Hello Polite Readers!
Well, when I decided to restart this blog I didn't think about the fact that my columns would fall on two holidays in a row. For today and New Years Day I'll have a couple of themed columns and then it's back to answering your letters!
Before we get started, a little note to my fellow non-Christmas-celebrating readers: Hello. I know, I know. Christmas. Ugh. What are you gonna do? I've been counting down the days until I wouldn't have to hear "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" or "Santa Baby" again, and here I am contributing to the problem. But I think we can all agree that the dreaded C-Day brings out some bad behavior in people, so let's politely help them behave.
Here's a few tips to stay cool and polite this Christmas, inspired by past columns and real-life experience.
1. Be thankful for any gifts you receive, no matter how tacky or otherwise inappropriate they might be. You can dispose of them later, but in front of the gift-giver, be the very image of gratitude.
2. Be prepared to dodge awkward conversations. If you know ahead of time that you're going to have to deal with people whose religious or political beliefs are opposite yours, or who think they have the right to comment negatively on your relationships, reproductive choices, or physical appearance, pre-plan some firm but polite responses, and good ways to change the subject to more neutral ground.
3. Be ready to compromise. We don't usually get to do exactly what we want for the holidays. You may need to be gracious about accommodating extra guests, eating less than fabulous food, or watching sports or schmaltzy Christmas movies that you don't particularly like.
4. Be firm but polite about your boundaries. You do not need to let your creepy uncle hug you, you do not have to eat the food you're allergic to, you do not have to get drawn into a conversation about how the guy you voted for in the last election is an idiot.
5. Be generous however you can. Give thoughtful gifts. Bring something delicious to the potluck. Bring a hostess gift. Donate to charity. Be free with the compliments. Help with clean-up.
6. And remember, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever you say, the thought behind it should be the same "I hope you have a good day whatever you celebrate."
See you in 2014! In the meantime, you can always drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com with your questions about civil discourse.
Showing posts with label gifts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gifts. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Consider the Source
Hello Polite Readers!
We're going to talk about gift-receiving etiquette again. This week's topic comes courtesy of my husband, who was curious about my opinion on this and thought it would be good blog fodder. Thanks love! So the question is: What do you do when someone gives you a gift that you know comes from a shop you don't like? There's no one blanket answer for this, so let me break it down into a few examples of possible situations.
1. The item is offered to you casually, rather than as a hand-picked gift for your birthday or a holiday, ie, "I got a great deal on these at the store, would you like one?" In this case, you can gracefully say "Oh, no thank you" without getting into why.
2. The item was chosen specifically for you and is given at a group gathering, but comes from a store you have a mild objection to. Say "Thank you" and try not to think about the source. Perhaps make some use of it in order to make the gift-giver happy, then quietly donate it to the thrift shop a few months down the road.
3. As above, but the gift comes from someplace you have a strong objection to, like the gift store that donates all proceeds to Puppy Kickers International. As above, say thank you, but at some later date take the gift-giver aside and say "I know you picked that scarf because it brings out the green in my eyes, but were you aware that Kicks Ahoy is associated with PKI? You know that as a dog lover I just can't stand those guys. I hope you don't shop there anymore!" Again, donate the offending object and if you're feeling really bad, donate some money to a group that fights puppy kicking.
Remember that no matter what, it's the thought that counts. So if the person KNOWS that you hate PKI and they bought an "I Kick Puppies" t-shirt for you anyway, you don't even have to pretend. Fall back on the "Oh, you shouldn't have" and then throw that thing away as soon as you get home. Just don't make a scene at the party, because that's awkward for everyone else around you.
I think the best way to avoid this sort of situation is to be pretty clear about your opinions. If, for instance, you feel strongly about supporting the local economy and you love to patronize small coffee shops instead of large national chains, make that obvious. Occasionally check-in at your favorite local businesses. Talk about the delicious meal you had at that new restaurant. When you get complimented on your dress, mention that you purchased it at that cute downtown boutique. Share your political convictions, the causes that you care about, and your religious affiliations or lack thereof (all of this at whatever level you're most comfortable with). Of course you'll avoid being annoying or self-righteous about any of this, because you're so polite!
