Hello Polite Readers!
Politely Worded is back! I had a very busy Autumn and sort of let it fall by the wayside, but I've really missed this blog so I hope you'll help me revive it by sending your letters to Politelyworded@gmail.com. I'll be resuming my regular every-Wednesday update schedule.
I'd like to kick things off by discussing a problem that I've been witnessing on Facebook and other social media a lot lately, which is "topper" behavior. You know the sort, whatever happens to you, they have a story of something better, worse or more crazy that happened to them. I'm not referring to sharing similar stories in a spirit of camaraderie, but of saying "Oh, that's nothing, the other day I..."
You'll see it a lot this time of year in regards to weather. Large chunks of the US just got hit with a nasty cold storm, which means that quite a few of us were colder than we expected to be before the Solstice hit. This means that quite a few of us in traditionally warm areas were complaining about the sudden cold, having to cover our plants, trying to find a good coat, and getting the furnace or fireplace up and running. Almost every single AZ person ended up with a response from someone farther north or east telling us to suck it up, because it was 18F or whatever where they were.
You'll also see it with health issues. If you have a cold or sprained your wrist, you get told not to complain, because someone else has a chronic illness.
But here's the thing: knowing someone else has it worse than you doesn't automatically make your own discomfort going away. Objectively, I know 18F is much colder than 50F, but that does nothing to stop me from being chilled because I'm adapted to a warm climate. Objectively, a cold isn't that big of a deal but it is annoying when you get one two days before a major dance performance when you should be practicing. Unhappiness is not a contest where only the winners (losers?) get sympathy.
Similarly, you may see this attitude in regards to causes. If you're involved in the "body love" movement, you'll see people saying that because people who are overweight face more stigma than people who are thin, we should ignore the problem of skinny shaming. But knowing that some other group gets bullied more than you do doesn't make it hurt less when someone says something mean. Likewise, if we all gave all of our money to curing cancer, for instance, it wouldn't do anything to help people living in poverty, or rescue abused pets or preserve a local historic building.
So what do you do when faced with this sort of attitude? It depends on the situation. If someone is just spouting off a stupid opinion in their own status update, you should probably not engage. If they respond to your own update with a "suck it up" sort of attitude, I recommend killing them with kindness. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that it's so cold where you are. I could never live there, I like my warm winters too much." Or pointedly ignore them. Respond to the people who add to the conversation and ignore the people who just want to draw attention to themselves or be negative.
Sometimes, you can use it as a teaching moment. When dealing with social issues and "X is worse than Y" opinions, engage them in a thoughtful conversation. Ask them why they feel that way, explain why you disagree (or why you agree, but you find that you're able to combat both X and Y). With luck you'll be able to have an intelligent conversation and you'll both come out of it feeling better-educated and more empathic to those who feel differently.
If you find that someone is a constant negative influence in your on-line life and you don't need to communicate with them, you should really just unfriend them or otherwise remove them from your network. If they do need to be a part of your life, it may be time to send them a private message and ask why they have been making such pointed comments on your posts, and is something bothering them?
Next week we'll have a question of dance etiquette, my favorite!
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Don't Interrupt Me!
Hello Polite Readers!
Before I discuss today's topic, I'd just like to mention that it is my birthday! Hooray! If you're in a generous mood and want to give me a present, I'd love it if you'd share this blog on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mail it to a friend. Help me get the word out!
Now, on with the column! One of my loyal readers asked me for advice on a topic that she and a friend were griping about, and that is people interrupting you when you're in the middle of something important. Of course, important can range from working at your home office, or reading the crucial last few pages of a really good book, or putting the finishing touches on a really intricate art project. Anything where you are really in the zone and that interruption just pulls you right out and you want to just PUNCH the person who did it.
Sometimes I have to do a little mental roleplay to put myself in the shoes of my writer when dealing with a subject I have little experience with, but not this time. You see, my husband and I both work from home and we share an office. We have pretty different ways of doing things. He is a master multitasker and has no trouble working, carrying on conversations in several different IM programs, looking something up on Wikipedia, listening to music and eating lunch all at once. I, on the other hand, need to be really focused if I'm doing anything like reading or writing (although when I say "really focused" I usually mean that I read or write a paragraph and then switch over to see what is going on in my Facebook tab, but I'm really focused, honestly). I cannot stand to be interrupted to look at the pretty beetle he just found a picture of on a blog, even though I love beetles. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried "Leave me alone I'm trying to write a blog!!!" Likewise, forget going to a cafe to read a book... as soon as someone sits down next to me and starts talking, my focus is shot.
So, the most important thing to do is set boundaries.When it comes to your co-workers, spouse, housemates or kids, let them know what the rules are. For instance, when you work from home, make sure everyone knows what your hours are when you have to be on the clock and they can't just call to chat. If you share an office, perhaps having your headphones on can serve as a sign that you're doing something really important or involved. And for the avid reader, just tell everyone that as long as your nose is in a book, you are not to be spoken to. Obviously emergencies arise and can serve as exceptions, and you may have to train those around you as what counts as a real emergency, but this should help a lot. My husband now knows that if I am writing or reading something, he has to wait to ask me questions or show me things on his computer.
For spouses, kids, and housemates, you might also have an open/closed door policy. Growing up, I knew if my parents' bedroom door was closed, I wasn't supposed to bother them unless it was an emergency. For shared rooms, you could have some sort of other visible cue, like "If this teddy bear is sitting on my desk, I'm working. If he's sitting on the couch, we can chat."
When approached and interrupted by people who don't know the rules, or by those who should know better but are misbehaving, you can fall back on some simple stock phrases.
"Sorry, I'm on the clock. I have a break coming up in an hour, we can talk then."
"I'm almost done! Let me finish this chapter first."
"Hey, can you wait a minute? I'm really involved in this."
"I really need to focus. Let me get back to you when I'm done with this."
And above all, stand firm! Don't be afraid to say "I can't talk right now." You do not always have to be at everyone's disposal, you do not have to drop everything because your roommate wants to tell you about the funny thing that happened while she was at the store (it always turns out to not be that funny anyway). And remember that unless you politely spell out when you need to be left alone, the people who are interrupting you are not going to know they're doing anything wrong, and they'll think you're getting annoyed for no reason. Just spell out when you need to be allowed to concentrate, and they should understand.
Got a tricky situation of your own to deal with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column!
Before I discuss today's topic, I'd just like to mention that it is my birthday! Hooray! If you're in a generous mood and want to give me a present, I'd love it if you'd share this blog on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mail it to a friend. Help me get the word out!
Now, on with the column! One of my loyal readers asked me for advice on a topic that she and a friend were griping about, and that is people interrupting you when you're in the middle of something important. Of course, important can range from working at your home office, or reading the crucial last few pages of a really good book, or putting the finishing touches on a really intricate art project. Anything where you are really in the zone and that interruption just pulls you right out and you want to just PUNCH the person who did it.
Sometimes I have to do a little mental roleplay to put myself in the shoes of my writer when dealing with a subject I have little experience with, but not this time. You see, my husband and I both work from home and we share an office. We have pretty different ways of doing things. He is a master multitasker and has no trouble working, carrying on conversations in several different IM programs, looking something up on Wikipedia, listening to music and eating lunch all at once. I, on the other hand, need to be really focused if I'm doing anything like reading or writing (although when I say "really focused" I usually mean that I read or write a paragraph and then switch over to see what is going on in my Facebook tab, but I'm really focused, honestly). I cannot stand to be interrupted to look at the pretty beetle he just found a picture of on a blog, even though I love beetles. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried "Leave me alone I'm trying to write a blog!!!" Likewise, forget going to a cafe to read a book... as soon as someone sits down next to me and starts talking, my focus is shot.
So, the most important thing to do is set boundaries.When it comes to your co-workers, spouse, housemates or kids, let them know what the rules are. For instance, when you work from home, make sure everyone knows what your hours are when you have to be on the clock and they can't just call to chat. If you share an office, perhaps having your headphones on can serve as a sign that you're doing something really important or involved. And for the avid reader, just tell everyone that as long as your nose is in a book, you are not to be spoken to. Obviously emergencies arise and can serve as exceptions, and you may have to train those around you as what counts as a real emergency, but this should help a lot. My husband now knows that if I am writing or reading something, he has to wait to ask me questions or show me things on his computer.
