Hello Polite Readers!
We're going to talk about gift-receiving etiquette again. This week's topic comes courtesy of my husband, who was curious about my opinion on this and thought it would be good blog fodder. Thanks love! So the question is: What do you do when someone gives you a gift that you know comes from a shop you don't like? There's no one blanket answer for this, so let me break it down into a few examples of possible situations.
1. The item is offered to you casually, rather than as a hand-picked gift for your birthday or a holiday, ie, "I got a great deal on these at the store, would you like one?" In this case, you can gracefully say "Oh, no thank you" without getting into why.
2. The item was chosen specifically for you and is given at a group gathering, but comes from a store you have a mild objection to. Say "Thank you" and try not to think about the source. Perhaps make some use of it in order to make the gift-giver happy, then quietly donate it to the thrift shop a few months down the road.
3. As above, but the gift comes from someplace you have a strong objection to, like the gift store that donates all proceeds to Puppy Kickers International. As above, say thank you, but at some later date take the gift-giver aside and say "I know you picked that scarf because it brings out the green in my eyes, but were you aware that Kicks Ahoy is associated with PKI? You know that as a dog lover I just can't stand those guys. I hope you don't shop there anymore!" Again, donate the offending object and if you're feeling really bad, donate some money to a group that fights puppy kicking.
Remember that no matter what, it's the thought that counts. So if the person KNOWS that you hate PKI and they bought an "I Kick Puppies" t-shirt for you anyway, you don't even have to pretend. Fall back on the "Oh, you shouldn't have" and then throw that thing away as soon as you get home. Just don't make a scene at the party, because that's awkward for everyone else around you.
I think the best way to avoid this sort of situation is to be pretty clear about your opinions. If, for instance, you feel strongly about supporting the local economy and you love to patronize small coffee shops instead of large national chains, make that obvious. Occasionally check-in at your favorite local businesses. Talk about the delicious meal you had at that new restaurant. When you get complimented on your dress, mention that you purchased it at that cute downtown boutique. Share your political convictions, the causes that you care about, and your religious affiliations or lack thereof (all of this at whatever level you're most comfortable with). Of course you'll avoid being annoying or self-righteous about any of this, because you're so polite!
Once people have a pretty good read on you, it will be less likely that they'll give you a gift that you find morally objectionable. As a non-moralistic example, I love the color green. I make it clear by wearing lots of green, having a Pinterest board dedicated to green, using a green color scheme on my blogs, etc etc etc. As such, whenever people want to buy me a gift, they tend to buy something that is green if possible. There are even people who have certain shades that they now associate as "AJ Green" which makes me ridiculously pleased.
Dear readers, have you navigated this problem before? If so, how have you handled it?
I am waiting for YOUR letters. Write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in my next column.
Showing posts with label awkward situations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awkward situations. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
TMI-Land
Hello Polite Readers!
We have a first today... A topic request from my husband! I could have just given him my advice in person, but I'm sure it's a subject many of us encounter far too often. The issue is, how do you deal with people who keep telling you things that you don't need or want to hear?
It's an all-too-common problem. Whether it's the friend on Facebook who posts the gross details of their medical problems, or the person who won't stop telling you about their relationship problems (even though you're friends with both halves of the couple), or the person who has to tell you every. single. thing. they did that day despite the fact that you're behind them in line at the grocery store and couldn't care less about their life. Some of us seem to just attract this sort of person no matter what we do (I say "us" and "we" even though I have perfected the "leave me alone" vibe).
One simple catch-all phrase for people who are getting way too personal is "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with you telling me this." It also works well for gossip! Rather than attacking the person who is saying it, or the content of what they're saying, it puts it all on you... for whatever reason, you're not comfortable. You can elaborate if you wish, ie "I have a really sensitive stomach and hearing about your nausea is making me feel sick" or "I love you and Jim both so I really can't be involved in your arguments, I'm sure you understand." It doesn't work as well for the stranger in line, because you can really only elaborate by saying "I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and also your breath smells like cheese."
Some people are chronic over-sharers and you may need to use stronger tactics with them. You may need to be a little blunt. "Friend, I don't feel like we're really close enough for me to advise you on your marriage/diagnose your condition based on a Facebook photo/help you navigate your tricky family dynamics." This may prove difficult if you've been in the habit of helping them before, because they'll have come to expect it. It can take a while to retrain people to not see you as their personal therapist. You can soften the blow by offering them an alternative source of help (a counselor, a doctor, whatever), but make sure you're also polite in how you suggest they need professional help. "You're too crazy for me" is harsh. "I think this is a bigger problem than just a friend can solve, have you considered seeing a therapist?" is better.
