Hello Polite Readers!
Earlier this month I had the pleasure of attending a large dance festival and watching a whole lot of bellydance. It was a wonderful time, but it was slightly tainted by the horrible behavior of some of my fellow audience members. And I've noticed a lot of bad behavior at the movie theater and other entertainment venues. So this week I'd like to address some of the things I've seen, and the best polite way to point them out to the offenders.
1. Taking up more than your fair share of space. My main annoyance at the show was a man who was sitting directly in front of me. He kept stretching his legs forward, pushing his seat back and leaning back, sprawling in all directions. Eventually his chair was shoved against my knees and his head was well inside my bubble of personal space. Similar problems I've previously experienced have been people who lean way over a shared arm rest, or people who are taking up an extra seat with their belongings.
Solution: "Excuse me, could you please scoot your seat forward/move your bags/give me a little space?" I did ask this of another person at the show who pushed her chair back into my knees and she politely obliged.
2. Carrying on a conversation during a performance. So rude and distracting, and think of how badly it's going to reflect on you if someone catches it on their video, or if loved ones of the performers are nearby and can see/hear that you care so little about what's on stage or screen that you're talking through it. If you're not interested in a performance, take that time to go stretch your legs.
Solution: I actually usually don't address people like this because I feel like it will make more of a distraction. But if they're getting really loud, you can say "Excuse me, could you talk a little more quietly? I'm really enjoying this piece."
3. Making a mess. Ugh. One reason why I don't go to the movies very often anymore is I can't stand to see popcorn and soda spilled everywhere. It's disgusting how much trash people leave behind! Likewise, at the live show I was at, many people left their food and drink refuse under their chairs rather than taking it with them when they left, leaving the people who were there at the end of the night to clean up after them.
Solution: Smile sweetly and say "Oh, don't forget to take your plate to the trash!"
4. Moving around during the show. Obviously if there's no break during the show and you have to get up for some reason during the performance, there's not much you can do. But in a variety show with an emcee announcing each act, is it really so hard to wait 5 minutes for the next chance to get up? I got really tired of having to stand up and let people in and out of the aisle during really amazing performances.
Solution: Not much you can do when they're looming over you, sadly.
5. Blocking everyone else's view of the show with your camera/phone/tablet. Ok, look. One of two things is true in this situation: either video and photos are not allowed, so you shouldn't be taking them, or video and photos are allowed, so pros will be doing a much better job of it than you are. Want to snap a quick picture of your favorite performer as she takes the stage? Go for it. A lot of dance performances start out with a beautiful walk or pose to make it easy for you. But don't hold up your unholy phone-tablet hybrid (about the size of a paperback book, for pity's sake) and film the entire performance. Or several performances in a row. When the only way I can see what is going on on stage is through the screen on your device, something is wrong.
Solution: I actually saw some ladies a few seats down from me take action. They started tapping people on the shoulder and saying "Please put that down, you're blocking everyone's view" and things along those lines. I wanted to high-five them so hard.
Don't forget that in some situations, you may be able to enlist an usher or other employee to help you deal with especially offensive people. I generally think it's best to try to handle it yourself first, but if your polite entreaties don't work, or if you feel like the person in question is not just offensive but possibly unbalanced and dangerous, don't be afraid to get help. Remember that whatever event you are at, you probably paid money to be there and you deserve to enjoy the show. Don't let the boors of the world take that away from you!
Do you have a question for me? Please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!
Showing posts with label rudeness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rudeness. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Speak clearly, please
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's question comes courtesy of a friend, and it concerns phone etiquette. Read on:
My friend, you are starting out with the right idea, blaming the phone rather than the person's accent. My suggestion would be to shift the blame even further, to yourself. Say simply "I'm sorry, sometimes I have a really hard time understanding people over the phone. Could you speak more slowly?" Retain the apologetic tone that you've been using so far. Hopefully if you make it seem like you have a hearing problem (even if the "problem" is that the agent is talking at a mile a minute and there's all sorts of office background noise coming through the connection) and emphasize that you need them to talk more slowly, they won't resort to shouting.
If you still can't understand them, say something like "I'm so sorry, I still can't understand you. Your voice just isn't coming through well. Could you possibly transfer to someone else?" Hopefully they will understand that some people just can't hear some voices -- my husband has a voice like that, which tends to lead to a lot of mis-heard orders at restaurants. Good thing he's not a picky eater.
But what about when the agent gets snippy with you? Absolutely ask to be transferred to the manager right away! Summon your best icy politeness and say "I still can't understand you. Please transfer me to your supervisor." Then when you get the supervisor, calmly explain what happened and request to be helped by someone else.