Once people have a pretty good read on you, it will be less likely that they'll give you a gift that you find morally objectionable. As a non-moralistic example, I love the color green. I make it clear by wearing lots of green, having a Pinterest board dedicated to green, using a green color scheme on my blogs, etc etc etc. As such, whenever people want to buy me a gift, they tend to buy something that is green if possible. There are even people who have certain shades that they now associate as "AJ Green" which makes me ridiculously pleased.
Dear readers, have you navigated this problem before? If so, how have you handled it?
I am waiting for YOUR letters. Write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in my next column.
We're going to talk about gift-receiving etiquette again. This week's topic comes courtesy of my husband, who was curious about my opinion on this and thought it would be good blog fodder. Thanks love! So the question is: What do you do when someone gives you a gift that you know comes from a shop you don't like? There's no one blanket answer for this, so let me break it down into a few examples of possible situations.
1. The item is offered to you casually, rather than as a hand-picked gift for your birthday or a holiday, ie, "I got a great deal on these at the store, would you like one?" In this case, you can gracefully say "Oh, no thank you" without getting into why.
2. The item was chosen specifically for you and is given at a group gathering, but comes from a store you have a mild objection to. Say "Thank you" and try not to think about the source. Perhaps make some use of it in order to make the gift-giver happy, then quietly donate it to the thrift shop a few months down the road.
3. As above, but the gift comes from someplace you have a strong objection to, like the gift store that donates all proceeds to Puppy Kickers International. As above, say thank you, but at some later date take the gift-giver aside and say "I know you picked that scarf because it brings out the green in my eyes, but were you aware that Kicks Ahoy is associated with PKI? You know that as a dog lover I just can't stand those guys. I hope you don't shop there anymore!" Again, donate the offending object and if you're feeling really bad, donate some money to a group that fights puppy kicking.
Remember that no matter what, it's the thought that counts. So if the person KNOWS that you hate PKI and they bought an "I Kick Puppies" t-shirt for you anyway, you don't even have to pretend. Fall back on the "Oh, you shouldn't have" and then throw that thing away as soon as you get home. Just don't make a scene at the party, because that's awkward for everyone else around you.
I think the best way to avoid this sort of situation is to be pretty clear about your opinions. If, for instance, you feel strongly about supporting the local economy and you love to patronize small coffee shops instead of large national chains, make that obvious. Occasionally check-in at your favorite local businesses. Talk about the delicious meal you had at that new restaurant. When you get complimented on your dress, mention that you purchased it at that cute downtown boutique. Share your political convictions, the causes that you care about, and your religious affiliations or lack thereof (all of this at whatever level you're most comfortable with). Of course you'll avoid being annoying or self-righteous about any of this, because you're so polite!
Once people have a pretty good read on you, it will be less likely that they'll give you a gift that you find morally objectionable. As a non-moralistic example, I love the color green. I make it clear by wearing lots of green, having a Pinterest board dedicated to green, using a green color scheme on my blogs, etc etc etc. As such, whenever people want to buy me a gift, they tend to buy something that is green if possible. There are even people who have certain shades that they now associate as "AJ Green" which makes me ridiculously pleased.
Dear readers, have you navigated this problem before? If so, how have you handled it?
I am waiting for YOUR letters. Write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in my next column.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Gift Disappointment
Hello Polite Readers!
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve, so depending on which holiday you celebrate, you have either already exchanged gifts, will soon, or are so sick about hearing about other peoples' gift exchanging holidays that you will skip this entire post and hope that I write about something non-holiday-related on Wednesday. Today's post is about dealing with gift disappointment, from both the giver and receiver's part, which of course can also apply to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and all those other occasions where etiquette says gifts should be given.
Most of us have dealt with gift failure before, probably from both ends. Let's talk about when you give a dud gift first.
