Lipstick Etiquette

Hello Polite Readers!

Today I am answering a letter about lipstick etiquette, which is slightly outside of the original concept of this blog, but there's a couple opportunities for polite wording, and besides, it's nice to get a letter! So let's get to it:

What is "lipstick etiquette"? I'm trying to wear lipstick more, but now I don't know what to do when it needs touch ups. Do I always excuse myself and find a ladies room or just pull out a compact? Do I wipe it off before eating or let it get on the silverware? Can I touch it up at the table? What if I try to fake-kiss a cheek but end up making contact and leaving a big lip-mark? Etc.

So. The truth is that I really hate lipstick and if I hadn't become a dancer I probably never would have started to wear it. Early in my career, if I wasn't specifically told that I had to wear red lipstick, I would wear a sparkly gloss instead and even then I wouldn't put it on until right before I went on-stage, and in fact some times I would forget to put it on at all and go out with bare lips. Oh, the shame.

The more I have to do my makeup nicely to dance, the more I've explored my options and I've discovered that not all lipsticks are created equal. So the first step to avoiding a lipstick faux pas is to find one that you really like and are comfortable wearing. Look for something that isn't too sticky or goopy, doesn't tend to wander around your face, and doesn't dry your lips out. Using a conditioner or primer before you apply can help, and makeup setting spray might keep it from coming off. Of course it's expensive to buy a bunch of lipsticks to try, so I recommend going down to your favorite cosmetics store, getting some brand recommendations, and having them apply the one you like best and then you can wear it all day and see how it holds up before making a decision.

Personally I prefer to avoid actual lipstick and go with lip tar. It's my new obsession. Some people also like lip stains. Both of these products are less prone to transfering onto silverware, wine glasses and friends' cheeks. I've personally found that the one stain I've tried dries my lips out like crazy, but your mileage may very. Also, matte lipsticks can be more reliable than shiny ones. So there you go. If you go with an actual lipstick, blotting it after applying will help avoid as much transference onto the things around you.

Now to address each question:

1. Personally, I don't like to touch up my makeup at the dinner table, it feels a little gauche and unsanitary. I don't want food in my makeup or makeup in my food, and I think it sends a weird message to the people you're with, similar to playing with your phone. Do a quick compact-check and if you need a touch-up, excuse yourself.

2. Don't wipe it off before eating, it's so hard to just remove your lipstick without messing up the rest of your face, and if you're anything like me, you'll end up with weird bits of color stuck in little creases in your lip. If you're wearing a good product and you've blotted, you shouldn't have too much trouble with it coming off on silverware.

3. You probably won't leave marks on someone's face, but if you do, simply have a tissue or handkerchief (clean of course!) to dab it off with. Brush it off with a simple "So sorry, I left a mark!"

And a little Politely Worded tip? Watch out for your fellow ladies, especially dancers. If you see that someone has a smudge, or needs a touch-up, or has lipstick on her teeth, please take her aside and let her know! No one wants to go on stage with messy lipstick, or walk around a party with red teeth. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just a quiet "Oh, you might want to touch up your lips real quick." Saves everyone a lot of embarrassment!

If you have your own etiquette questions, please e-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!

Sporadic Updates

Hello Polite Readers!

For the foreseeable future, I will only be updating this blog when I actually have received letters or topic requests. I would like to keep things up and running, so if you have something you'd like to see me write about, please either leave a comment on this post or write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com. I hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,
-AJ

Cover-ups and Intros

Hello Polite Readers!

Yes, we're still talking about dance, but this week it's dealing with dancers rather than audience members. The amazing Miz Becka Bomb, emcee extraordinaire, best audience member ever and dedicated ATS dancer has asked me to share some words about cover-ups and intros (I'll be writing separate blogs on both these topics with advice for dancers on my dance blog. Check the links at the bottom of this post).

First, let's talk about how to get your dancers to wear their cover-ups! For those of you who aren't in the bellydance community, it's considered proper etiquette to wear something over your costume when you're not on stage, so as not to distract from the dancers who are currently performing. Sometimes a dancer forgets to cover up, or hasn't been told this etiquette rule, or thinks she can skip it this one time because it's so hot in the studio. What's an event organizer or stage manager to do?

Try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. When you send out your pre-show e-mail with all of those important details, say something like "I know you're all going to watch the rest of the show! We'll have some seats saved in the back row so you can slip in and out easily. Make sure to bring your cover-up so your sparkles won't be a distraction!"

On the day of the show, you may want to have a couple of extra (opaque) veils or sarongs on hand for those performers who forgot their cover-up. It's happened to all of us at least once, I'm sure, you have to repack your dance-bag last minute and you accidentally leave that cover-up out, or you go to pack it and realize it has a huge stain from your last show, when that waiter tripped and spilled baba ganoush all down your back.