In the case of being hung up on (really? I know a lot of people who have worked in call centers and you're generally only allowed to hang up when the customer gets truly belligerent, as in cursing and making threats), you should call back and ask immediately to be transferred to a supervisor. Then provide the name of the employee who hung up on you! Hopefully your call will have been monitored for quality assurance (or whatever they call it) and they will have proof of how poorly you were treated.
The important thing is to stick to just the facts. While it would be very satisfying to say that you think the agent needs some "basic customer service skills" after being yelled at, you look so much better when you are the one calmly saying "All I did was ask her to repeat the product number I needed to order" and she's the one who hung up on you.
I hope this helps, and I hope that you don't encounter too many irrationally irritable customer service representatives any time soon!
Do you have a question that you'd like to see answered in this blog? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be one of my next letters!
Today's question comes courtesy of a friend, and it concerns phone etiquette. Read on:
I have a hard time understanding accents over the phone, to the point that I sometimes cannot even follow the conversation with customer service representatives. Usually, I claim that there is a bad phone connection, apologize, and ask if they could speak slower and louder for me. Some times, this works just fine--they are equally apologetic, speak slower, and we have a conversation. Other times, this just seems to annoy the phone rep who refuses to talk any slower and, instead, just starts yelling into my ear. If they are in a particularly bad mood, I get snapped at if I ask a second time to repeat themselves. Once, I was hung up on. At this point, I want to ask to be transferred to someone else in hopes I can understand them, but, as I have just claimed it was a poor phone, I don't know how to now say, "I cannot understand your Southern-belle slang coming at me at a hundred miles an hour, so please send me to someone who can speak the King's English. Oh, and your manager, so I can tell him/her that you need some basic customer service skills."This is just one of the many reasons why I hate telephones. E-mail or instant message is so much better, as long as you're dealing with someone with good writing skills. However, oftentimes we're forced to call in for tech support or other customer service, and with call centers all over the country and the world, you never know what you're going to get (the last customer service person I dealt with had the sweetest Minnesota accent, but it's rare to be that lucky).
My friend, you are starting out with the right idea, blaming the phone rather than the person's accent. My suggestion would be to shift the blame even further, to yourself. Say simply "I'm sorry, sometimes I have a really hard time understanding people over the phone. Could you speak more slowly?" Retain the apologetic tone that you've been using so far. Hopefully if you make it seem like you have a hearing problem (even if the "problem" is that the agent is talking at a mile a minute and there's all sorts of office background noise coming through the connection) and emphasize that you need them to talk more slowly, they won't resort to shouting.
If you still can't understand them, say something like "I'm so sorry, I still can't understand you. Your voice just isn't coming through well. Could you possibly transfer to someone else?" Hopefully they will understand that some people just can't hear some voices -- my husband has a voice like that, which tends to lead to a lot of mis-heard orders at restaurants. Good thing he's not a picky eater.
But what about when the agent gets snippy with you? Absolutely ask to be transferred to the manager right away! Summon your best icy politeness and say "I still can't understand you. Please transfer me to your supervisor." Then when you get the supervisor, calmly explain what happened and request to be helped by someone else.
In the case of being hung up on (really? I know a lot of people who have worked in call centers and you're generally only allowed to hang up when the customer gets truly belligerent, as in cursing and making threats), you should call back and ask immediately to be transferred to a supervisor. Then provide the name of the employee who hung up on you! Hopefully your call will have been monitored for quality assurance (or whatever they call it) and they will have proof of how poorly you were treated.
The important thing is to stick to just the facts. While it would be very satisfying to say that you think the agent needs some "basic customer service skills" after being yelled at, you look so much better when you are the one calmly saying "All I did was ask her to repeat the product number I needed to order" and she's the one who hung up on you.
I hope this helps, and I hope that you don't encounter too many irrationally irritable customer service representatives any time soon!
Do you have a question that you'd like to see answered in this blog? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be one of my next letters!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Staggeringly Rude
Hello Polite Readers!
Chances are at some point in your life, someone has said something jaw-droppingly rude to you. It might have been street harassment, or someone suggesting that bellydancing is the same as stripping, or an unprovoked insult about your appearance. And chances are that you were either left speechless, or you responded with something equally rude. Well, don't feel bad. For the most part we don't go through life expecting that random people (or sometimes, our own friends and family!) will say awful things to us.
In a perfect world, we'd all be ready with a clever quip for every occasion, but when wit fails you there are other options. When someone is rude to you, it actually is a pretty good idea to just ignore them, because you're denying them the satisfaction of the response and possibly saving yourself from being drawn into an argument or even a physical fight!