Oftentimes, it's not your fault when a gift that you give goes over poorly. You may have misjudged the recipient's taste, you might have accidentally bought them something they already have, or they might just be impossible to please (at least on your budget). We'll discuss later how they should best express their disappointment (or not), but for now let's assume that they don't have the good taste to read my blog and they respond rudely. How do you deal with that?
Resist the urge to snark at them, even though they probably deserve it for being rude. Especially if you're at some sort of group holiday gathering or birthday party, you want them to be the one who looks bad whereas you look cool, albeit possibly a bit embarrassed. Smile awkwardly and say "I'm sorry, I thought you would love it." If you have a gift receipt, offer it to them, but otherwise, don't fall over yourself trying to offer to make it right if the gift can't be exchanged or returned.
If you have a person in your life who is always difficult about gifts, my honest recommendation is not to make the effort anymore. If they're going to snark no matter what you give them, just give them a gift card to some store that they can probably find something they like at. Stop stressing about picking or making the perfect gift for that curmudgeon and focus your attention on the people who actually appreciate the thought and effort that you put into them.
So what do you do if you get a gift that you don't like? Simple. You say "Thank you!" If you're feeling really generous and you know that the person actually thought that they picked out something good, you should maybe try to find something to praise about the item (although the problem with this is that they may then take that as encouragement to buy similarly bad gifts in the future).
I know that it's hard to deal with getting a spectacularly bad gift, especially when you've put a lot of thought into what you gave them in return, but it's wrong to treat gifts like a tit-for-tat exchange and unfortunately part of being an adult is having to put up with disappointment, instead of throwing a tantrum (although even as a kid, I didn't throw a tantrum on the year that my cousins all got awesome Legos and my brother and I got CLOTHES. Clothes! How were we supposed to play with those?). Here are some other tips for dealing with gift disappointment.
-If possible, try to find a way to actually make the gift likeable. Can it be modified somehow to be more attractive or useful?
-If it's nice but just not your style, can you regift it in such a way that the original giver will never find out? I'm not a huge fan of regifting, but sometimes it's appropriate, if you know the new receiver will actually like it.
-If it's unbelievably horrible, well, congratulations! You've got something for the next White Elephant exchange you participate in.
-Can you possibly sell it on eBay or Craig's List or through some other venue, without the giver catching on?
-Is it small enough that you can keep it around and then bring it out whenever they come over? I only recommend this tactic for gifts from grandparents who would be crushed if you didn't display the precious knick-knack that they picked out based on the idea that you are still into the same things you liked at eight years old.
-Can you trade it for something else? When I was a teenager, someone gave me a Wal-Mart gift card. There was nothing I wanted at Wal-Mart, but my parents always shopped there so they bought it off of me for cash value, allowing me to spend the money wherever I wanted on whatever I wanted (probably comic books).
-Another pro-tip for gift cards. Use them for stuff you NEED and suddenly the money that you would have spent on that is available for fun! I love getting Trader Joe's gift cards because I can buy my usual groceries (maybe with a couple extra treats) and then suddenly my weekly grocery money is available to spend on a nice dinner out instead.
-In all of these cases, remember that a gift is yours to do whatever you want with after you receive it. While you certainly shouldn't use a handmade quilt as a drop cloth when you paint your house, you also shouldn't feel guilty if you take that tacky snow globe to Goodwill.
Tired of all these holiday-themed posts? Then send me a letter about a different topic! Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve, so depending on which holiday you celebrate, you have either already exchanged gifts, will soon, or are so sick about hearing about other peoples' gift exchanging holidays that you will skip this entire post and hope that I write about something non-holiday-related on Wednesday. Today's post is about dealing with gift disappointment, from both the giver and receiver's part, which of course can also apply to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and all those other occasions where etiquette says gifts should be given.
Most of us have dealt with gift failure before, probably from both ends. Let's talk about when you give a dud gift first.