For spouses, kids, and housemates, you might also have an open/closed door policy. Growing up, I knew if my parents' bedroom door was closed, I wasn't supposed to bother them unless it was an emergency. For shared rooms, you could have some sort of other visible cue, like "If this teddy bear is sitting on my desk, I'm working. If he's sitting on the couch, we can chat."
When approached and interrupted by people who don't know the rules, or by those who should know better but are misbehaving, you can fall back on some simple stock phrases.
"Sorry, I'm on the clock. I have a break coming up in an hour, we can talk then."
"I'm almost done! Let me finish this chapter first."
"Hey, can you wait a minute? I'm really involved in this."
"I really need to focus. Let me get back to you when I'm done with this."
And above all, stand firm! Don't be afraid to say "I can't talk right now." You do not always have to be at everyone's disposal, you do not have to drop everything because your roommate wants to tell you about the funny thing that happened while she was at the store (it always turns out to not be that funny anyway). And remember that unless you politely spell out when you need to be left alone, the people who are interrupting you are not going to know they're doing anything wrong, and they'll think you're getting annoyed for no reason. Just spell out when you need to be allowed to concentrate, and they should understand.
Got a tricky situation of your own to deal with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
New home, new friends
Hello Polite Readers!
One of the perils of living in a state with good schools but a horrible job market is that I make awesome new friends, only to have them move away in search of greener pastures. Today's questions come from one such friend who has asked to remain anonymous.
For me I've found that it works best to not be too worried about making close friends, but to just get out and meet people and be friendly towards them (which is admittedly a bit of a problem, I'm quiet and introverted so it's hard to start conversations sometimes!). When you're in a group setting like a bellydance class or a club meeting, look for chances to get to know people better. Is the dance class hosting a stitch-and-bitch to work on costumes? Come along and bring a tasty snack! Are a few members of the club going to an interesting event? See if you can carpool.
Social media also makes it a little easier to get to know people. If you add friends from the groups you're involved in, you can see what their interests are and discover things that you have in common that might never have come up in the course of your regular activities. If you see that someone likes the same band as you, or the same guilty-pleasure TV show or has the same obscure hobby, send them a private message or mention it the next time you see them in person. They might not become your new BFF, you might even find that you have nothing else in common, but it's good practice!
Try to attend as many parties and other group gatherings as you can, especially if they involve people from outside your usual group. You may find that your co-worker's wife or classmate's sister is a really fun person to hang out with.
Above all, I think it's important to develop as many casual acquaintances as you can and wait for them to blossom naturally into friendships. It's hard to be patient, I know, especially when you're in a new place and homesick for your friends in your previous city.
There's a few things to do. If there are any other newbies, make friends with them. Pay attention to the more experienced dancers and see which ones seem like they're actually pretty friendly, and seek them out. Try to break the ice with the snobbier ones with a compliment here or there... Although if they have that really mean Queen Bee personality type, they might just think you're being a suck-up.
Which brings me to my next point... you have to decide if it's worth it. How much effort do you want to put into winning over these people? Dance class should be a warm and welcoming experience, and instead you're getting the cold shoulder. It's hard to enjoy bellydance when you're not getting the expected sense of community. If they're warm and loving with each other, maybe it's worth trying to break into the clique and then to be the one who welcomes new people in the future. But on the other hand, do you want to be part of a group that has been so unwelcoming to you in the past?
It's something I've struggled with in the past, to the point that I actually gave up on the idea of dance troupes as a great sisterhood, as each one seemed to be a clique that was more interested in hanging out with their old friends than making new ones (amusingly, the next troupe I joined after that ended up being welcoming and wonderful).
If you decide that you really want to stick it out, you may need to talk to one of them about it. Maybe the teacher, or leader of the student troupe, or the one person who has been friendly to you (if there is such a person). Take them aside before or after class and say something like:
Are you struggling to find the right words for a difficult situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in my next column!
One of the perils of living in a state with good schools but a horrible job market is that I make awesome new friends, only to have them move away in search of greener pastures. Today's questions come from one such friend who has asked to remain anonymous.
Question 1: I've just moved and am having a terrible time making friends! What do I do? I don't want to seem like I'm imposing on people but at the same time I want to make friends. It's hard because I can't seem to find anyone who is my age.Well, first don't worry so much about finding friends who are your age. It is nice to have someone who has similar life experiences and grew up with the same pop culture, but you can also make amazing friends outside your age group. I have a great friend who is 6 years younger than me but at a very similar place in her life, and some awesome friends in their 50s who are endless sources of good advice and fun stories of their many adventures. Place your focus more on people who have similar interests or a personality that meshes well with yours.
For me I've found that it works best to not be too worried about making close friends, but to just get out and meet people and be friendly towards them (which is admittedly a bit of a problem, I'm quiet and introverted so it's hard to start conversations sometimes!). When you're in a group setting like a bellydance class or a club meeting, look for chances to get to know people better. Is the dance class hosting a stitch-and-bitch to work on costumes? Come along and bring a tasty snack! Are a few members of the club going to an interesting event? See if you can carpool.
Social media also makes it a little easier to get to know people. If you add friends from the groups you're involved in, you can see what their interests are and discover things that you have in common that might never have come up in the course of your regular activities. If you see that someone likes the same band as you, or the same guilty-pleasure TV show or has the same obscure hobby, send them a private message or mention it the next time you see them in person. They might not become your new BFF, you might even find that you have nothing else in common, but it's good practice!
Try to attend as many parties and other group gatherings as you can, especially if they involve people from outside your usual group. You may find that your co-worker's wife or classmate's sister is a really fun person to hang out with.
Above all, I think it's important to develop as many casual acquaintances as you can and wait for them to blossom naturally into friendships. It's hard to be patient, I know, especially when you're in a new place and homesick for your friends in your previous city.
Question 2: How do I handle joining a new dance class? I've started taking classes with a certain group and I'm finding them to be very elite-ist. It's hard for me to try and fit in but at this point they seem to be the only group teaching this particular style.Dealing with elitists is really hard, because the problem isn't with you, it's with them. You're probably doing everything right -- you show up to class on time, you pay attention when the teacher is talking, you don't get bored with the assigned exercise and start doing your own thing because the music moved you. But because you're the new person and you're upsetting the status quo, they snub you.
There's a few things to do. If there are any other newbies, make friends with them. Pay attention to the more experienced dancers and see which ones seem like they're actually pretty friendly, and seek them out. Try to break the ice with the snobbier ones with a compliment here or there... Although if they have that really mean Queen Bee personality type, they might just think you're being a suck-up.
Which brings me to my next point... you have to decide if it's worth it. How much effort do you want to put into winning over these people? Dance class should be a warm and welcoming experience, and instead you're getting the cold shoulder. It's hard to enjoy bellydance when you're not getting the expected sense of community. If they're warm and loving with each other, maybe it's worth trying to break into the clique and then to be the one who welcomes new people in the future. But on the other hand, do you want to be part of a group that has been so unwelcoming to you in the past?
It's something I've struggled with in the past, to the point that I actually gave up on the idea of dance troupes as a great sisterhood, as each one seemed to be a clique that was more interested in hanging out with their old friends than making new ones (amusingly, the next troupe I joined after that ended up being welcoming and wonderful).
If you decide that you really want to stick it out, you may need to talk to one of them about it. Maybe the teacher, or leader of the student troupe, or the one person who has been friendly to you (if there is such a person). Take them aside before or after class and say something like:
I'm really happy and excited to be dancing with you, but I feel like I haven't really been accepted yet. Do you have any advice on how I can fit in? Is there anything I can do to help the studio and the troupe? Are there any upcoming events that I can lend a hand with?If you focus more on wanting to fit in, instead of feeling excluded, it sounds more positive. You're just a new girl trying to learn the dynamics. Being willing to do something like sweep the studio after class or help fold the chairs after a student recital can go a long way to earning you brownie points and helping the more established students warm up to you. If they see that you want to be part of the community, and you're not just there for classes and nothing else, they may finally be ready to welcome you in.