If you feel like you have to respond, there are a couple of options which work well in most situations. Often you can give them an either shocked, perplexed, or hurt look and (matching the tone to your expression) say "Why would you say that?" it gives them pause, and prompts them to apologize if they didn't mean it that, or to explain exactly why they think your art is the ugliest thing they've ever seen. For those of you who are more directly confrontational, you can say "That was very rude/hurtful and if you're going to continue to talk like that I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
The most important thing is to resist the urge to respond in kind. It's tempting to try to hurt someone who has hurt you, but returning insult for insult just drags you down to their level. By all means, think of a snide comeback if it makes you feel better, but don't say it. Rise above it all by remaining cool and collected, and you will earn the respect of onlookers.
Do you need help dealing with the rude people of the world? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may feature you in my next column!
Chances are at some point in your life, someone has said something jaw-droppingly rude to you. It might have been street harassment, or someone suggesting that bellydancing is the same as stripping, or an unprovoked insult about your appearance. And chances are that you were either left speechless, or you responded with something equally rude. Well, don't feel bad. For the most part we don't go through life expecting that random people (or sometimes, our own friends and family!) will say awful things to us.
In a perfect world, we'd all be ready with a clever quip for every occasion, but when wit fails you there are other options. When someone is rude to you, it actually is a pretty good idea to just ignore them, because you're denying them the satisfaction of the response and possibly saving yourself from being drawn into an argument or even a physical fight!
If you feel like you have to respond, there are a couple of options which work well in most situations. Often you can give them an either shocked, perplexed, or hurt look and (matching the tone to your expression) say "Why would you say that?" it gives them pause, and prompts them to apologize if they didn't mean it that, or to explain exactly why they think your art is the ugliest thing they've ever seen. For those of you who are more directly confrontational, you can say "That was very rude/hurtful and if you're going to continue to talk like that I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
The most important thing is to resist the urge to respond in kind. It's tempting to try to hurt someone who has hurt you, but returning insult for insult just drags you down to their level. By all means, think of a snide comeback if it makes you feel better, but don't say it. Rise above it all by remaining cool and collected, and you will earn the respect of onlookers.
Do you need help dealing with the rude people of the world? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may feature you in my next column!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Gift Disappointment
Hello Polite Readers!
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve, so depending on which holiday you celebrate, you have either already exchanged gifts, will soon, or are so sick about hearing about other peoples' gift exchanging holidays that you will skip this entire post and hope that I write about something non-holiday-related on Wednesday. Today's post is about dealing with gift disappointment, from both the giver and receiver's part, which of course can also apply to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and all those other occasions where etiquette says gifts should be given.
Most of us have dealt with gift failure before, probably from both ends. Let's talk about when you give a dud gift first.
Oftentimes, it's not your fault when a gift that you give goes over poorly. You may have misjudged the recipient's taste, you might have accidentally bought them something they already have, or they might just be impossible to please (at least on your budget). We'll discuss later how they should best express their disappointment (or not), but for now let's assume that they don't have the good taste to read my blog and they respond rudely. How do you deal with that?
Resist the urge to snark at them, even though they probably deserve it for being rude. Especially if you're at some sort of group holiday gathering or birthday party, you want them to be the one who looks bad whereas you look cool, albeit possibly a bit embarrassed. Smile awkwardly and say "I'm sorry, I thought you would love it." If you have a gift receipt, offer it to them, but otherwise, don't fall over yourself trying to offer to make it right if the gift can't be exchanged or returned.
If you have a person in your life who is always difficult about gifts, my honest recommendation is not to make the effort anymore. If they're going to snark no matter what you give them, just give them a gift card to some store that they can probably find something they like at. Stop stressing about picking or making the perfect gift for that curmudgeon and focus your attention on the people who actually appreciate the thought and effort that you put into them.
So what do you do if you get a gift that you don't like? Simple. You say "Thank you!" If you're feeling really generous and you know that the person actually thought that they picked out something good, you should maybe try to find something to praise about the item (although the problem with this is that they may then take that as encouragement to buy similarly bad gifts in the future).
I know that it's hard to deal with getting a spectacularly bad gift, especially when you've put a lot of thought into what you gave them in return, but it's wrong to treat gifts like a tit-for-tat exchange and unfortunately part of being an adult is having to put up with disappointment, instead of throwing a tantrum (although even as a kid, I didn't throw a tantrum on the year that my cousins all got awesome Legos and my brother and I got CLOTHES. Clothes! How were we supposed to play with those?). Here are some other tips for dealing with gift disappointment.
-If possible, try to find a way to actually make the gift likeable. Can it be modified somehow to be more attractive or useful?
-If it's nice but just not your style, can you regift it in such a way that the original giver will never find out? I'm not a huge fan of regifting, but sometimes it's appropriate, if you know the new receiver will actually like it.
-If it's unbelievably horrible, well, congratulations! You've got something for the next White Elephant exchange you participate in.
-Can you possibly sell it on eBay or Craig's List or through some other venue, without the giver catching on?