Oftentimes, it's not your fault when a gift that you give goes over poorly. You may have misjudged the recipient's taste, you might have accidentally bought them something they already have, or they might just be impossible to please (at least on your budget). We'll discuss later how they should best express their disappointment (or not), but for now let's assume that they don't have the good taste to read my blog and they respond rudely. How do you deal with that?
Resist the urge to snark at them, even though they probably deserve it for being rude. Especially if you're at some sort of group holiday gathering or birthday party, you want them to be the one who looks bad whereas you look cool, albeit possibly a bit embarrassed. Smile awkwardly and say "I'm sorry, I thought you would love it." If you have a gift receipt, offer it to them, but otherwise, don't fall over yourself trying to offer to make it right if the gift can't be exchanged or returned.
If you have a person in your life who is always difficult about gifts, my honest recommendation is not to make the effort anymore. If they're going to snark no matter what you give them, just give them a gift card to some store that they can probably find something they like at. Stop stressing about picking or making the perfect gift for that curmudgeon and focus your attention on the people who actually appreciate the thought and effort that you put into them.
So what do you do if you get a gift that you don't like? Simple. You say "Thank you!" If you're feeling really generous and you know that the person actually thought that they picked out something good, you should maybe try to find something to praise about the item (although the problem with this is that they may then take that as encouragement to buy similarly bad gifts in the future).
I know that it's hard to deal with getting a spectacularly bad gift, especially when you've put a lot of thought into what you gave them in return, but it's wrong to treat gifts like a tit-for-tat exchange and unfortunately part of being an adult is having to put up with disappointment, instead of throwing a tantrum (although even as a kid, I didn't throw a tantrum on the year that my cousins all got awesome Legos and my brother and I got CLOTHES. Clothes! How were we supposed to play with those?). Here are some other tips for dealing with gift disappointment.
-If possible, try to find a way to actually make the gift likeable. Can it be modified somehow to be more attractive or useful?
-If it's nice but just not your style, can you regift it in such a way that the original giver will never find out? I'm not a huge fan of regifting, but sometimes it's appropriate, if you know the new receiver will actually like it.
-If it's unbelievably horrible, well, congratulations! You've got something for the next White Elephant exchange you participate in.
-Can you possibly sell it on eBay or Craig's List or through some other venue, without the giver catching on?
-Is it small enough that you can keep it around and then bring it out whenever they come over? I only recommend this tactic for gifts from grandparents who would be crushed if you didn't display the precious knick-knack that they picked out based on the idea that you are still into the same things you liked at eight years old.
-Can you trade it for something else? When I was a teenager, someone gave me a Wal-Mart gift card. There was nothing I wanted at Wal-Mart, but my parents always shopped there so they bought it off of me for cash value, allowing me to spend the money wherever I wanted on whatever I wanted (probably comic books).
-Another pro-tip for gift cards. Use them for stuff you NEED and suddenly the money that you would have spent on that is available for fun! I love getting Trader Joe's gift cards because I can buy my usual groceries (maybe with a couple extra treats) and then suddenly my weekly grocery money is available to spend on a nice dinner out instead.
-In all of these cases, remember that a gift is yours to do whatever you want with after you receive it. While you certainly shouldn't use a handmade quilt as a drop cloth when you paint your house, you also shouldn't feel guilty if you take that tacky snow globe to Goodwill.
Tired of all these holiday-themed posts? Then send me a letter about a different topic! Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Gift Giving Obligations
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's column comes from Alisa, who wrote in with a very timely question about holiday gifts:
I think this is a problem that far too many of us have, especially as the bad economy just drags on forever. In a perfect world we wouldn't mind buying nice gifts for everyone we know, but in the real world, every gift that we feel obligated to buy for a not-so-close friend or distant relative is less money that we can spend on our nearest and dearest, or more debt that we go into so we can keep everyone happy and still pay the bills.
The first question I want you to ask yourself, Alisa, is have you and your former co-worker actually kept in touch via FB and email? Are you having meaningful conversations, or just "Liking" each other's vacation pics? Because if it's the latter, than the friendship is dying a slow, natural death and you don't have to worry about doing more than writing "Merry Christmas" on her wall in December.