Are you struggling to find the right words for a difficult situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in my next column!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Fragile Friends
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's letter comes from a dance friend and has some dance-related issues in it, but at its heart it's about how to deal with a very specific type of person that we've almost all encountered before. Read on:
Oh my oh my. Well, I have to admit that I identify with your student in one specific area. I, too, have a certain amount of insecurity about being excluded in my dance community. I once found myself crying in my car because I couldn't find the house we were supposed to have a troupe party at due to a problem with Bing maps, and no one was answering my text messages asking for directions. I convinced myself that they were ignoring me on purpose and didn't want me at the party after all. Of course, when I finally managed to pull the address up on a different map program and made my way there, everyone was happy to see me and they just hadn't heard their phones over the chatter.
When you're socially awkward, it's really easy to work yourself into a tizzy over stupid little things like that. What I've done, and what your student needs to do, is to be aware of the tendency to do that and to catch myself before I go into a death spiral. When I get stood up for a lunch date, instead of immediately thinking "Everyone hates me! Waaaa!" I think about all the more likely reasons. Maybe their car broke down, they wrote the date wrong on their calendar, there was a sudden family emergency. Because you know what? If someone really hated me, they wouldn't invite me out to lunch, so clearly there's some other more logical reason keeping them from meeting me.
You bring up three problems with your student, and each of them could be a PW column on their own, but I'll try to address each of them here.
1. Your student wants to make friends but is really bad at it, because she thinks over-sharing builds closeness when really it scares people off.
Can you meet her for coffee? If not, a nice e-mail or phone call may be necessary for talking about this and also the next issue. Be very careful and positive with your wording -- I say this not just because she's on the autism spectrum, I'd say it about someone who was just a drama queen, too. Start out focusing on her good qualities so she doesn't immediately get defensive and interrupt you. Say something like:
2. Your student immediately assumes she was purposefully excluded when she has the wrong date for an event.
One way to prevent this without having to talk to her about it is to try to avoid date confusion in the future. If you don't already, make sure to provide upcoming event dates on a Google calender or in e-mail or as Facebook events. It's easier to remember a date and put it correctly in your personal calendar when you see it written down rather than hearing it. Provide several reminders as an event draws closer... Mention it in class, send out an extra e-mail, send a group text message. Maybe use different media so whatever people check most often, they see it.
Then when you do talk to her, say something like this:
3. Your student has unrealistic expectations about her progress in dance class.
Well, it's not unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate class after a year of studying, if you've been practicing hard. It is unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate when you don't even have your posture right (I assume this means she's also still struggling with basic moves, too). Rather than bringing this up directly with her (because I want your meeting/e-mail to be mostly positive and solution-based), I'd bring this up in class in a general sense. Say something like this:
Edit as needed to fit your actual situation. This makes it clear that you have specific requirements to move up and that it's not about playing favorites. Of course, this means you have to stick to your requirements and not fudge them. As someone who has suffered through "intermediate" and "advanced" classes full of students asking questions about beginner moves, I strongly encourage you to stand your ground and not give in.
Your student may contact you to ask why she wasn't allowed to graduate and then you'll have to be honest with her. Point out the areas that she needs work, and then offer suggestions for what she can do. If you offer private lessons, suggest that she take one so you can more closely examine what is wrong with her posture and why she's struggling with certain moves. Suggest specific DVDs, YouTube tutorials or Datura Online videos that she can drill along with at home. Maybe suggest which students she should watch and copy in class. Mention other good teachers in the area that she can get some extra training from, if applicable.
But I suspect your problem will soon take care of itself. When she doesn't pass the intermediate test, she's probably going to either take it personally, or decide that bellydance is too hard and move on to the next would-be source of fulfillment. Of course, that could be my natural pessimism showing. I hope that for her sake and for yours that you can get through to her, and she takes this as inspiration to be a better friend and a better student, and works harder. Best of luck to you both.
Do you have an awkward situation of your own to deal with? Mail it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!
Today's letter comes from a dance friend and has some dance-related issues in it, but at its heart it's about how to deal with a very specific type of person that we've almost all encountered before. Read on:
I have a Politely Worded request: how/whether to tell someone she's being incredibly clingy. The person I'm thinking of is one of my bellydance students. She's desperately lonely and wants to make friends, but her idea of bonding is to share all the most horrible things that have ever happened to her (including telling near-strangers about being sexually abused) and text you ten times a day.
She's also paranoid about being excluded--one time, she was mistaken about the date of an event, and accused us of lying to her about the date so that we wouldn't have to invite her. On one hand, I feel bad for her; her social difficulties lie partly in the fact that she's on the autism spectrum. On the other hand, it's really very stressful to spend time with her. How can I be kind and yet avoid feeling resentful that she's trying to turn me into her mom?
Oh, and to make matter worse, she's fixated on passing the intermediate test as a sign of social acceptance, but I've been teaching her for most of a year, and she has yet to understand basic posture. wah!
Oh my oh my. Well, I have to admit that I identify with your student in one specific area. I, too, have a certain amount of insecurity about being excluded in my dance community. I once found myself crying in my car because I couldn't find the house we were supposed to have a troupe party at due to a problem with Bing maps, and no one was answering my text messages asking for directions. I convinced myself that they were ignoring me on purpose and didn't want me at the party after all. Of course, when I finally managed to pull the address up on a different map program and made my way there, everyone was happy to see me and they just hadn't heard their phones over the chatter.
When you're socially awkward, it's really easy to work yourself into a tizzy over stupid little things like that. What I've done, and what your student needs to do, is to be aware of the tendency to do that and to catch myself before I go into a death spiral. When I get stood up for a lunch date, instead of immediately thinking "Everyone hates me! Waaaa!" I think about all the more likely reasons. Maybe their car broke down, they wrote the date wrong on their calendar, there was a sudden family emergency. Because you know what? If someone really hated me, they wouldn't invite me out to lunch, so clearly there's some other more logical reason keeping them from meeting me.
You bring up three problems with your student, and each of them could be a PW column on their own, but I'll try to address each of them here.
1. Your student wants to make friends but is really bad at it, because she thinks over-sharing builds closeness when really it scares people off.
Can you meet her for coffee? If not, a nice e-mail or phone call may be necessary for talking about this and also the next issue. Be very careful and positive with your wording -- I say this not just because she's on the autism spectrum, I'd say it about someone who was just a drama queen, too. Start out focusing on her good qualities so she doesn't immediately get defensive and interrupt you. Say something like:
I just wanted to let you know that we're all really happy to have you in dance class. I love how dedicated you are to coming to class, attending events, and making new friends. I've noticed that you're really great about approaching the new students to befriend them! Can I just offer a bit of advice? I think you come on a little too strong with sharing personal details right away. Let people get to know you first! I think if you focus on talking about what you love about dance and what brought you to class and some of your other interests, it will help you and the newbies get to know each other so much more quickly.
2. Your student immediately assumes she was purposefully excluded when she has the wrong date for an event.
One way to prevent this without having to talk to her about it is to try to avoid date confusion in the future. If you don't already, make sure to provide upcoming event dates on a Google calender or in e-mail or as Facebook events. It's easier to remember a date and put it correctly in your personal calendar when you see it written down rather than hearing it. Provide several reminders as an event draws closer... Mention it in class, send out an extra e-mail, send a group text message. Maybe use different media so whatever people check most often, they see it.
Then when you do talk to her, say something like this:
I'm really sorry that you got so upset when you accidentally showed up for the hafla on the wrong day! I want you to know that we would never exclude you like that. In the future I'm going to make sure to be more clear about when things are happening, but if it happens again, please text me right away and I'll let you know what's going on.
3. Your student has unrealistic expectations about her progress in dance class.
Well, it's not unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate class after a year of studying, if you've been practicing hard. It is unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate when you don't even have your posture right (I assume this means she's also still struggling with basic moves, too). Rather than bringing this up directly with her (because I want your meeting/e-mail to be mostly positive and solution-based), I'd bring this up in class in a general sense. Say something like this:
Hey everyone, don't forget that we're starting a new intermediate session soon! I know some of you are interested in moving up. Remember that to be eligible for intermediate class you have to be comfortable cuing and leading <list of moves here>. The test will be held next Wednesday, so practice hard until then!
Edit as needed to fit your actual situation. This makes it clear that you have specific requirements to move up and that it's not about playing favorites. Of course, this means you have to stick to your requirements and not fudge them. As someone who has suffered through "intermediate" and "advanced" classes full of students asking questions about beginner moves, I strongly encourage you to stand your ground and not give in.