If you know that a certain dancer has a reputation for not bothering to cover-up, you may need to either keep an eye out, or task a helper with watching, so that when she goes and sits down in the middle of the audience in all her spangled glory, you can tap her on the shoulder and say "Oh honey, you forgot to cover up! Do you need a spare?" (Snarky AJ suggests that you make sure she gets the ugliest of the back-up cover-ups.)

Now, what about intros? It's weird, you'd think dancers would have an easy time talking about themselves, but sometimes getting an intro can be like pulling teeth. I've witnessed a lot of performers writing their intro hastily in the dressing room, on a Kleenex with an eyeliner pencil (ok, I exaggerate, only a little). I've also seen them tell the emcee to just "make something up." Hey, the emcee has enough work to do keeping the crowd entertained, they don't also need to try to come up with some fun facts about you.

And then there's the opposite problem, the dancer who copy and pastes their two page long bio from their website. Look. No one wants to read that on stage. No one wants to sit through that. Your intro should not rival your performance in length. And it makes for a truly awful YouTube viewing experience. People have short attention spans and will click through to the next video when they get bored.

So, when you send out that pre-show e-mail, give your performers some guidelines. Say "When you send me your music, please also include a brief (no more than three sentences) intro for your piece. Don't forget to include your name and your website so the audience can find you later!" When someone inevitably sends their music sans intro, respond back with a reminder! If they still don't send you one after that, then they are going to have to live with "Please welcome to the stage Oven Mitts in Space!"

What about the dancer who sends her entire CV? Respond back with "Oh, I'm sorry, I really need this to be only three sentences long. We've got to keep the intros brief so the show doesn't run late! Please get back to me with a shortened version." If she doesn't, do your own quick edit. "Lady Sparklepants dances and teaches in Walla Walla. She is also the director of Oven Mitts in Space. You can learn more about her at www dot sparkliest pants dot com."

If you know you've got some newbie dancers in your show who might not have any experience writing their own intro and are probably super-nervous about it, you may want to include a short example bio in your e-mail, or a link to a handy article on writing one.

Dancers, if you want help with cover ups and intros, here's the applicable blog posts:
Wear Your Cover-Ups
-and-
On Writing a Good Intro

Do you have a question, or a problem you'd like to see addressed? Send it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in an upcoming column!

Theater and Live Performance Etiquette

Hello Polite Readers!

Earlier this month I had the pleasure of attending a large dance festival and watching a whole lot of bellydance. It was a wonderful time, but it was slightly tainted by the horrible behavior of some of my fellow audience members. And I've noticed a lot of bad behavior at the movie theater and other entertainment venues. So this week I'd like to address some of the things I've seen, and the best polite way to point them out to the offenders.

1. Taking up more than your fair share of space. My main annoyance at the show was a man who was sitting directly in front of me. He kept stretching his legs forward, pushing his seat back and leaning back, sprawling in all directions. Eventually his chair was shoved against my knees and his head was well inside my bubble of personal space. Similar problems I've previously experienced have been people who lean way over a shared arm rest, or people who are taking up an extra seat with their belongings.

Solution: "Excuse me, could you please scoot your seat forward/move your bags/give me a little space?" I did ask this of another person at the show who pushed her chair back into my knees and she politely obliged.

2. Carrying on a conversation during a performance. So rude and distracting, and think of how badly it's going to reflect on you if someone catches it on their video, or if loved ones of the performers are nearby and can see/hear that you care so little about what's on stage or screen that you're talking through it. If you're not interested in a performance, take that time to go stretch your legs.

Solution: I actually usually don't address people like this because I feel like it will make more of a distraction. But if they're getting really loud, you can say "Excuse me, could you talk a little more quietly? I'm really enjoying this piece."

3. Making a mess. Ugh. One reason why I don't go to the movies very often anymore is I can't stand to see popcorn and soda spilled everywhere. It's disgusting how much trash people leave behind! Likewise, at the live show I was at, many people left their food and drink refuse under their chairs rather than taking it with them when they left, leaving the people who were there at the end of the night to clean up after them.

Solution: Smile sweetly and say "Oh, don't forget to take your plate to the trash!"

4. Moving around during the show. Obviously if there's no break during the show and you have to get up for some reason during the performance, there's not much you can do. But in a variety show with an emcee announcing each act, is it really so hard to wait 5 minutes for the next chance to get up? I got really tired of having to stand up and let people in and out of the aisle during really amazing performances.

Solution: Not much you can do when they're looming over you, sadly.