If you're still close, though, then she probably does plan to send you something for the holidays, especially if she hasn't found a new work buddy. You should go ahead and break the news to her soon so that she hopefully hasn't already purchased your gift yet. Say something like this:
Of course, the problem with this is that it might be revealing more of your financial situation than you're comfortable with. You can change the wording a bit to be more relevant to your situation and less about finances. Do you have kids, or is there a new niece or nephew or baby cousin in the family? You can say that you're focusing on the younger generation this year. Or go the tried-and-true "real spirit of Christmas" method and focus more of your giving on charity this year, saying something like:
Whatever method you go for, be sure to still acknowledge your friend at the holidays. I would send her a nice card with a heartfelt note, wishing her well, sharing a funny tidbit about a co-worker you both know, something that will make her feel remembered and help tide her over while she builds a social circle in her new home.
Also, keep in mind that whatever you say, she may still send you a nice present. Some people just really love shopping for the perfect gift, wrapping it up nicely, and seeing you enjoy it. It's not about give-and-take for them, because they get rewarded by the act of gifting to you. Did your friend ever seem resentful when you were giving her $15 gifts and she was giving you $50 gifts? If not, she is probably just the sort of person who sees the perfect thing for their friend and buys it, without any concern about the price or what you'll give them in return. In that case, you just have to learn to let it go, and not feel bad when you can't reciprocate.
On the other hand, if she does act resentful and starts making passive-aggressive comments, you have my permission to hasten along the natural death of the friendship by hiding her on Facebook!
Do you have your own holiday-related problems that are already stressing you out? Need to have the perfect response memorized when dealing with your creepy uncle at Thanksgiving? Just drop me an email at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll see if I can help!
Today's column comes from Alisa, who wrote in with a very timely question about holiday gifts:
I have a bit of a sticky situation. I worked with a woman for several years, and during that time, we became social outside of work. We also began to make Christmas/birthdays at work more fun by exchanging gifts. I kept my gifts around $15 in value, but she began to up the value of what she gave to me. For my last birthday (in January) she gave me around $50 in gifts. Shortly after, she left her job for another in a different city. We still plan to keep in touch via email and facebook, but we probably will not be getting together much in person, if at all. Her own birthday came up after she left, and since she'd spent so much on my last gift, I felt obligated to get her something, so I boxed up a gift and mailed it to her. But now Christmas is coming, and I would really prefer not to continue exchanging gifts, since it was mainly a 'work thing', and honestly, I do not have the funds right now. My question is, how do I let her know? I'm afraid she is going to spend a bunch of money on me again, and I really do not want that. But she's very sensitive emotionally, and, I think, lonely right now in her new city and job. I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I handle this?
I think this is a problem that far too many of us have, especially as the bad economy just drags on forever. In a perfect world we wouldn't mind buying nice gifts for everyone we know, but in the real world, every gift that we feel obligated to buy for a not-so-close friend or distant relative is less money that we can spend on our nearest and dearest, or more debt that we go into so we can keep everyone happy and still pay the bills.
The first question I want you to ask yourself, Alisa, is have you and your former co-worker actually kept in touch via FB and email? Are you having meaningful conversations, or just "Liking" each other's vacation pics? Because if it's the latter, than the friendship is dying a slow, natural death and you don't have to worry about doing more than writing "Merry Christmas" on her wall in December.
If you're still close, though, then she probably does plan to send you something for the holidays, especially if she hasn't found a new work buddy. You should go ahead and break the news to her soon so that she hopefully hasn't already purchased your gift yet. Say something like this:
Hi! Can you believe it's only a couple of months until Christmas? I was just starting my shopping and I'm pretty depressed about how low the budget is this year. I'm not really going to be able to buy gifts for most of my friends. I wanted to let you know because you've always been so thoughtful with gift-giving and I would feel horrible if you sent me something when I can't afford to return the favor!