If they insist on continuing the conversation even after you've said you're not comfortable with it, or they change the topic for a minute only to segue back to it, end the conversation! Either make a polite excuse about how you have to go, or if you're really trying to drive home the point, say "It's clear that this is dominating your thoughts. Since I can't help you with it, I'm going to let you find someone who can. Talk with you later." Don't let anyone force you to have a conversation that you neither need nor want to be part of.
Do you have an awkward situation that you need help with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com!
We have a first today... A topic request from my husband! I could have just given him my advice in person, but I'm sure it's a subject many of us encounter far too often. The issue is, how do you deal with people who keep telling you things that you don't need or want to hear?
It's an all-too-common problem. Whether it's the friend on Facebook who posts the gross details of their medical problems, or the person who won't stop telling you about their relationship problems (even though you're friends with both halves of the couple), or the person who has to tell you every. single. thing. they did that day despite the fact that you're behind them in line at the grocery store and couldn't care less about their life. Some of us seem to just attract this sort of person no matter what we do (I say "us" and "we" even though I have perfected the "leave me alone" vibe).
One simple catch-all phrase for people who are getting way too personal is "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable with you telling me this." It also works well for gossip! Rather than attacking the person who is saying it, or the content of what they're saying, it puts it all on you... for whatever reason, you're not comfortable. You can elaborate if you wish, ie "I have a really sensitive stomach and hearing about your nausea is making me feel sick" or "I love you and Jim both so I really can't be involved in your arguments, I'm sure you understand." It doesn't work as well for the stranger in line, because you can really only elaborate by saying "I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and also your breath smells like cheese."
Some people are chronic over-sharers and you may need to use stronger tactics with them. You may need to be a little blunt. "Friend, I don't feel like we're really close enough for me to advise you on your marriage/diagnose your condition based on a Facebook photo/help you navigate your tricky family dynamics." This may prove difficult if you've been in the habit of helping them before, because they'll have come to expect it. It can take a while to retrain people to not see you as their personal therapist. You can soften the blow by offering them an alternative source of help (a counselor, a doctor, whatever), but make sure you're also polite in how you suggest they need professional help. "You're too crazy for me" is harsh. "I think this is a bigger problem than just a friend can solve, have you considered seeing a therapist?" is better.
If they insist on continuing the conversation even after you've said you're not comfortable with it, or they change the topic for a minute only to segue back to it, end the conversation! Either make a polite excuse about how you have to go, or if you're really trying to drive home the point, say "It's clear that this is dominating your thoughts. Since I can't help you with it, I'm going to let you find someone who can. Talk with you later." Don't let anyone force you to have a conversation that you neither need nor want to be part of.
Do you have an awkward situation that you need help with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Back off, he's mine!
Hello Polite Readers,
This week's topic is a doozy. What do you do when you're in a committed relationship, and a friend who you both socialize with clearly has a crush on your mate? Of course our natural reaction is to say something along the lines of the title of this post. "Back off!" or "Get your own man!" but that's not really polite, now is it? But you want to say or do something, because inaction can seem like approval.
Relationship advice isn't really my specialty, so I'm going to suggest that if you're worried about setting boundaries with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that you go seek out someone who really knows their stuff. This will be all about handling the crusher.
Example 1: The Serial Crusher
This person develops a crush on just about anyone that shows attention to them and is of the gender they find attractive, regardless of how much they have in common or whether the crushee has done anything to encourage them. They may maintain simultaneous crushes on every applicable person in their vicinity, or they may bounce from dreamboat to dreamboat. Either way, don't stress much about this person because it's not personal and they probably won't do anything more than flirt shamelessly. At some point, you or your SO may need to say "Oh hey, not interested" but otherwise if you both ignore the flirtation and the crushee doesn't flirt back, it should die down.