-Is it small enough that you can keep it around and then bring it out whenever they come over? I only recommend this tactic for gifts from grandparents who would be crushed if you didn't display the precious knick-knack that they picked out based on the idea that you are still into the same things you liked at eight years old.
-Can you trade it for something else? When I was a teenager, someone gave me a Wal-Mart gift card. There was nothing I wanted at Wal-Mart, but my parents always shopped there so they bought it off of me for cash value, allowing me to spend the money wherever I wanted on whatever I wanted (probably comic books).
-Another pro-tip for gift cards. Use them for stuff you NEED and suddenly the money that you would have spent on that is available for fun! I love getting Trader Joe's gift cards because I can buy my usual groceries (maybe with a couple extra treats) and then suddenly my weekly grocery money is available to spend on a nice dinner out instead.
-In all of these cases, remember that a gift is yours to do whatever you want with after you receive it. While you certainly shouldn't use a handmade quilt as a drop cloth when you paint your house, you also shouldn't feel guilty if you take that tacky snow globe to Goodwill.
Tired of all these holiday-themed posts? Then send me a letter about a different topic! Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve, so depending on which holiday you celebrate, you have either already exchanged gifts, will soon, or are so sick about hearing about other peoples' gift exchanging holidays that you will skip this entire post and hope that I write about something non-holiday-related on Wednesday. Today's post is about dealing with gift disappointment, from both the giver and receiver's part, which of course can also apply to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and all those other occasions where etiquette says gifts should be given.
Most of us have dealt with gift failure before, probably from both ends. Let's talk about when you give a dud gift first.
Oftentimes, it's not your fault when a gift that you give goes over poorly. You may have misjudged the recipient's taste, you might have accidentally bought them something they already have, or they might just be impossible to please (at least on your budget). We'll discuss later how they should best express their disappointment (or not), but for now let's assume that they don't have the good taste to read my blog and they respond rudely. How do you deal with that?
Resist the urge to snark at them, even though they probably deserve it for being rude. Especially if you're at some sort of group holiday gathering or birthday party, you want them to be the one who looks bad whereas you look cool, albeit possibly a bit embarrassed. Smile awkwardly and say "I'm sorry, I thought you would love it." If you have a gift receipt, offer it to them, but otherwise, don't fall over yourself trying to offer to make it right if the gift can't be exchanged or returned.
If you have a person in your life who is always difficult about gifts, my honest recommendation is not to make the effort anymore. If they're going to snark no matter what you give them, just give them a gift card to some store that they can probably find something they like at. Stop stressing about picking or making the perfect gift for that curmudgeon and focus your attention on the people who actually appreciate the thought and effort that you put into them.
So what do you do if you get a gift that you don't like? Simple. You say "Thank you!" If you're feeling really generous and you know that the person actually thought that they picked out something good, you should maybe try to find something to praise about the item (although the problem with this is that they may then take that as encouragement to buy similarly bad gifts in the future).
I know that it's hard to deal with getting a spectacularly bad gift, especially when you've put a lot of thought into what you gave them in return, but it's wrong to treat gifts like a tit-for-tat exchange and unfortunately part of being an adult is having to put up with disappointment, instead of throwing a tantrum (although even as a kid, I didn't throw a tantrum on the year that my cousins all got awesome Legos and my brother and I got CLOTHES. Clothes! How were we supposed to play with those?). Here are some other tips for dealing with gift disappointment.
-If possible, try to find a way to actually make the gift likeable. Can it be modified somehow to be more attractive or useful?
-If it's nice but just not your style, can you regift it in such a way that the original giver will never find out? I'm not a huge fan of regifting, but sometimes it's appropriate, if you know the new receiver will actually like it.
-If it's unbelievably horrible, well, congratulations! You've got something for the next White Elephant exchange you participate in.
-Can you possibly sell it on eBay or Craig's List or through some other venue, without the giver catching on?
-Is it small enough that you can keep it around and then bring it out whenever they come over? I only recommend this tactic for gifts from grandparents who would be crushed if you didn't display the precious knick-knack that they picked out based on the idea that you are still into the same things you liked at eight years old.
-Can you trade it for something else? When I was a teenager, someone gave me a Wal-Mart gift card. There was nothing I wanted at Wal-Mart, but my parents always shopped there so they bought it off of me for cash value, allowing me to spend the money wherever I wanted on whatever I wanted (probably comic books).
-Another pro-tip for gift cards. Use them for stuff you NEED and suddenly the money that you would have spent on that is available for fun! I love getting Trader Joe's gift cards because I can buy my usual groceries (maybe with a couple extra treats) and then suddenly my weekly grocery money is available to spend on a nice dinner out instead.