Your student may contact you to ask why she wasn't allowed to graduate and then you'll have to be honest with her. Point out the areas that she needs work, and then offer suggestions for what she can do. If you offer private lessons, suggest that she take one so you can more closely examine what is wrong with her posture and why she's struggling with certain moves. Suggest specific DVDs, YouTube tutorials or Datura Online videos that she can drill along with at home. Maybe suggest which students she should watch and copy in class. Mention other good teachers in the area that she can get some extra training from, if applicable.
But I suspect your problem will soon take care of itself. When she doesn't pass the intermediate test, she's probably going to either take it personally, or decide that bellydance is too hard and move on to the next would-be source of fulfillment. Of course, that could be my natural pessimism showing. I hope that for her sake and for yours that you can get through to her, and she takes this as inspiration to be a better friend and a better student, and works harder. Best of luck to you both.
Do you have an awkward situation of your own to deal with? Mail it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Turning Down Help
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's column is another reader-request topic. My anonymous questioner would like to know the best way to handle unwanted offers of help.
But wait... why wouldn't you want help? Well, there's a variety of reasons. Sometimes you prefer to do things your own way. Every time we visit my in-laws I offer to help clear up after dinner and my mother-in-law always says "No thank you, I have my system" which is really the nicest way to say "I'd rather you didn't get in my way" and honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing an entire column when her words work perfectly. In fact, since we've got that covered, let's talk about other situations.
There may be times when you really need help, but you don't want it from a specific person. Maybe that person annoys you, or maybe they're really bad with what you need help with but think they're really good -- for instance, you have a band and you lose your guitarist and your friend who can barely play the scales (do you even play scales on a guitar? I'm bad at music) jumps at the chance to take their spot. Oh no! How do you politely say "Actually, you suck at the guitar"?
Unfortunately, as far as I know there's no polite way to tell someone they suck (otherwise I'd be doing it all the time because there are a lot of people out there who need to put more effort into what they do). Instead you have to frame it in such a way that suggests that they're not quite what you need. You might say:
"I don't think you quite fit the band's style."
"We really need someone who already knows how to play classical Spanish style guitar. Oh, I'm sure you could learn but we need a new guitarist right now."
"That's so sweet of you but no thank you."
Oftentimes when you go ahead and accept the offer of unskilled help, you just end up wasting more time cleaning up after them than getting things done. I always shudder when someone says they want to "help" with my jewelry business. If they were good at making jewelry, they'd have their own business. Same for people who have never taken a bellydance class in their life but want to come over and dance with me. In both cases, it's obvious that they want free lessons from me, and that's not happening. Of course, this isn't always how unwelcome "help" works out. Mostly people genuinely do mean well, they're just clueless.
To avoid these situations, be careful in mentioning things that you need help with. People tend to think that a complaint is a subtle way of asking for help. After all, when a friend says "Packing is taking forever!" don't you immediately feel compelled to say "Oh, let me know if you need any help moving?" even though helping with moving is the last thing you want to do with your weekend? Of course you do, because you're a good friend. So just don't mention your home improvement plans in front of your friends who see such projects as an excuse to have a nail gun fight, or the friends who always offer to "help" but manage to show up late, not get anything done, and eat all the pizza.
Would you like to suggest a topic for this blog or see your letter published? Please write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com!
Today's column is another reader-request topic. My anonymous questioner would like to know the best way to handle unwanted offers of help.
But wait... why wouldn't you want help? Well, there's a variety of reasons. Sometimes you prefer to do things your own way. Every time we visit my in-laws I offer to help clear up after dinner and my mother-in-law always says "No thank you, I have my system" which is really the nicest way to say "I'd rather you didn't get in my way" and honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing an entire column when her words work perfectly. In fact, since we've got that covered, let's talk about other situations.
There may be times when you really need help, but you don't want it from a specific person. Maybe that person annoys you, or maybe they're really bad with what you need help with but think they're really good -- for instance, you have a band and you lose your guitarist and your friend who can barely play the scales (do you even play scales on a guitar? I'm bad at music) jumps at the chance to take their spot. Oh no! How do you politely say "Actually, you suck at the guitar"?
Unfortunately, as far as I know there's no polite way to tell someone they suck (otherwise I'd be doing it all the time because there are a lot of people out there who need to put more effort into what they do). Instead you have to frame it in such a way that suggests that they're not quite what you need. You might say:
"I don't think you quite fit the band's style."
"We really need someone who already knows how to play classical Spanish style guitar. Oh, I'm sure you could learn but we need a new guitarist right now."
"That's so sweet of you but no thank you."
Oftentimes when you go ahead and accept the offer of unskilled help, you just end up wasting more time cleaning up after them than getting things done. I always shudder when someone says they want to "help" with my jewelry business. If they were good at making jewelry, they'd have their own business. Same for people who have never taken a bellydance class in their life but want to come over and dance with me. In both cases, it's obvious that they want free lessons from me, and that's not happening. Of course, this isn't always how unwelcome "help" works out. Mostly people genuinely do mean well, they're just clueless.
To avoid these situations, be careful in mentioning things that you need help with. People tend to think that a complaint is a subtle way of asking for help. After all, when a friend says "Packing is taking forever!" don't you immediately feel compelled to say "Oh, let me know if you need any help moving?" even though helping with moving is the last thing you want to do with your weekend? Of course you do, because you're a good friend. So just don't mention your home improvement plans in front of your friends who see such projects as an excuse to have a nail gun fight, or the friends who always offer to "help" but manage to show up late, not get anything done, and eat all the pizza.
Would you like to suggest a topic for this blog or see your letter published? Please write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Friends get freebies, right?
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's topic is a reader request... How to deal with the expectation of freebies. This is similar to my early post about charity requests, but this time we're dealing with people who think they shouldn't have to pay you because they're family or friends.
It's so frustrating to me because it feels very one-sided. The usual excuse is "Oh, we're such good friends, how could you charge me?" I feel like a good friend wants to support her friend's business. I am always happy to buy things from my friends and I never expect a discount, let alone freebies.
This happens when you're not in business, too. If you're good at something, as a hobby or for your day job, people expect you to do it for them for free. I have friends who crochet and knit who have been asked to make baby blankets for people they don't even know! And of course, as soon as anyone admits to having a job in the computer industry (in any facet of it), they immediately become the go-to guy for everyone's computer problems.
Much like charity, this is an issue where you need to decide where you draw the line. For me, of course I will make my Mom things for free -- she gave birth to me, she can have some earrings to match her new necklace -- and if she wants to buy something from my shop, she gets a discount. The same for my best friend who lets me crash at her place whenever I'm in Phoenix. She cooks me crepes for breakfast and I make her a custom necklace while I wait. Other family members and close friends get discounts, or extra surprises with their orders. And I usually do a bigger discount on custom work than on things that I had to go to the effort of photographing and listing on Etsy.
So decide who you are willing to work for free for, and under what circumstances. For all others, have a speech prepared. Something like this:
The trade is one of my favorite compromises. Sometimes people genuinely can't afford your work but are willing to do something in return. But only offer this if it's something you really need or want. Don't feel bad turning down trade offers for things you're not interested in -- believe me, you will get a lot of them in your life and soon you are bogged down with weird knick-knacks and IOUs for services you'll never use.
Oh, and what if it's not your career? You can use a few different lines:
-or-
-or-
Don't get guilt-tripped. There is not a single relationship that requires you to make an Irish lace wedding dress to maintain it, and if the other party feels that way, you're probably better off without them. Only take on the projects that make you happy, thus enriching the friendship for both parties.
Are you looking for the right words for a difficult situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!
PS: Due to low letter volume, I will be temporarily switching back to a once a week schedule until at least mid-February. I will continue to update on Wednesdays.
Today's topic is a reader request... How to deal with the expectation of freebies. This is similar to my early post about charity requests, but this time we're dealing with people who think they shouldn't have to pay you because they're family or friends.
It's so frustrating to me because it feels very one-sided. The usual excuse is "Oh, we're such good friends, how could you charge me?" I feel like a good friend wants to support her friend's business. I am always happy to buy things from my friends and I never expect a discount, let alone freebies.