5. Blocking everyone else's view of the show with your camera/phone/tablet. Ok, look. One of two things is true in this situation: either video and photos are not allowed, so you shouldn't be taking them, or video and photos are allowed, so pros will be doing a much better job of it than you are. Want to snap a quick picture of your favorite performer as she takes the stage? Go for it. A lot of dance performances start out with a beautiful walk or pose to make it easy for you. But don't hold up your unholy phone-tablet hybrid (about the size of a paperback book, for pity's sake) and film the entire performance. Or several performances in a row. When the only way I can see what is going on on stage is through the screen on your device, something is wrong.

Solution: I actually saw some ladies a few seats down from me take action. They started tapping people on the shoulder and saying "Please put that down, you're blocking everyone's view" and things along those lines. I wanted to high-five them so hard.

Don't forget that in some situations, you may be able to enlist an usher or other employee to help you deal with especially offensive people. I generally think it's best to try to handle it yourself first, but if your polite entreaties don't work, or if you feel like the person in question is not just offensive but possibly unbalanced and dangerous, don't be afraid to get help. Remember that whatever event you are at, you probably paid money to be there and you deserve to enjoy the show. Don't let the boors of the world take that away from you!

Do you have a question for me? Please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!

I don't want to talk about it, but I kind of do

Hello Polite Readers!

This week's topic is a request from an anonymous friend. The issue is how to handle controversial areas of your life (work, hobbies, politics, religion) when they come up in mixed company and you know they might not be well-received. It can be really awkward when you don't want to seem like you're hiding something or that you're ashamed of yourself, but by the same token, you don't want to bring down the tone of an event by going into details.

I think there are two basic ways to handle this, and you can use them individually or combine them. One is to describe what you do in accurate but vague terms, and the other is to ask the person about themselves instead.

Let's use something from my own life as an example. I am a belly dancer. I'm not ashamed of it in any way, and I'm lucky to live in a city where it seems like most people are already pretty familiar with belly dance, have an accurate picture of what it is, and think it's really cool. But it's entirely possible that I could find myself in a situation where I wouldn't want to talk about it. Maybe I'm visiting family in a more conservative area, or I'm talking with a guy who's a real creep and I don't want him to imagine me in my bra. So if someone asks me what I do, I might say "Oh, I dance and I make jewelry. Did you see my Mom's necklace? I made that last week." By putting more emphasis on the jewelry-making aspect of my life, I've subtly shifted their attention away from the thing I don't want to tell them about (I do undulations with my belly! and sometimes people give me money!). You can use this in a lot of different ways. They ask about your job and you're a telemarketer? "I work in sales but work was really rough today and I don't want to think about it for another minute! I just can't wait until I get to go hiking this weekend." Someone wants your opinion on a divisive bit of legislature? "I haven't finished reading up about it. What do you think about <far less controversial issue>?"

You can see that I am already segueing into "Ask them about themselves." People love to talk about themselves. I'm a natural introvert and even I've had conversations that I've looked back on and realized that someone asked me about something I was passionate about and I gushed on and on and on about it without ever thinking to ask them a thing about themselves. So if I want to redirect someone from my belly-barin' ways, I might say "Oh, I dance. How about you? I see you're wearing a bike chain bracelet. Are you a cyclist?" Later on they might look back and realize that they never got to ask me what style of dance I do, because they were too busy talking about their favorite bike path. Success!

If you want to tell someone about it, but it's not the right time or place (for instance, you want to tell this awesome lady you just met about bellydance class, but not in front of the creepy guy who keeps trying to buy you both drinks), try to come up with a good excuse to talk about it later, ie "I'd love to tell you more about my dancing but it would be better if I showed you! Can I send you the link to my YouTube channel?"

If you want to gauge someone's reaction to what you do to decide if they might be cool with it, try using some comparisons. I might ask someone if they've seen certain local dance groups, and use that to judge how they feel about dance in general. If they respond positively, I can say how my work compares to theirs. If they respond negatively, I can shrug and say "You might not be into my style either, then."

I hope this helps you all navigate the tricky waters of socializing in mixed company! If you have your own awkward situation you need help with, please e-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.

TMI-Land

Hello Polite Readers!

We have a first today... A topic request from my husband! I could have just given him my advice in person, but I'm sure it's a subject many of us encounter far too often. The issue is, how do you deal with people who keep telling you things that you don't need or want to hear?

It's an all-too-common problem. Whether it's the friend on Facebook who posts the gross details of their medical problems, or the person who won't stop telling you about their relationship problems (even though you're friends with both halves of the couple), or the person who has to tell you every. single. thing. they did that day despite the fact that you're behind them in line at the grocery store and couldn't care less about their life. Some of us seem to just attract this sort of person no matter what we do (I say "us" and "we" even though I have perfected the "leave me alone" vibe).