-In all of these cases, remember that a gift is yours to do whatever you want with after you receive it. While you certainly shouldn't use a handmade quilt as a drop cloth when you paint your house, you also shouldn't feel guilty if you take that tacky snow globe to Goodwill.
Tired of all these holiday-themed posts? Then send me a letter about a different topic! Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Please let me grieve
Hello Polite Readers!
I hate to be a downer, but today's topic is serious and sad. It's about how people deal with the fact that you're in mourning, and the platitudes they give you. You know the ones:
I have to admit, when I hear or read this sort of thing, it makes me want to say things that are not exactly polite. While this sort of sentiment may be welcome to the religious, and give them solace while they grieve, it can also be somewhat condescending, especially to the non-religious.
Let's face it... for the most part, when we grieve, we are not sad for the deceased. We either believe that they are in a better place and not sad, or that they are completely gone and incapable of sadness (I guess you may be sad for the deceased if you believe in reincarnation and suspect that their life choices will result in being bumped down to a less-savory life on their next turn of the wheel, but I'm not familiar enough with those belief systems to really say. Would someone like to chime in?). Regardless of what you believe, you're sad for yourself, because the person you love is gone. You're sad for the spouse, children, parents, siblings and friends they left behind. You're sad because you can't explain to your one dog where your other dog has gone. You are sad because you already bought the perfect Christmas present and now you'll never give it to them. You're mourning that hole in your life, and all the lost possibilities it represents.
Those who are on the outside, who know you but not the deceased, are often at a loss on how to react (especially for those of us who are a little younger and haven't had as much experience with grief), and that's when stupid things get said. This is not to excuse their stupidity, only to explain it. When faced with grief, there is really only one appropriate response:
If you knew the deceased, you can put something nice about them in the middle of that statement. "He was such a good man" or "She was a great dog, I loved taking her for walks with you." But that's really all you need to say. Don't add any of the above religious sentiments unless you genuinely believe it AND you know that the mourner feels the same way. This is not an either/or situation, both conditions must be met. Do not express false sentiments, and do not insult the mourner by applying your morality to them. Oh, and it should go without saying that don't you dare ever, ever say that the deceased is going to hell because of their bad life. If you do that, I will give you the most Politely Worded tearing down that has ever been given.
Oh, but what if you are the mourner on the receiving end of this empty sentiment? Well, for one thing, you're in mourning. You may say pretty much whatever you want, though do your best not to say anything that you might regret once you are on the road back to happiness. Don't suggest that someone do something anatomically impossible, no matter how tempting it may be. Sometimes the best response is a cool, icy look while saying nothing (or on FB, acknowledging all of the heartfelt wishes and ignoring the stupid ones).
I hope that none of you need this advice any time soon. I hope that you suffer no painful losses, and if you do, that those around you treat you with love and respect during your grief.
Do you have your own sticky situation that needs a Politely Worded response? Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may answer it on this blog!
I hate to be a downer, but today's topic is serious and sad. It's about how people deal with the fact that you're in mourning, and the platitudes they give you. You know the ones:
"He's in a better place now."
"Granny is with Grandpa now and they're both smiling at you from heaven."
"She's with God now."
"Fluffy will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge!"
I have to admit, when I hear or read this sort of thing, it makes me want to say things that are not exactly polite. While this sort of sentiment may be welcome to the religious, and give them solace while they grieve, it can also be somewhat condescending, especially to the non-religious.
Let's face it... for the most part, when we grieve, we are not sad for the deceased. We either believe that they are in a better place and not sad, or that they are completely gone and incapable of sadness (I guess you may be sad for the deceased if you believe in reincarnation and suspect that their life choices will result in being bumped down to a less-savory life on their next turn of the wheel, but I'm not familiar enough with those belief systems to really say. Would someone like to chime in?). Regardless of what you believe, you're sad for yourself, because the person you love is gone. You're sad for the spouse, children, parents, siblings and friends they left behind. You're sad because you can't explain to your one dog where your other dog has gone. You are sad because you already bought the perfect Christmas present and now you'll never give it to them. You're mourning that hole in your life, and all the lost possibilities it represents.
Those who are on the outside, who know you but not the deceased, are often at a loss on how to react (especially for those of us who are a little younger and haven't had as much experience with grief), and that's when stupid things get said. This is not to excuse their stupidity, only to explain it. When faced with grief, there is really only one appropriate response:
"I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?"
If you knew the deceased, you can put something nice about them in the middle of that statement. "He was such a good man" or "She was a great dog, I loved taking her for walks with you." But that's really all you need to say. Don't add any of the above religious sentiments unless you genuinely believe it AND you know that the mourner feels the same way. This is not an either/or situation, both conditions must be met. Do not express false sentiments, and do not insult the mourner by applying your morality to them. Oh, and it should go without saying that don't you dare ever, ever say that the deceased is going to hell because of their bad life. If you do that, I will give you the most Politely Worded tearing down that has ever been given.