Example 2: The One Who Flat-Out Admits It
Is there anything ickier than when someone tells you that your spouse is so hot that they rate right along this person's celebrity crush? I mean sure, it's a compliment to your ability to land a hot mate (I guess?), but when that person always talks about their fantasies about said celebrity crush, you really don't want to think about them having similar thoughts about your spouse. When someone says something like this to you, I would not at all blame you if you say something along the lines of "Ha ha, yeah, I'm glad he's mine." Put a slight emphasis on the mine even. Or if applicable, say, "Yeah, but Hunky McHunkerson is actually single" while leaving the "and my man isn't" silently hanging there.
Example 3: The One Who Wants You Both
Another awkward situation for the strictly monogamous couple is when you realize that a single friend or another couple is trying to broach the subject of a three-way or partner swap. If they're being subtle about it, be equally subtle by casually mentioning how you're not at all bisexual, or how you're amazed that such-and-such is successfully managing an open relationship, because you can't imagine being with anyone other than your spouse right now. If they bring it up outright, let them down gently, because you're still friends after all. "Ewwww no, that's gross" is not appropriate. A small smile and something along the lines of "We're flattered, but that's not the sort of relationship we want to have" and then change the subject.
Side note: This advice assumes that you're not into it. If you are, that's another one where you'll want to seek out the advice of an actual expert on how to do it right.
Example 4: The One Who Thinks They're Totally Subtle
This person doesn't do anything as blatant as sending you texts about how hot your spouse is. They didn't drunkenly kiss your boyfriend on New Year's Eve and then claim not to remember it the next day. But it's still obvious that they're crushing on your mate, because somehow at every party they end up sitting next to him or her. There's constant IM or FB conversations, not about anything sexual, but with a certain level of emotional intimacy. They bring little presents for your spouse, remember their birthday and favorite color. While the crush may have originally been fostered by some shared interests, now they're suddenly into his favorite band, her favorite TV show, and reading all the same books.
This is the most annoying thing, because if you complain, suddenly you're the unreasonable, jealous one. After all, nothing is actually happening, and don't you trust their mate? YOU have opposite-sex friends, why can't they? Ugh. You're left to either pretend you're fine with a situation that makes you uncomfortable and wait for it to inevitably fall apart one way or another, or you get to look like the bad guy when you "force" your spouse to dial-back the friendship.
So what do you do? First you go find that good advice on dealing with your spouse, and you have a conversation about how s/he needs to set some boundaries with the crusher and they can't hang out alone together. Be prepared to hear all of the above things and more. It may turn into a fight. People don't like it when they think they're being told who they can and cannot be friends with, even if they don't return the crush and you aren't saying they can't be friends, you're just saying dial it back a notch.
Next, talk with the crusher. Don't be accusatory, give them the benefit of the doubt. "I'm sure you don't mean it that way but lately some of your behavior towards Lee has been pretty flirtatious and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea." I mean gosh, wouldn't it be so embarrassing if someone else noticed and came to you to warn you that your SO might be cheating? Let that idea sink in.
At times, it may be possible and appropriate to re-direct, too. Maybe the person crushing on your SO is lonely and really drawn to people like your partner, and maybe you guys just happen to have another friend who is single and shares a lot of the same qualities that makes your mate so attractive. Have a big party. Invite them both. Let them know that they both love Battlestar Galactica. Maybe sparks will fly! Or maybe it will at least remind the crusher that there are other fish in the sea, and they shouldn't go after one who has already been hooked.
Do you have an awkward situation you need help addressing? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in one of my upcoming columns!
This week's topic is a doozy. What do you do when you're in a committed relationship, and a friend who you both socialize with clearly has a crush on your mate? Of course our natural reaction is to say something along the lines of the title of this post. "Back off!" or "Get your own man!" but that's not really polite, now is it? But you want to say or do something, because inaction can seem like approval.
Relationship advice isn't really my specialty, so I'm going to suggest that if you're worried about setting boundaries with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that you go seek out someone who really knows their stuff. This will be all about handling the crusher.
Example 1: The Serial Crusher
This person develops a crush on just about anyone that shows attention to them and is of the gender they find attractive, regardless of how much they have in common or whether the crushee has done anything to encourage them. They may maintain simultaneous crushes on every applicable person in their vicinity, or they may bounce from dreamboat to dreamboat. Either way, don't stress much about this person because it's not personal and they probably won't do anything more than flirt shamelessly. At some point, you or your SO may need to say "Oh hey, not interested" but otherwise if you both ignore the flirtation and the crushee doesn't flirt back, it should die down.