Of course, the problem with this is that it might be revealing more of your financial situation than you're comfortable with. You can change the wording a bit to be more relevant to your situation and less about finances. Do you have kids, or is there a new niece or nephew or baby cousin in the family? You can say that you're focusing on the younger generation this year. Or go the tried-and-true "real spirit of Christmas" method and focus more of your giving on charity this year, saying something like:
Hey friend! How are things going? How's the new job? I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about the holidays (hard not to when Wal-Mart already has Christmas trees up!) and feeling bad about how many people are out of work and homeless this year. As such I'm going to be spending a lot of my usual gift budget on canned goods for the food bank and I was thinking you might do the same! Wish you were still local, we could hit Costco together!
Whatever method you go for, be sure to still acknowledge your friend at the holidays. I would send her a nice card with a heartfelt note, wishing her well, sharing a funny tidbit about a co-worker you both know, something that will make her feel remembered and help tide her over while she builds a social circle in her new home.
Also, keep in mind that whatever you say, she may still send you a nice present. Some people just really love shopping for the perfect gift, wrapping it up nicely, and seeing you enjoy it. It's not about give-and-take for them, because they get rewarded by the act of gifting to you. Did your friend ever seem resentful when you were giving her $15 gifts and she was giving you $50 gifts? If not, she is probably just the sort of person who sees the perfect thing for their friend and buys it, without any concern about the price or what you'll give them in return. In that case, you just have to learn to let it go, and not feel bad when you can't reciprocate.
On the other hand, if she does act resentful and starts making passive-aggressive comments, you have my permission to hasten along the natural death of the friendship by hiding her on Facebook!
Do you have your own holiday-related problems that are already stressing you out? Need to have the perfect response memorized when dealing with your creepy uncle at Thanksgiving? Just drop me an email at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll see if I can help!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Announcing, not begging
Hello Polite Readers!
I have another actual letter to answer this week, but my friend has asked to remain anonymous so I get to change her name, and her fiance's name as well. Allow me to introduce you to my friends Vivian and Giles. They recently got engaged. I don't have to worry too much about you guessing who they really are, because it seems like everyone I know who isn't already married has become engaged this year! How wonderful! Here's Vivian's note:
Is this something I can handle? Well, normally I would have referred Vivian to a wedding site, but she said that she and Giles already looked at some and everything they found sounded horrible and like it was begging for gifts. They genuinely do not want that.
So. Weddings are tricky. You, as the soon-to-be-newlyweds, just want to have a beautiful, fun day with your nearest and dearest. Parents, siblings, grandparents, maybe a few favorite aunts, uncles, and cousins, maybe your adorable baby niece, and of course your best friends! But some of your relatives always feel like every. single. family wedding must also double as a family reunion!
Well Vivian and Giles, it your wedding, and you can invite who you like. It appears that you've already come to that conclusion and made your guest list accordingly, but what to do about those 20-50 great-aunts and third cousins that you had to leave out in order to make room for your high school best friend?
I recommend thinking of your wedding as kind of like having a baby. You want everyone to know that you had a baby, but you don't want everyone at the shower! So your nearest and dearest get invites, whereas your more far-flung acquaintances get an announcement afterwards, with the baby's name, birthdate, and maybe a photo. You can use this same approach for your wedding. Try some wording kind of like this:
Keep it short and sweet! If applicable, you can also add if you're changing your name to Vivian Penderghast, or hyphenating your name. This is also a good time to make sure they have your address. Even if you and Giles have been living together, if your family is anything like mine, some of them may have still been sending Christmas cards and such to you via your parents. This is the way to announce your entrance into Real Adult Life. You are a married woman with a home and a career, you have your own address.
If you keep the focus less on "Hey! We got married!" and more on "Here is an update on my changed status and also a recent photo in case you keep a family photo album", it will not look like a gift-grab. Some people will of course feel hurt that they didn't get invited, but there's nothing you can really do about that. The hurt feelings should fade as soon as they get distracted by another wedding/christening/Thanksgiving dinner.