Oh, but what if you are the mourner on the receiving end of this empty sentiment? Well, for one thing, you're in mourning. You may say pretty much whatever you want, though do your best not to say anything that you might regret once you are on the road back to happiness. Don't suggest that someone do something anatomically impossible, no matter how tempting it may be. Sometimes the best response is a cool, icy look while saying nothing (or on FB, acknowledging all of the heartfelt wishes and ignoring the stupid ones).
I hope that none of you need this advice any time soon. I hope that you suffer no painful losses, and if you do, that those around you treat you with love and respect during your grief.
Do you have your own sticky situation that needs a Politely Worded response? Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may answer it on this blog!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Polite Politics
Hello Polite Readers!
I pre-schedule these posts, so I'm actually sitting here writing this on Election Day. I've already done my civic duty and voted -- I hope you did, too (unless I have any international readers, in which case, I hope you had a lovely Tuesday). I am happy to have been able to vote, and I am happy that soon all the tacky signs will be torn down, and I will stop having to sort through so much political mail.
However, I am under no illusions about my Facebook feed. I've already seen a few friends express how happy they are at the idea of no longer seeing so many political posts, but those friends are deluding themselves. The election is not the end. As soon as the results come in, our Facebook and Twitter feeds will be awash with victorious gloating and depressed moaning. Those whose candidate lost may well threaten to move to another country, or declare this as a sign of the end of the world.
Don't be those people.
Whoever wins tonight's election, I hope that you will be polite in expressing your opinion. Do not rub your candidates victory in the face of your friends who voted differently. If your candidate loses, do not make witty posts about how long it is until the next election. Be graceful in victory or in defeat.
If your friends are making rude posts, it's best to just ignore them rather than engaging (I have to admit, I have hidden some friends during this campaign season, because it was so hard to resist getting into fights).
Keep in mind that whatever the results of the election, on both a national and local level, we all still have to live together. Threats to move to a more politically hospitable climate aside, you are probably still going to be close to people who have political views opposite to your own, whether they're your family, friends, or co-workers. Whether we have the same president or a new one in 2013, you will still have the same parents, neighbors, and troupemates. Be kind to each other.
(This post is inspired by some of the more level-headed posts I've seen coming into this election season, especially one by my friend Fonda)
I need your letters! If you have a question, or just an idea for a column, please send it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may publish it here.
I pre-schedule these posts, so I'm actually sitting here writing this on Election Day. I've already done my civic duty and voted -- I hope you did, too (unless I have any international readers, in which case, I hope you had a lovely Tuesday). I am happy to have been able to vote, and I am happy that soon all the tacky signs will be torn down, and I will stop having to sort through so much political mail.
However, I am under no illusions about my Facebook feed. I've already seen a few friends express how happy they are at the idea of no longer seeing so many political posts, but those friends are deluding themselves. The election is not the end. As soon as the results come in, our Facebook and Twitter feeds will be awash with victorious gloating and depressed moaning. Those whose candidate lost may well threaten to move to another country, or declare this as a sign of the end of the world.
Don't be those people.
Whoever wins tonight's election, I hope that you will be polite in expressing your opinion. Do not rub your candidates victory in the face of your friends who voted differently. If your candidate loses, do not make witty posts about how long it is until the next election. Be graceful in victory or in defeat.
If your friends are making rude posts, it's best to just ignore them rather than engaging (I have to admit, I have hidden some friends during this campaign season, because it was so hard to resist getting into fights).
Keep in mind that whatever the results of the election, on both a national and local level, we all still have to live together. Threats to move to a more politically hospitable climate aside, you are probably still going to be close to people who have political views opposite to your own, whether they're your family, friends, or co-workers. Whether we have the same president or a new one in 2013, you will still have the same parents, neighbors, and troupemates. Be kind to each other.
(This post is inspired by some of the more level-headed posts I've seen coming into this election season, especially one by my friend Fonda)
I need your letters! If you have a question, or just an idea for a column, please send it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may publish it here.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Those Awkward Questions
Hello Polite Readers!
Well, Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away, and Christmas (or your Winter holiday of choice) about a month after that. This means parties and family gatherings, and that means dodging those awkward, nosy questions that people love to ask. You know the ones:
"When are you two finally going to get married?"
"Are you planning on having kids any time soon?"
"Why haven't you gone back to school?"
"Isn't it about time you gave up on your dreams and settled down with a boring desk job like I have?"
These questions are most often asked by the people who have the least right to know the answers -- seriously, I was once grilled about my reproductive choices by my husband's best friend's mother, who I had never met before and haven't seen since. She had no investment in whether or not my husband and I were planning to have children. It's not like she'd ever meet them. And yet she felt she had to know, and had to give her opinion about our choices and our reasons.