This happens when you're not in business, too. If you're good at something, as a hobby or for your day job, people expect you to do it for them for free. I have friends who crochet and knit who have been asked to make baby blankets for people they don't even know! And of course, as soon as anyone admits to having a job in the computer industry (in any facet of it), they immediately become the go-to guy for everyone's computer problems.
Much like charity, this is an issue where you need to decide where you draw the line. For me, of course I will make my Mom things for free -- she gave birth to me, she can have some earrings to match her new necklace -- and if she wants to buy something from my shop, she gets a discount. The same for my best friend who lets me crash at her place whenever I'm in Phoenix. She cooks me crepes for breakfast and I make her a custom necklace while I wait. Other family members and close friends get discounts, or extra surprises with their orders. And I usually do a bigger discount on custom work than on things that I had to go to the effort of photographing and listing on Etsy.
So decide who you are willing to work for free for, and under what circumstances. For all others, have a speech prepared. Something like this:
I'm sorry, I can't do this for free. Making jewelry (crocheting, fixing computers, practicing law) is my career and the time that I spend on this is time I can't spend on the projects that pay the bills. Because we're so close, though, I'd be happy to do this for half my normal price (the cost of materials, a 20% discount, in return for you doing my yardwork).
The trade is one of my favorite compromises. Sometimes people genuinely can't afford your work but are willing to do something in return. But only offer this if it's something you really need or want. Don't feel bad turning down trade offers for things you're not interested in -- believe me, you will get a lot of them in your life and soon you are bogged down with weird knick-knacks and IOUs for services you'll never use.
Oh, and what if it's not your career? You can use a few different lines:
I'd be happy to make that for you, but I'll need at least $50 for the supplies. Mohair yarn is just so expensive!
-or-
I'm sorry, sewing is what I do to relax after work. If I started taking custom orders it would feel too much like a second job.
-or-
I'm afraid I don't have time to fix your computer this weekend, but here's the e-mail address of my friend who does that on the side. He's really reliable and his prices are fair.
Don't get guilt-tripped. There is not a single relationship that requires you to make an Irish lace wedding dress to maintain it, and if the other party feels that way, you're probably better off without them. Only take on the projects that make you happy, thus enriching the friendship for both parties.
Are you looking for the right words for a difficult situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!
PS: Due to low letter volume, I will be temporarily switching back to a once a week schedule until at least mid-February. I will continue to update on Wednesdays.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Caught in the Middle
Hello Polite Readers!
We've all been there -- two (or more) friends, family members, co-workers or other acquaintances are having a fight and they both want you to take their side. Each gleefully recounts what happened, skewed to make it look like they are the wronged party. They might ask your opinion, they might ask you to serve as a go-between in delivering snide messages, or they might even go so far as to ask you to cut off your relationship with the other. It's one of the most uncomfortable positions to be in.
In my youth, I heard a response to this that has stuck with me for my entire life and served me well: "If I'm not part of the problem, and I'm not part of the solution, I don't want to be involved." Treat this as your mantra whenever someone tries to drag you into their fight. Do they genuinely want you to help mediate a dispute? Great, you're willing to help because you want everyone to get along. But if they want you to just join their anti-the-other-guy posse, you don't want any part of that.
I know it's hard sometimes. Maybe you do feel genuinely closer to one party than the other (for instance, it's your Mom vs a distant cousin), or maybe you so desperately want to give in to the human nature to indulge in a little gossip. There have been times when I've wanted to know all the dirty details about a conflict, but I refrained. The problem is that when you get either or even both sides of the story, it tends to color your perception of each person and damages the friendship -- beyond the initial damage done by them trying to drag you into it.
There are a few polite variations you can use that are a little softer than the mantra:
"I'm sorry, I love you both and I just don't want to get involved."
"If there's anything I can do to help mend fences I'd be happy to, but I don't want to hear all the dirty details."
"It sounds like a really complicated situation. I hope you guys can work it out."
As usual, I advise quickly changing the subject before they can say "But just this one thing..." and tell you what horrible thing so-and-so said to them. If necessary, you may even need to walk away if you can. Let me tell you, there are few things worse than being stuck in a car with someone who wants to get something off of their chest. You may need to turn the radio up really loudly (just kidding, that's kind of rude).
Staying out of it will serve you well in the long-run. Ideally, the warring parties will eventually make up, and you won't be left with any awkwardness about things that you said to them during the fight that was never yours in the first place. If they do never reconcile, you can make your own decision as to whether to maintain the two different relationships, or if not, which one to keep, based solely on your own experience with them and not with having been forced to choose by an ultimatum.
Do you need a graceful way to handle an awkward social situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may publish your letter on this blog.
We've all been there -- two (or more) friends, family members, co-workers or other acquaintances are having a fight and they both want you to take their side. Each gleefully recounts what happened, skewed to make it look like they are the wronged party. They might ask your opinion, they might ask you to serve as a go-between in delivering snide messages, or they might even go so far as to ask you to cut off your relationship with the other. It's one of the most uncomfortable positions to be in.
In my youth, I heard a response to this that has stuck with me for my entire life and served me well: "If I'm not part of the problem, and I'm not part of the solution, I don't want to be involved." Treat this as your mantra whenever someone tries to drag you into their fight. Do they genuinely want you to help mediate a dispute? Great, you're willing to help because you want everyone to get along. But if they want you to just join their anti-the-other-guy posse, you don't want any part of that.
I know it's hard sometimes. Maybe you do feel genuinely closer to one party than the other (for instance, it's your Mom vs a distant cousin), or maybe you so desperately want to give in to the human nature to indulge in a little gossip. There have been times when I've wanted to know all the dirty details about a conflict, but I refrained. The problem is that when you get either or even both sides of the story, it tends to color your perception of each person and damages the friendship -- beyond the initial damage done by them trying to drag you into it.
There are a few polite variations you can use that are a little softer than the mantra:
"I'm sorry, I love you both and I just don't want to get involved."
"If there's anything I can do to help mend fences I'd be happy to, but I don't want to hear all the dirty details."
"It sounds like a really complicated situation. I hope you guys can work it out."
As usual, I advise quickly changing the subject before they can say "But just this one thing..." and tell you what horrible thing so-and-so said to them. If necessary, you may even need to walk away if you can. Let me tell you, there are few things worse than being stuck in a car with someone who wants to get something off of their chest. You may need to turn the radio up really loudly (just kidding, that's kind of rude).
Staying out of it will serve you well in the long-run. Ideally, the warring parties will eventually make up, and you won't be left with any awkwardness about things that you said to them during the fight that was never yours in the first place. If they do never reconcile, you can make your own decision as to whether to maintain the two different relationships, or if not, which one to keep, based solely on your own experience with them and not with having been forced to choose by an ultimatum.
Do you need a graceful way to handle an awkward social situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may publish your letter on this blog.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Olfactory Assault
Hello Polite Readers!
Guess what? I have apparently found the most sensitive of topics, and that topic is... body odor! I've had numerous people tell me that you can't tell someone that they have BO. Why not? Apparently it's too embarrassing.
I just don't understand this. If I was smelling things up, I would want one of my friends to discreetly let me know, instead of having everyone talk about it behind my back. I see it as being the same as having spinach in your teeth or your skirt tucked into your panty hose. Other people disagree, because BO is often a chronic problem, rather than a quick one-time fix. But I still think it's appropriate to bring it up.
I've heard a few arguments against bringing it up, like:
"But it's so embarrassing!"
You know what's embarrassing? When you finally find out that for weeks/months/years people have been talking about your odor behind your back because no one was brave enough or nice enough to tell you.
"They probably already know."
Actually, people become desensitized to smells. It's why cat owners don't realize their house smells like litter box, women think they need more perfume than they do, and evil smokers don't believe me when I say I have to wash my hair three times to get their stink out of my hair. Plus some people just don't have a good sense of smell.
"Maybe it's a medical problem."
Maybe it is. Maybe they can't do anything about it. But if you go to them, they can say "Oh man, I'm so sorry, I have this condition. I didn't realize it was so bad." Then you can quietly spread the word to the rest of the group that you spoke to the olfactory offender and they are doing the best they can.