Example 2: The One Who Flat-Out Admits It
Is there anything ickier than when someone tells you that your spouse is so hot that they rate right along this person's celebrity crush? I mean sure, it's a compliment to your ability to land a hot mate (I guess?), but when that person always talks about their fantasies about said celebrity crush, you really don't want to think about them having similar thoughts about your spouse. When someone says something like this to you, I would not at all blame you if you say something along the lines of "Ha ha, yeah, I'm glad he's mine." Put a slight emphasis on the mine even. Or if applicable, say, "Yeah, but Hunky McHunkerson is actually single" while leaving the "and my man isn't" silently hanging there.
Example 3: The One Who Wants You Both
Another awkward situation for the strictly monogamous couple is when you realize that a single friend or another couple is trying to broach the subject of a three-way or partner swap. If they're being subtle about it, be equally subtle by casually mentioning how you're not at all bisexual, or how you're amazed that such-and-such is successfully managing an open relationship, because you can't imagine being with anyone other than your spouse right now. If they bring it up outright, let them down gently, because you're still friends after all. "Ewwww no, that's gross" is not appropriate. A small smile and something along the lines of "We're flattered, but that's not the sort of relationship we want to have" and then change the subject.
Side note: This advice assumes that you're not into it. If you are, that's another one where you'll want to seek out the advice of an actual expert on how to do it right.
Example 4: The One Who Thinks They're Totally Subtle
This person doesn't do anything as blatant as sending you texts about how hot your spouse is. They didn't drunkenly kiss your boyfriend on New Year's Eve and then claim not to remember it the next day. But it's still obvious that they're crushing on your mate, because somehow at every party they end up sitting next to him or her. There's constant IM or FB conversations, not about anything sexual, but with a certain level of emotional intimacy. They bring little presents for your spouse, remember their birthday and favorite color. While the crush may have originally been fostered by some shared interests, now they're suddenly into his favorite band, her favorite TV show, and reading all the same books.
This is the most annoying thing, because if you complain, suddenly you're the unreasonable, jealous one. After all, nothing is actually happening, and don't you trust their mate? YOU have opposite-sex friends, why can't they? Ugh. You're left to either pretend you're fine with a situation that makes you uncomfortable and wait for it to inevitably fall apart one way or another, or you get to look like the bad guy when you "force" your spouse to dial-back the friendship.
So what do you do? First you go find that good advice on dealing with your spouse, and you have a conversation about how s/he needs to set some boundaries with the crusher and they can't hang out alone together. Be prepared to hear all of the above things and more. It may turn into a fight. People don't like it when they think they're being told who they can and cannot be friends with, even if they don't return the crush and you aren't saying they can't be friends, you're just saying dial it back a notch.
Next, talk with the crusher. Don't be accusatory, give them the benefit of the doubt. "I'm sure you don't mean it that way but lately some of your behavior towards Lee has been pretty flirtatious and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea." I mean gosh, wouldn't it be so embarrassing if someone else noticed and came to you to warn you that your SO might be cheating? Let that idea sink in.
At times, it may be possible and appropriate to re-direct, too. Maybe the person crushing on your SO is lonely and really drawn to people like your partner, and maybe you guys just happen to have another friend who is single and shares a lot of the same qualities that makes your mate so attractive. Have a big party. Invite them both. Let them know that they both love Battlestar Galactica. Maybe sparks will fly! Or maybe it will at least remind the crusher that there are other fish in the sea, and they shouldn't go after one who has already been hooked.
Do you have an awkward situation you need help addressing? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in one of my upcoming columns!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Fragile Friends
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's letter comes from a dance friend and has some dance-related issues in it, but at its heart it's about how to deal with a very specific type of person that we've almost all encountered before. Read on:
Oh my oh my. Well, I have to admit that I identify with your student in one specific area. I, too, have a certain amount of insecurity about being excluded in my dance community. I once found myself crying in my car because I couldn't find the house we were supposed to have a troupe party at due to a problem with Bing maps, and no one was answering my text messages asking for directions. I convinced myself that they were ignoring me on purpose and didn't want me at the party after all. Of course, when I finally managed to pull the address up on a different map program and made my way there, everyone was happy to see me and they just hadn't heard their phones over the chatter.