And that's the real problem. The people who ask these questions are rarely content with your answer, and they want to tell you why. If you say "We're waiting a few more years to pay off our student loans because we don't want to start our marriage in debt" they will counter by telling you that love is more important than money. In their minds, there is only one right answer to the question they've asked you, and even if you proceed to give them the answer they want ("Actually, we're trying for a baby and hope to have good news soon!") they will proceed to give you their opinion on how you should do it ("Make sure you start looking at pre-schools now! It's never too early to start thinking about your not-yet-conceived child's education!"). There is no escape.
So as the holidays approach, you need to come up with a defense plan. Think about the awkward questions you know you're going to have to face. Come up with a stock answer that deflects the question without providing too much information and without being rude. Using the four examples above, you might say:
"We'll be sure to send out announcements if we pick a date."
"That's really just between the two of us, don't you think?"
"I don't think it's the best place for me right now."
"Things haven't reached that point yet."
Then change the subject! If you have to, walk away. You can easily pretend that you need to go say hello to the family matriarch, or that you need more hot cider, or if you're worried about them following you, escape to the bathroom. Disaster averted.
It's important to plan ahead, because otherwise you get caught unaware and you end up stammering your way through various excuses, which the nosy person counters and tears apart, trying to make you feel like you're a failure for not choosing the life path they've laid out for you (even though they haven't seen you for five years).
Sometimes you will see advice on-line that gives you some really flip, icy, or rude responses to these questions. Unless the person asking has a history of badgering you every single time they see you about something, I don't see the point in being rude to them. It just makes the rest of the gathering awkward, especially if things escalate. Give them the polite brush-off. In most cases, you can easily give an answer like I suggested above, and then change the subject to something you know they'd rather talk about (their own kids, the cruise they took last month, the football game on the tv, what sort of pie they're going to choose for dessert) without them realizing until later that you totally dodged the subject.
Speaking of the holidays, I will be taking a little vacation for Thanksgiving, and I would like to pre-schedule posts for that week. If you have a question you'd like me to answer, please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com so I can build up a nice backlog to get us through this busy season. Thank you!
Well, Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away, and Christmas (or your Winter holiday of choice) about a month after that. This means parties and family gatherings, and that means dodging those awkward, nosy questions that people love to ask. You know the ones:
"When are you two finally going to get married?"
"Are you planning on having kids any time soon?"
"Why haven't you gone back to school?"
"Isn't it about time you gave up on your dreams and settled down with a boring desk job like I have?"
These questions are most often asked by the people who have the least right to know the answers -- seriously, I was once grilled about my reproductive choices by my husband's best friend's mother, who I had never met before and haven't seen since. She had no investment in whether or not my husband and I were planning to have children. It's not like she'd ever meet them. And yet she felt she had to know, and had to give her opinion about our choices and our reasons.
And that's the real problem. The people who ask these questions are rarely content with your answer, and they want to tell you why. If you say "We're waiting a few more years to pay off our student loans because we don't want to start our marriage in debt" they will counter by telling you that love is more important than money. In their minds, there is only one right answer to the question they've asked you, and even if you proceed to give them the answer they want ("Actually, we're trying for a baby and hope to have good news soon!") they will proceed to give you their opinion on how you should do it ("Make sure you start looking at pre-schools now! It's never too early to start thinking about your not-yet-conceived child's education!"). There is no escape.
So as the holidays approach, you need to come up with a defense plan. Think about the awkward questions you know you're going to have to face. Come up with a stock answer that deflects the question without providing too much information and without being rude. Using the four examples above, you might say:
"We'll be sure to send out announcements if we pick a date."
"That's really just between the two of us, don't you think?"
"I don't think it's the best place for me right now."
"Things haven't reached that point yet."
Then change the subject! If you have to, walk away. You can easily pretend that you need to go say hello to the family matriarch, or that you need more hot cider, or if you're worried about them following you, escape to the bathroom. Disaster averted.
It's important to plan ahead, because otherwise you get caught unaware and you end up stammering your way through various excuses, which the nosy person counters and tears apart, trying to make you feel like you're a failure for not choosing the life path they've laid out for you (even though they haven't seen you for five years).
Sometimes you will see advice on-line that gives you some really flip, icy, or rude responses to these questions. Unless the person asking has a history of badgering you every single time they see you about something, I don't see the point in being rude to them. It just makes the rest of the gathering awkward, especially if things escalate. Give them the polite brush-off. In most cases, you can easily give an answer like I suggested above, and then change the subject to something you know they'd rather talk about (their own kids, the cruise they took last month, the football game on the tv, what sort of pie they're going to choose for dessert) without them realizing until later that you totally dodged the subject.