Look. No one is going to die of embarrassment if two people have a talk about how one of them smells bad. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, I am actually going to advise that you do it over phone or e-mail rather than in a public place (if you two can meet in a private place like your home, then you can do it face to face if you're brave enough), so neither of you has to squirm in front of strangers. And here's what I'd say:
Hopefully that will work. Or you may find that your friend is one of those people who doesn't use deodorant because they think it causes cancer, in which case maybe you can convince them to wear air fresheners under their arms or something. Note: don't actually try that, it isn't polite. Other things to not do:
Say "No, I don't want to sit next to you, you smell bad!" How horrible rude and blunt.
Chase them around with Febreeze.
Bring up the subject if you're not the sort of close acquaintance who can do so from a place of genuine concern for your friend's social well-being. Having bad body odor can be detrimental to one's career, love life, and friendships.
Do you have an even more sensitive topic for me to cover? E-mail it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll give it my best answer!
Guess what? I have apparently found the most sensitive of topics, and that topic is... body odor! I've had numerous people tell me that you can't tell someone that they have BO. Why not? Apparently it's too embarrassing.
I just don't understand this. If I was smelling things up, I would want one of my friends to discreetly let me know, instead of having everyone talk about it behind my back. I see it as being the same as having spinach in your teeth or your skirt tucked into your panty hose. Other people disagree, because BO is often a chronic problem, rather than a quick one-time fix. But I still think it's appropriate to bring it up.
I've heard a few arguments against bringing it up, like:
"But it's so embarrassing!"
You know what's embarrassing? When you finally find out that for weeks/months/years people have been talking about your odor behind your back because no one was brave enough or nice enough to tell you.
"They probably already know."
Actually, people become desensitized to smells. It's why cat owners don't realize their house smells like litter box, women think they need more perfume than they do, and evil smokers don't believe me when I say I have to wash my hair three times to get their stink out of my hair. Plus some people just don't have a good sense of smell.
"Maybe it's a medical problem."
Maybe it is. Maybe they can't do anything about it. But if you go to them, they can say "Oh man, I'm so sorry, I have this condition. I didn't realize it was so bad." Then you can quietly spread the word to the rest of the group that you spoke to the olfactory offender and they are doing the best they can.
Look. No one is going to die of embarrassment if two people have a talk about how one of them smells bad. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, I am actually going to advise that you do it over phone or e-mail rather than in a public place (if you two can meet in a private place like your home, then you can do it face to face if you're brave enough), so neither of you has to squirm in front of strangers. And here's what I'd say:
Hey, I hate to be the one to bring this up, and there's no non-awkward way to say it, but I've noticed that you have a bit of an odor problem. Maybe you're already aware of it and you're doing everything you can, in which case I apologize for bringing it up. But if this is news to you, maybe it's just time to try a new deodorant. I use <X Brand> and it's pretty good. Just don't buy Axe, that stuff is worse than BO. I also know some good body washes and colognes, if you're interested.
Hopefully that will work. Or you may find that your friend is one of those people who doesn't use deodorant because they think it causes cancer, in which case maybe you can convince them to wear air fresheners under their arms or something. Note: don't actually try that, it isn't polite. Other things to not do:
Say "No, I don't want to sit next to you, you smell bad!" How horrible rude and blunt.
Chase them around with Febreeze.
Bring up the subject if you're not the sort of close acquaintance who can do so from a place of genuine concern for your friend's social well-being. Having bad body odor can be detrimental to one's career, love life, and friendships.
Do you have an even more sensitive topic for me to cover? E-mail it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll give it my best answer!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Feed your guests!
Hello Polite Readers!
Ok, I try not to play favorites around here, but today's column is the funniest request I've ever gotten. Please enjoy my friend Carapace's tale of Halloween Party Woe:
I feel okay about laughing at this, because Cara and her gal pals were not only saved from starvation, but they had possibly the Most Awesome Dinner Ever! Zombie-themed Vietnamese food? I know what I want for lunch.
Now don't get me wrong. Bacon and cupcakes are two things that I do love, but not really together, and they're certainly not enough for a 6 hour party which happens to start during prime dinner time. Also, no drinks? Bacon is salty, you need something to wash it down with! Your friend clearly has no idea how to throw a party, and I'm not sure why he would even want to host one. Does he have a new home and he wanted to show off? Is his place centrally located? Does he have the largest place? Did he have an awesome theme for a Halloween party but forgot that people like to eat?
I also get that it's expensive to throw a party. That's why it's OK to have a potluck, or why you either throw your party in the middle of the afternoon (after lunch, before dinner), or late at night (well after dinner) so that there's no expectation of a meal.
So how can you explain to your friend that he should have fed you? You can't just say "Dude, seriously, order a pizza next time!" but you can approach him in a friendly, slightly teasing, helpful manner. Write something like this:
Keep it casual. Minimize the complaint about NO FOOD (which is seriously horrible, I would have started eating guests. Hungry AJ makes irrational decisions) and focus on the fact that next time his friends could bring LOTS OF FOOD. I also suggested mentioning a good thing or two, because that way he doesn't feel like he's horrible at hosting parties and a lousy friend. Although if you can't think of anything good to say, it's probably a good sign that you should decline his next invitation.
Do you have a party horror story to tell, and a related question to ask? Please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com so we can all share in your misery and figure out how to make it better next time.
Ok, I try not to play favorites around here, but today's column is the funniest request I've ever gotten. Please enjoy my friend Carapace's tale of Halloween Party Woe:
Y'all, the friend throwing it? He had no food for it. NONE. Not even sodas. One tiny eggtray of 12 mini-cupcakes. That was IT. When we and the other people attending called to ask if we should bring anything, he said "Bring whatever you want!" which, you know, normal humans hear as "Bring anything you'd especially like, maybe some soda or chips or something".
His whole food plan was to cook up some bacon later in the night and share it out. Oh, and that package of cupcakes. *headdesk*
And did I mention this party was running from 6 pm or so until midnight? Yyyyep. This guy, I swear, I ever meet the parents who raised him I'm gonna shake 'em til their teeth rattle.
But! Because of this, I and the other two women at the party wound up going to a nearby Vietnamese restaurant, and they had a whole zombie dinner theme going! Like three different specials written up all Hammer-movie style (I had the Crawling Horror Basil Shrimp, with Witch's Brew Soup (something like a thick, sesame-heavy sweet and sour) and Shredded Heads Salad (cabbage salad, with some sort of sweet read sauce). It was fantastic! And when we got back the guys had eaten the bacon and cupcakes and were satisfied with that. *eyeroll*
But, AJ, I think I need a Politely Worded Letter explaining to my friend that throwing a party with NO provisions is Not Okay.:P
I feel okay about laughing at this, because Cara and her gal pals were not only saved from starvation, but they had possibly the Most Awesome Dinner Ever! Zombie-themed Vietnamese food? I know what I want for lunch.
Now don't get me wrong. Bacon and cupcakes are two things that I do love, but not really together, and they're certainly not enough for a 6 hour party which happens to start during prime dinner time. Also, no drinks? Bacon is salty, you need something to wash it down with! Your friend clearly has no idea how to throw a party, and I'm not sure why he would even want to host one. Does he have a new home and he wanted to show off? Is his place centrally located? Does he have the largest place? Did he have an awesome theme for a Halloween party but forgot that people like to eat?
I also get that it's expensive to throw a party. That's why it's OK to have a potluck, or why you either throw your party in the middle of the afternoon (after lunch, before dinner), or late at night (well after dinner) so that there's no expectation of a meal.
So how can you explain to your friend that he should have fed you? You can't just say "Dude, seriously, order a pizza next time!" but you can approach him in a friendly, slightly teasing, helpful manner. Write something like this:
Hey friend, we had a great time at your party on Halloween! <insert something you especially enjoyed> The only problem was that since the party started at 6, we didn't have time to eat dinner before we came and we were expecting to be able to munch on snacks. That's why a few of us had to leave in the middle, we were starving. You know, next time you can totally make it a potluck and I'm sure we'd all be happy to bring something. I could have whipped up some meringues! Don't feel bad asking people to contribute, we all know how it goes. Anyway, thanks again for hosting, loved your costume!