When you're socially awkward, it's really easy to work yourself into a tizzy over stupid little things like that. What I've done, and what your student needs to do, is to be aware of the tendency to do that and to catch myself before I go into a death spiral. When I get stood up for a lunch date, instead of immediately thinking "Everyone hates me! Waaaa!" I think about all the more likely reasons. Maybe their car broke down, they wrote the date wrong on their calendar, there was a sudden family emergency. Because you know what? If someone really hated me, they wouldn't invite me out to lunch, so clearly there's some other more logical reason keeping them from meeting me.
You bring up three problems with your student, and each of them could be a PW column on their own, but I'll try to address each of them here.
1. Your student wants to make friends but is really bad at it, because she thinks over-sharing builds closeness when really it scares people off.
Can you meet her for coffee? If not, a nice e-mail or phone call may be necessary for talking about this and also the next issue. Be very careful and positive with your wording -- I say this not just because she's on the autism spectrum, I'd say it about someone who was just a drama queen, too. Start out focusing on her good qualities so she doesn't immediately get defensive and interrupt you. Say something like:
2. Your student immediately assumes she was purposefully excluded when she has the wrong date for an event.
One way to prevent this without having to talk to her about it is to try to avoid date confusion in the future. If you don't already, make sure to provide upcoming event dates on a Google calender or in e-mail or as Facebook events. It's easier to remember a date and put it correctly in your personal calendar when you see it written down rather than hearing it. Provide several reminders as an event draws closer... Mention it in class, send out an extra e-mail, send a group text message. Maybe use different media so whatever people check most often, they see it.
Then when you do talk to her, say something like this:
3. Your student has unrealistic expectations about her progress in dance class.
Well, it's not unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate class after a year of studying, if you've been practicing hard. It is unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate when you don't even have your posture right (I assume this means she's also still struggling with basic moves, too). Rather than bringing this up directly with her (because I want your meeting/e-mail to be mostly positive and solution-based), I'd bring this up in class in a general sense. Say something like this:
Edit as needed to fit your actual situation. This makes it clear that you have specific requirements to move up and that it's not about playing favorites. Of course, this means you have to stick to your requirements and not fudge them. As someone who has suffered through "intermediate" and "advanced" classes full of students asking questions about beginner moves, I strongly encourage you to stand your ground and not give in.
Your student may contact you to ask why she wasn't allowed to graduate and then you'll have to be honest with her. Point out the areas that she needs work, and then offer suggestions for what she can do. If you offer private lessons, suggest that she take one so you can more closely examine what is wrong with her posture and why she's struggling with certain moves. Suggest specific DVDs, YouTube tutorials or Datura Online videos that she can drill along with at home. Maybe suggest which students she should watch and copy in class. Mention other good teachers in the area that she can get some extra training from, if applicable.
But I suspect your problem will soon take care of itself. When she doesn't pass the intermediate test, she's probably going to either take it personally, or decide that bellydance is too hard and move on to the next would-be source of fulfillment. Of course, that could be my natural pessimism showing. I hope that for her sake and for yours that you can get through to her, and she takes this as inspiration to be a better friend and a better student, and works harder. Best of luck to you both.
Do you have an awkward situation of your own to deal with? Mail it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!
Today's letter comes from a dance friend and has some dance-related issues in it, but at its heart it's about how to deal with a very specific type of person that we've almost all encountered before. Read on:
I have a Politely Worded request: how/whether to tell someone she's being incredibly clingy. The person I'm thinking of is one of my bellydance students. She's desperately lonely and wants to make friends, but her idea of bonding is to share all the most horrible things that have ever happened to her (including telling near-strangers about being sexually abused) and text you ten times a day.
She's also paranoid about being excluded--one time, she was mistaken about the date of an event, and accused us of lying to her about the date so that we wouldn't have to invite her. On one hand, I feel bad for her; her social difficulties lie partly in the fact that she's on the autism spectrum. On the other hand, it's really very stressful to spend time with her. How can I be kind and yet avoid feeling resentful that she's trying to turn me into her mom?
Oh, and to make matter worse, she's fixated on passing the intermediate test as a sign of social acceptance, but I've been teaching her for most of a year, and she has yet to understand basic posture. wah!
Oh my oh my. Well, I have to admit that I identify with your student in one specific area. I, too, have a certain amount of insecurity about being excluded in my dance community. I once found myself crying in my car because I couldn't find the house we were supposed to have a troupe party at due to a problem with Bing maps, and no one was answering my text messages asking for directions. I convinced myself that they were ignoring me on purpose and didn't want me at the party after all. Of course, when I finally managed to pull the address up on a different map program and made my way there, everyone was happy to see me and they just hadn't heard their phones over the chatter.