Speaking of the holidays, I will be taking a little vacation for Thanksgiving, and I would like to pre-schedule posts for that week. If you have a question you'd like me to answer, please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com so I can build up a nice backlog to get us through this busy season. Thank you!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Please spill all your trade secrets!
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's question comes courtesy of the lovely and talented Andrea of Beadmask. She writes:
I'm so happy that you wrote this letter, Andrea, because this is something that I really wanted to address on this blog! I think almost every artist has been in your shoes. The world is full of people who want a shortcut to creativity -- hence the two posts I've already written about copycats.
When someone sends you a rude request for patterns, say simply "I'm sorry, I don't currently have any tutorials or patterns for my work. If I ever decide to make them available, they will be for sale in my Etsy shop." Rude requests for material sources can be responded to with a little "If you Google for <insert leather term here, I seriously have no idea what you use because leatherwork mystifies me> you should find numerous sources for mask leather."
Wow. That was easy! But what about those occasional polite requests? Sometimes you'll get a gushing request for information on your technique and your suppliers. How do you respond to that? You need to balance their good manners against the fact that you have worked hard to develop your designs and/or find the perfect source for materials.
Decide what you're willing to share. I will not give someone detailed instructions on how I did something, but I will recommend great books on similar beadwork. I will not tell someone specifically which vendor I go to for awesome vintage keys, but I will happily provide recommendations on the best prices for seed beads and crystals.
If you get a lot of requests, you might want to write up a little form letter that lists your favorite books, websites, and suppliers that will help a newbie to your craft. It pays to be nice to people who are asking politely, because if they try their hand and find out they just can't do it themselves, they'll probably remember how sweet you are and buy from you.
I am especially willing to help people look for supplies when they work in a totally non-competing medium. My brother, for instance, works at a company that makes fire toys and in the past I've tried to help him find a good source for split rings for their products. I've happily given my fellow belly dancers advice on where to buy crystal sequins (actually, I usually spend late January and early February answering a lot of "Which gem show should I go to for this?" questions). This is another situation where a few minutes of your time will foster a lot of goodwill with a fellow artist and possibly lead you to some interesting new sites as you try to find what they're looking for.
Have your own rude Etsy convo that needs a Politely Worded response? Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you may be featured in a future column!
Today's question comes courtesy of the lovely and talented Andrea of Beadmask. She writes:
Hey AJ,
I have a PW topic suggestion/request for you:
Random strangers who write (typically rudely) to ask for detailed patterns, instructions and/or sources for materials. They're often demanding, and I've never once had any of these people acknowledge that my time, talent or resources have value by offering to trade or exchange anything. Friends are different, but it strikes me as rude for someone I've never met to expect so much without so much as a "please" or "thank you".
Cheers,
~Andrea
I'm so happy that you wrote this letter, Andrea, because this is something that I really wanted to address on this blog! I think almost every artist has been in your shoes. The world is full of people who want a shortcut to creativity -- hence the two posts I've already written about copycats.
When someone sends you a rude request for patterns, say simply "I'm sorry, I don't currently have any tutorials or patterns for my work. If I ever decide to make them available, they will be for sale in my Etsy shop." Rude requests for material sources can be responded to with a little "If you Google for <insert leather term here, I seriously have no idea what you use because leatherwork mystifies me> you should find numerous sources for mask leather."
Wow. That was easy! But what about those occasional polite requests? Sometimes you'll get a gushing request for information on your technique and your suppliers. How do you respond to that? You need to balance their good manners against the fact that you have worked hard to develop your designs and/or find the perfect source for materials.
Decide what you're willing to share. I will not give someone detailed instructions on how I did something, but I will recommend great books on similar beadwork. I will not tell someone specifically which vendor I go to for awesome vintage keys, but I will happily provide recommendations on the best prices for seed beads and crystals.
If you get a lot of requests, you might want to write up a little form letter that lists your favorite books, websites, and suppliers that will help a newbie to your craft. It pays to be nice to people who are asking politely, because if they try their hand and find out they just can't do it themselves, they'll probably remember how sweet you are and buy from you.
I am especially willing to help people look for supplies when they work in a totally non-competing medium. My brother, for instance, works at a company that makes fire toys and in the past I've tried to help him find a good source for split rings for their products. I've happily given my fellow belly dancers advice on where to buy crystal sequins (actually, I usually spend late January and early February answering a lot of "Which gem show should I go to for this?" questions). This is another situation where a few minutes of your time will foster a lot of goodwill with a fellow artist and possibly lead you to some interesting new sites as you try to find what they're looking for.
Have your own rude Etsy convo that needs a Politely Worded response? Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you may be featured in a future column!
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