Keep it casual. Minimize the complaint about NO FOOD (which is seriously horrible, I would have started eating guests. Hungry AJ makes irrational decisions) and focus on the fact that next time his friends could bring LOTS OF FOOD. I also suggested mentioning a good thing or two, because that way he doesn't feel like he's horrible at hosting parties and a lousy friend. Although if you can't think of anything good to say, it's probably a good sign that you should decline his next invitation.
Do you have a party horror story to tell, and a related question to ask? Please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com so we can all share in your misery and figure out how to make it better next time.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
What if I don't want to party every day?
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's topic comes courtesy of a friend, who writes:
Dmitri, you chose the right person to write to for advice. Whereas a lot of my columns are based on me just sitting here and thinking about the politest way to handle a situation I have never been in, this is a topic I have tons of real-life experience with. I am introverted by nature so I have lots of practice turning down invites to social events. It's not that I don't like my friends, it's just that sometimes I need to spend a night at home with a book and recharge.
I don't know whether you identify more strongly with introverts or extroverts, but I have a feeling that even the most outgoing soul is going to occasionally want to lounge around in their jammies in front of the TV after a full day of work and a hard work-out. We all need to rest from time to time, both physically and mentally. It sounds like your friends are leading a less strenuous life than you and you're worried they won't understand.
Well, stop worrying so much, Dmitri (I really like typing your fake name, can you tell?). You've got to take care of you, and you can do so politely. I don't think you really even need to explain yourself. Just start saying "Sorry, I can't come out tonight. How about we do something on Saturday instead?" or some variation thereof. Don't offer excuses! Your friends will counter them, and you'll have to either make more excuses (which makes it clear that you just don't want to hang out but can't bring yourself to say it), or you'll have to let yourself get talked into going out rather than admitting that you're lying.
I also don't recommend making a blanket announcement that you don't want to hang out as often. I think even the most polite wording will lead to some hurt feelings. It's easier to turn things down one by one and be able to decide what you want to do than deal with sulky friends not inviting you to their birthday party because "Dmitri doesn't want to hang out with us anymore."
I can't tell if you have one group of friends that wants to hang out together every night (which I find a bit extreme, but as I said above, introvert. My husband is the only person I see every day), or if you have a big social web that results in different people inviting you out every night. In the first case, it's pretty easy to just limit yourself to only seeing them 1-3 times a week as your schedule allows. In the second case, you may find yourself juggling friends as you try to get a chance to see everyone and make them all feel loved, without hitting the bars or going bowling every night.
My advice to you would be to decide how often you need a "you" night -- for me, I like to have one night a week that I don't go out for anything. You may be fine having one every two weeks, or happy going out every night as long as you come home early once a week. Then look for alternative ways to see everyone -- grab lunch with one friend, weekend afternoon coffee with another, see if any of them want to be workout buddies so you can combine socializing with exercise.
Most of your friends will probably be cool with the new arrangement, as long as they still get to see you on a regular basis. The ones who genuinely "need" to see you every. single. day. are probably the sort of emotionally needy person that you'll want to minimize your time with anyway.
As for the money thing, boy, do I hear you! If you live in a spread-out area, the cost of gas adds up pretty quickly. If you find yourself still going out a lot, do your best to work on some ride-sharing arrangements or make sure that a fair amount of the plans are close to your side of the town. You should never be in a situation where you always have to go see them unless your friend is housebound for medical reasons.
I hope this helps, Dmitri! (just had to type it one more time)
If you have your own sticky social situation, you can write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I will see if I can help!
Today's topic comes courtesy of a friend, who writes:
Hi AJ,Can I use a fake name? Oh boy, can I! Friend, your new name is Dmitri. Feel free to try on a fake Russian accent.
I'm looking for a polite way to relay to a few friends that I'm not
into the idea of doing something EVERY night. I work full time,
exercise almost every day, and enjoy spending time with my family.
Plus, it gets expensive to drive around all the time, even if we
aren't planning an expensive activity.
I'm nervous that if I approach the topic too directly they'll think I
look at them as clingy/annoying and there will be hurt feelings. Any
tips?
PS: could you please use a fake name if you choose to publish this?
Dmitri, you chose the right person to write to for advice. Whereas a lot of my columns are based on me just sitting here and thinking about the politest way to handle a situation I have never been in, this is a topic I have tons of real-life experience with. I am introverted by nature so I have lots of practice turning down invites to social events. It's not that I don't like my friends, it's just that sometimes I need to spend a night at home with a book and recharge.
I don't know whether you identify more strongly with introverts or extroverts, but I have a feeling that even the most outgoing soul is going to occasionally want to lounge around in their jammies in front of the TV after a full day of work and a hard work-out. We all need to rest from time to time, both physically and mentally. It sounds like your friends are leading a less strenuous life than you and you're worried they won't understand.
Well, stop worrying so much, Dmitri (I really like typing your fake name, can you tell?). You've got to take care of you, and you can do so politely. I don't think you really even need to explain yourself. Just start saying "Sorry, I can't come out tonight. How about we do something on Saturday instead?" or some variation thereof. Don't offer excuses! Your friends will counter them, and you'll have to either make more excuses (which makes it clear that you just don't want to hang out but can't bring yourself to say it), or you'll have to let yourself get talked into going out rather than admitting that you're lying.
I also don't recommend making a blanket announcement that you don't want to hang out as often. I think even the most polite wording will lead to some hurt feelings. It's easier to turn things down one by one and be able to decide what you want to do than deal with sulky friends not inviting you to their birthday party because "Dmitri doesn't want to hang out with us anymore."
I can't tell if you have one group of friends that wants to hang out together every night (which I find a bit extreme, but as I said above, introvert. My husband is the only person I see every day), or if you have a big social web that results in different people inviting you out every night. In the first case, it's pretty easy to just limit yourself to only seeing them 1-3 times a week as your schedule allows. In the second case, you may find yourself juggling friends as you try to get a chance to see everyone and make them all feel loved, without hitting the bars or going bowling every night.
My advice to you would be to decide how often you need a "you" night -- for me, I like to have one night a week that I don't go out for anything. You may be fine having one every two weeks, or happy going out every night as long as you come home early once a week. Then look for alternative ways to see everyone -- grab lunch with one friend, weekend afternoon coffee with another, see if any of them want to be workout buddies so you can combine socializing with exercise.
Most of your friends will probably be cool with the new arrangement, as long as they still get to see you on a regular basis. The ones who genuinely "need" to see you every. single. day. are probably the sort of emotionally needy person that you'll want to minimize your time with anyway.
As for the money thing, boy, do I hear you! If you live in a spread-out area, the cost of gas adds up pretty quickly. If you find yourself still going out a lot, do your best to work on some ride-sharing arrangements or make sure that a fair amount of the plans are close to your side of the town. You should never be in a situation where you always have to go see them unless your friend is housebound for medical reasons.
I hope this helps, Dmitri! (just had to type it one more time)
If you have your own sticky social situation, you can write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I will see if I can help!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Gift Giving Obligations
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's column comes from Alisa, who wrote in with a very timely question about holiday gifts:
I think this is a problem that far too many of us have, especially as the bad economy just drags on forever. In a perfect world we wouldn't mind buying nice gifts for everyone we know, but in the real world, every gift that we feel obligated to buy for a not-so-close friend or distant relative is less money that we can spend on our nearest and dearest, or more debt that we go into so we can keep everyone happy and still pay the bills.
The first question I want you to ask yourself, Alisa, is have you and your former co-worker actually kept in touch via FB and email? Are you having meaningful conversations, or just "Liking" each other's vacation pics? Because if it's the latter, than the friendship is dying a slow, natural death and you don't have to worry about doing more than writing "Merry Christmas" on her wall in December.
If you're still close, though, then she probably does plan to send you something for the holidays, especially if she hasn't found a new work buddy. You should go ahead and break the news to her soon so that she hopefully hasn't already purchased your gift yet. Say something like this:
Of course, the problem with this is that it might be revealing more of your financial situation than you're comfortable with. You can change the wording a bit to be more relevant to your situation and less about finances. Do you have kids, or is there a new niece or nephew or baby cousin in the family? You can say that you're focusing on the younger generation this year. Or go the tried-and-true "real spirit of Christmas" method and focus more of your giving on charity this year, saying something like:
Whatever method you go for, be sure to still acknowledge your friend at the holidays. I would send her a nice card with a heartfelt note, wishing her well, sharing a funny tidbit about a co-worker you both know, something that will make her feel remembered and help tide her over while she builds a social circle in her new home.