Some people will still feel obligated to send gifts. I kid you not, when we got married we got a set of dessert plates from a resident at the retirement home my grandparents worked at, and a lovely wedding album that my mother-in-laws co-workers chipped in for. People hear wedding and they think gift! Accept that some people will send you unsolicited gifts, and be prepared to write a sweet thank-you note. Others will contact you asking what they can send, to which you can say "Oh, we already have everything we need, but it's so nice of you to think of us!" Make sure to tell your parents to say the same thing to the relatives who call them asking for registry info or what you still need.
I hope this helps, and that you and Giles have a fabulous wedding!
I have another actual letter to answer this week, but my friend has asked to remain anonymous so I get to change her name, and her fiance's name as well. Allow me to introduce you to my friends Vivian and Giles. They recently got engaged. I don't have to worry too much about you guessing who they really are, because it seems like everyone I know who isn't already married has become engaged this year! How wonderful! Here's Vivian's note:
I have a politely worded question! Giles and I are not inviting all of my extended family to our wedding, opting instead to send a select few (who I haven't seen in forever, don't remember what they look like, etc) announcements instead. However we don't want these announcements to look like we're begging for cash or presents...we're not! We want to include them, but don't want to potentially shell out $125 plus for them to come/don't think they would come anyway. Basically, we want to it say: We got married! It's exciting! Don't feel obligated to send presents! We love you! Do you think this is something that Politely Worded would handle?
Is this something I can handle? Well, normally I would have referred Vivian to a wedding site, but she said that she and Giles already looked at some and everything they found sounded horrible and like it was begging for gifts. They genuinely do not want that.
So. Weddings are tricky. You, as the soon-to-be-newlyweds, just want to have a beautiful, fun day with your nearest and dearest. Parents, siblings, grandparents, maybe a few favorite aunts, uncles, and cousins, maybe your adorable baby niece, and of course your best friends! But some of your relatives always feel like every. single. family wedding must also double as a family reunion!
Well Vivian and Giles, it your wedding, and you can invite who you like. It appears that you've already come to that conclusion and made your guest list accordingly, but what to do about those 20-50 great-aunts and third cousins that you had to leave out in order to make room for your high school best friend?
I recommend thinking of your wedding as kind of like having a baby. You want everyone to know that you had a baby, but you don't want everyone at the shower! So your nearest and dearest get invites, whereas your more far-flung acquaintances get an announcement afterwards, with the baby's name, birthdate, and maybe a photo. You can use this same approach for your wedding. Try some wording kind of like this:
Dear Aunt Mildred,
I'm happy to tell you that Giles Penderghast and I were married on December 17th. I've included one of our favorite photos from the ceremony. Give our love to Cousin Isabel!
Keep it short and sweet! If applicable, you can also add if you're changing your name to Vivian Penderghast, or hyphenating your name. This is also a good time to make sure they have your address. Even if you and Giles have been living together, if your family is anything like mine, some of them may have still been sending Christmas cards and such to you via your parents. This is the way to announce your entrance into Real Adult Life. You are a married woman with a home and a career, you have your own address.
If you keep the focus less on "Hey! We got married!" and more on "Here is an update on my changed status and also a recent photo in case you keep a family photo album", it will not look like a gift-grab. Some people will of course feel hurt that they didn't get invited, but there's nothing you can really do about that. The hurt feelings should fade as soon as they get distracted by another wedding/christening/Thanksgiving dinner.
Some people will still feel obligated to send gifts. I kid you not, when we got married we got a set of dessert plates from a resident at the retirement home my grandparents worked at, and a lovely wedding album that my mother-in-laws co-workers chipped in for. People hear wedding and they think gift! Accept that some people will send you unsolicited gifts, and be prepared to write a sweet thank-you note. Others will contact you asking what they can send, to which you can say "Oh, we already have everything we need, but it's so nice of you to think of us!" Make sure to tell your parents to say the same thing to the relatives who call them asking for registry info or what you still need.
I hope this helps, and that you and Giles have a fabulous wedding!
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