One simple catch-all phrase for people who are getting way too personal is "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with you telling me this." It also works well for gossip! Rather than attacking the person who is saying it, or the content of what they're saying, it puts it all on you... for whatever reason, you're not comfortable. You can elaborate if you wish, ie "I have a really sensitive stomach and hearing about your nausea is making me feel sick" or "I love you and Jim both so I really can't be involved in your arguments, I'm sure you understand." It doesn't work as well for the stranger in line, because you can really only elaborate by saying "I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and also your breath smells like cheese."

Some people are chronic over-sharers and you may need to use stronger tactics with them. You may need to be a little blunt. "Friend, I don't feel like we're really close enough for me to advise you on your marriage/diagnose your condition based on a Facebook photo/help you navigate your tricky family dynamics." This may prove difficult if you've been in the habit of helping them before, because they'll have come to expect it. It can take a while to retrain people to not see you as their personal therapist. You can soften the blow by offering them an alternative source of help (a counselor, a doctor, whatever), but make sure you're also polite in how you suggest they need professional help. "You're too crazy for me" is harsh. "I think this is a bigger problem than just a friend can solve, have you considered seeing a therapist?" is better.

If they insist on continuing the conversation even after you've said you're not comfortable with it, or they change the topic for a minute only to segue back to it, end the conversation! Either make a polite excuse about how you have to go, or if you're really trying to drive home the point, say "It's clear that this is dominating your thoughts. Since I can't help you with it, I'm going to let you find someone who can. Talk with you later." Don't let anyone force you to have a conversation that you neither need nor want to be part of.

Do you have an awkward situation that you need help with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com!

Don't Interrupt Me!

Hello Polite Readers!

Before I discuss today's topic, I'd just like to mention that it is my birthday! Hooray! If you're in a generous mood and want to give me a present, I'd love it if you'd share this blog on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mail it to a friend. Help me get the word out!

Now, on with the column! One of my loyal readers asked me for advice on a topic that she and a friend were griping about, and that is people interrupting you when you're in the middle of something important. Of course, important can range from working at your home office, or reading the crucial last few pages of a really good book, or putting the finishing touches on a really intricate art project. Anything where you are really in the zone and that interruption just pulls you right out and you want to just PUNCH the person who did it.

Sometimes I have to do a little mental roleplay to put myself in the shoes of my writer when dealing with a subject I have little experience with, but not this time. You see, my husband and I both work from home and we share an office. We have pretty different ways of doing things. He is a master multitasker and has no trouble working, carrying on conversations in several different IM programs, looking something up on Wikipedia, listening to music and eating lunch all at once. I, on the other hand, need to be really focused if I'm doing anything like reading or writing (although when I say "really focused" I usually mean that I read or write a paragraph and then switch over to see what is going on in my Facebook tab, but I'm really focused, honestly). I cannot stand to be interrupted to look at the pretty beetle he just found a picture of on a blog, even though I love beetles. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried "Leave me alone I'm trying to write a blog!!!" Likewise, forget going to a cafe to read a book... as soon as someone sits down next to me and starts talking, my focus is shot.

So, the most important thing to do is set boundaries.When it comes to your co-workers, spouse, housemates or kids, let them know what the rules are. For instance, when you work from home, make sure everyone knows what your hours are when you have to be on the clock and they can't just call to chat. If you share an office, perhaps having your headphones on can serve as a sign that you're doing something really important or involved. And for the avid reader, just tell everyone that as long as your nose is in a book, you are not to be spoken to. Obviously emergencies arise and can serve as exceptions, and you may have to train those around you as what counts as a real emergency, but this should help a lot. My husband now knows that if I am writing or reading something, he has to wait to ask me questions or show me things on his computer.

For spouses, kids, and housemates, you might also have an open/closed door policy. Growing up, I knew if my parents' bedroom door was closed, I wasn't supposed to bother them unless it was an emergency. For shared rooms, you could have some sort of other visible cue, like "If this teddy bear is sitting on my desk, I'm working. If he's sitting on the couch, we can chat."

When approached and interrupted by people who don't know the rules, or by those who should know better but are misbehaving, you can fall back on some simple stock phrases.

"Sorry, I'm on the clock. I have a break coming up in an hour, we can talk then."

"I'm almost done! Let me finish this chapter first."

"Hey, can you wait a minute? I'm really involved in this."

"I really need to focus. Let me get back to you when I'm done with this."

And above all, stand firm! Don't be afraid to say "I can't talk right now." You do not always have to be at everyone's disposal, you do not have to drop everything because your roommate wants to tell you about the funny thing that happened while she was at the store (it always turns out to not be that funny anyway). And remember that unless you politely spell out when you need to be left alone, the people who are interrupting you are not going to know they're doing anything wrong, and they'll think you're getting annoyed for no reason. Just spell out when you need to be allowed to concentrate, and they should understand.

Got a tricky situation of your own to deal with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column!