Also, keep in mind that whatever you say, she may still send you a nice present. Some people just really love shopping for the perfect gift, wrapping it up nicely, and seeing you enjoy it. It's not about give-and-take for them, because they get rewarded by the act of gifting to you. Did your friend ever seem resentful when you were giving her $15 gifts and she was giving you $50 gifts? If not, she is probably just the sort of person who sees the perfect thing for their friend and buys it, without any concern about the price or what you'll give them in return. In that case, you just have to learn to let it go, and not feel bad when you can't reciprocate.
On the other hand, if she does act resentful and starts making passive-aggressive comments, you have my permission to hasten along the natural death of the friendship by hiding her on Facebook!
Do you have your own holiday-related problems that are already stressing you out? Need to have the perfect response memorized when dealing with your creepy uncle at Thanksgiving? Just drop me an email at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll see if I can help!
Today's column comes from Alisa, who wrote in with a very timely question about holiday gifts:
I have a bit of a sticky situation. I worked with a woman for several years, and during that time, we became social outside of work. We also began to make Christmas/birthdays at work more fun by exchanging gifts. I kept my gifts around $15 in value, but she began to up the value of what she gave to me. For my last birthday (in January) she gave me around $50 in gifts. Shortly after, she left her job for another in a different city. We still plan to keep in touch via email and facebook, but we probably will not be getting together much in person, if at all. Her own birthday came up after she left, and since she'd spent so much on my last gift, I felt obligated to get her something, so I boxed up a gift and mailed it to her. But now Christmas is coming, and I would really prefer not to continue exchanging gifts, since it was mainly a 'work thing', and honestly, I do not have the funds right now. My question is, how do I let her know? I'm afraid she is going to spend a bunch of money on me again, and I really do not want that. But she's very sensitive emotionally, and, I think, lonely right now in her new city and job. I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I handle this?
I think this is a problem that far too many of us have, especially as the bad economy just drags on forever. In a perfect world we wouldn't mind buying nice gifts for everyone we know, but in the real world, every gift that we feel obligated to buy for a not-so-close friend or distant relative is less money that we can spend on our nearest and dearest, or more debt that we go into so we can keep everyone happy and still pay the bills.
The first question I want you to ask yourself, Alisa, is have you and your former co-worker actually kept in touch via FB and email? Are you having meaningful conversations, or just "Liking" each other's vacation pics? Because if it's the latter, than the friendship is dying a slow, natural death and you don't have to worry about doing more than writing "Merry Christmas" on her wall in December.
If you're still close, though, then she probably does plan to send you something for the holidays, especially if she hasn't found a new work buddy. You should go ahead and break the news to her soon so that she hopefully hasn't already purchased your gift yet. Say something like this:
Hi! Can you believe it's only a couple of months until Christmas? I was just starting my shopping and I'm pretty depressed about how low the budget is this year. I'm not really going to be able to buy gifts for most of my friends. I wanted to let you know because you've always been so thoughtful with gift-giving and I would feel horrible if you sent me something when I can't afford to return the favor!
Of course, the problem with this is that it might be revealing more of your financial situation than you're comfortable with. You can change the wording a bit to be more relevant to your situation and less about finances. Do you have kids, or is there a new niece or nephew or baby cousin in the family? You can say that you're focusing on the younger generation this year. Or go the tried-and-true "real spirit of Christmas" method and focus more of your giving on charity this year, saying something like:
Hey friend! How are things going? How's the new job? I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about the holidays (hard not to when Wal-Mart already has Christmas trees up!) and feeling bad about how many people are out of work and homeless this year. As such I'm going to be spending a lot of my usual gift budget on canned goods for the food bank and I was thinking you might do the same! Wish you were still local, we could hit Costco together!
Whatever method you go for, be sure to still acknowledge your friend at the holidays. I would send her a nice card with a heartfelt note, wishing her well, sharing a funny tidbit about a co-worker you both know, something that will make her feel remembered and help tide her over while she builds a social circle in her new home.
Also, keep in mind that whatever you say, she may still send you a nice present. Some people just really love shopping for the perfect gift, wrapping it up nicely, and seeing you enjoy it. It's not about give-and-take for them, because they get rewarded by the act of gifting to you. Did your friend ever seem resentful when you were giving her $15 gifts and she was giving you $50 gifts? If not, she is probably just the sort of person who sees the perfect thing for their friend and buys it, without any concern about the price or what you'll give them in return. In that case, you just have to learn to let it go, and not feel bad when you can't reciprocate.
On the other hand, if she does act resentful and starts making passive-aggressive comments, you have my permission to hasten along the natural death of the friendship by hiding her on Facebook!
Do you have your own holiday-related problems that are already stressing you out? Need to have the perfect response memorized when dealing with your creepy uncle at Thanksgiving? Just drop me an email at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll see if I can help!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Friends and Money
Hello Polite Readers!
Whew. This week is a doozy! A friend asked me for advice on how to handle it when friends owe you money. Now, growing up I was always told "Don't mix friendship and money" but the truth is, that's really hard advice to follow. If you're selling a car and your friend wants to buy it, are you really going to turn them down because you'd rather sell it to a stranger? Of course you're not.
So. For whatever reason, a friend owes you money. First, decide if you really need the money back. If, for instance, you were out for lunch and your friend only had AmEx and the restaurant only takes Visa, and you say "Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it" and your friend swears they'll pay you back after payday but then they forget, that's a pretty easy debt to dismiss. But if, as mentioned above, your friend is buying a car from you and is behind on the payments, that's pretty hard to let slide.
Start up gentle and amp the pressure up. The next time you see them in an appropriate situation, casually mention the money and give them the chance to pay you. Maybe they were already planning to. If that doesn't work, you'll probably have to call or e-mail them and say something like this:
Adjust as needed to fit your particular situation. But do try to be flexible if you can. Of course, things may be just as tight for you, so you may need to be a little more firm:
One important note: Keep the money dispute between you and the friend in question. Please do not drag it out at group gatherings. I once witnessed a very messy friendship-breakup over money where they kept bringing it up at social gatherings until they had to be asked not to. That's an awkward situation for everyone involved.
That's it for this week! Remember that you can E-Mail Me if you'd like your own Politely Worded way of handling your problems.
Whew. This week is a doozy! A friend asked me for advice on how to handle it when friends owe you money. Now, growing up I was always told "Don't mix friendship and money" but the truth is, that's really hard advice to follow. If you're selling a car and your friend wants to buy it, are you really going to turn them down because you'd rather sell it to a stranger? Of course you're not.
So. For whatever reason, a friend owes you money. First, decide if you really need the money back. If, for instance, you were out for lunch and your friend only had AmEx and the restaurant only takes Visa, and you say "Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it" and your friend swears they'll pay you back after payday but then they forget, that's a pretty easy debt to dismiss. But if, as mentioned above, your friend is buying a car from you and is behind on the payments, that's pretty hard to let slide.
Start up gentle and amp the pressure up. The next time you see them in an appropriate situation, casually mention the money and give them the chance to pay you. Maybe they were already planning to. If that doesn't work, you'll probably have to call or e-mail them and say something like this:
Hey friend! Just wanted to remind you that you're three months behind on the car payment. According to my records, you still owe me $2000. I know things are tight so I'm willing to work with you on this. We can change the monthly payment or when it's due if you need. Let's talk about it.
Adjust as needed to fit your particular situation. But do try to be flexible if you can. Of course, things may be just as tight for you, so you may need to be a little more firm:
Hey friend! Just a reminder that you still owe me $500 for your share of Jill's bachelorette party. That's $200 for the hotel, $100 for dinner, $100 for the limo, and $100 for the sexy fireman. Let me know if your math is different. Either way, we had agreed you'd pay on the 10th and it's now the 18th. Please get the funds to me ASAP! Thanks!
One important note: Keep the money dispute between you and the friend in question. Please do not drag it out at group gatherings. I once witnessed a very messy friendship-breakup over money where they kept bringing it up at social gatherings until they had to be asked not to. That's an awkward situation for everyone involved.
That's it for this week! Remember that you can E-Mail Me if you'd like your own Politely Worded way of handling your problems.
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