When you're socially awkward, it's really easy to work yourself into a tizzy over stupid little things like that. What I've done, and what your student needs to do, is to be aware of the tendency to do that and to catch myself before I go into a death spiral. When I get stood up for a lunch date, instead of immediately thinking "Everyone hates me! Waaaa!" I think about all the more likely reasons. Maybe their car broke down, they wrote the date wrong on their calendar, there was a sudden family emergency. Because you know what? If someone really hated me, they wouldn't invite me out to lunch, so clearly there's some other more logical reason keeping them from meeting me.
You bring up three problems with your student, and each of them could be a PW column on their own, but I'll try to address each of them here.
1. Your student wants to make friends but is really bad at it, because she thinks over-sharing builds closeness when really it scares people off.
Can you meet her for coffee? If not, a nice e-mail or phone call may be necessary for talking about this and also the next issue. Be very careful and positive with your wording -- I say this not just because she's on the autism spectrum, I'd say it about someone who was just a drama queen, too. Start out focusing on her good qualities so she doesn't immediately get defensive and interrupt you. Say something like:
I just wanted to let you know that we're all really happy to have you in dance class. I love how dedicated you are to coming to class, attending events, and making new friends. I've noticed that you're really great about approaching the new students to befriend them! Can I just offer a bit of advice? I think you come on a little too strong with sharing personal details right away. Let people get to know you first! I think if you focus on talking about what you love about dance and what brought you to class and some of your other interests, it will help you and the newbies get to know each other so much more quickly.
2. Your student immediately assumes she was purposefully excluded when she has the wrong date for an event.
One way to prevent this without having to talk to her about it is to try to avoid date confusion in the future. If you don't already, make sure to provide upcoming event dates on a Google calender or in e-mail or as Facebook events. It's easier to remember a date and put it correctly in your personal calendar when you see it written down rather than hearing it. Provide several reminders as an event draws closer... Mention it in class, send out an extra e-mail, send a group text message. Maybe use different media so whatever people check most often, they see it.
Then when you do talk to her, say something like this:
I'm really sorry that you got so upset when you accidentally showed up for the hafla on the wrong day! I want you to know that we would never exclude you like that. In the future I'm going to make sure to be more clear about when things are happening, but if it happens again, please text me right away and I'll let you know what's going on.
3. Your student has unrealistic expectations about her progress in dance class.
Well, it's not unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate class after a year of studying, if you've been practicing hard. It is unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate when you don't even have your posture right (I assume this means she's also still struggling with basic moves, too). Rather than bringing this up directly with her (because I want your meeting/e-mail to be mostly positive and solution-based), I'd bring this up in class in a general sense. Say something like this:
Hey everyone, don't forget that we're starting a new intermediate session soon! I know some of you are interested in moving up. Remember that to be eligible for intermediate class you have to be comfortable cuing and leading <list of moves here>. The test will be held next Wednesday, so practice hard until then!
Edit as needed to fit your actual situation. This makes it clear that you have specific requirements to move up and that it's not about playing favorites. Of course, this means you have to stick to your requirements and not fudge them. As someone who has suffered through "intermediate" and "advanced" classes full of students asking questions about beginner moves, I strongly encourage you to stand your ground and not give in.
Your student may contact you to ask why she wasn't allowed to graduate and then you'll have to be honest with her. Point out the areas that she needs work, and then offer suggestions for what she can do. If you offer private lessons, suggest that she take one so you can more closely examine what is wrong with her posture and why she's struggling with certain moves. Suggest specific DVDs, YouTube tutorials or Datura Online videos that she can drill along with at home. Maybe suggest which students she should watch and copy in class. Mention other good teachers in the area that she can get some extra training from, if applicable.
But I suspect your problem will soon take care of itself. When she doesn't pass the intermediate test, she's probably going to either take it personally, or decide that bellydance is too hard and move on to the next would-be source of fulfillment. Of course, that could be my natural pessimism showing. I hope that for her sake and for yours that you can get through to her, and she takes this as inspiration to be a better friend and a better student, and works harder. Best of luck to you both.
Do you have an awkward situation of your own to deal with? Mail it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!
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