Hello Polite Readers!
It's gem show season here in Tucson Arizona. Our city is full of tents, the hotels are overflowing with vendors and shoppers, there's interesting people from all over the world displaying all manner of gems, beads, fossils and more. It's a very exciting time, but it can also be very stressful. A little polite behavior can go a long way towards making everything go much more smoothly. Here's a few of my best tips:
1. Excuse me, please, and thank you go a long way. Whether you're dealing with a fellow shopper who's blocking your view of something you'd like to buy, or a vendor who needs to tell you how much that amethyst geode is, a smile and a kind word is always appropriate.
2. Take it easy on the booth-help. I've been working at the gem show for 14 years. Because I live in Tucson, about half a dozen different vendors over the years have hired me to help out at their booths. It's a great job and I love it, but sometimes customers can be surprisingly rude. A couple of things to keep in mind: many gem show employees are temporary helpers like me. We might work a few trade shows a year or only this one. We probably don't have the stock memorized (especially on the first day of the show!), so we might have to track down our boss to get an answer to your question. And because we're just temporary employees, we really don't have the power to give you a special discount, so don't get huffy when we say that it's price as marked.
3. Do your homework ahead of time. Get your hands on the show guide or look up the shows on-line. It will help you get an idea of where to find your favorite vendors, where to shop for specific sorts of things (some shows specialize in high-end jewelry, some in rough stone for cutting, some in fossils, some in beads, etc etc), and which shows are wholesale-only.
4. Be mindful of where you set your stuff. Be careful that you don't put a heavy bag of books on top of a display of delicate beads, or leave your rolling bag in the middle of the aisle. Also, keep track of your drinks! We find an awful lot of half-empty water bottles in our booth.
5. When you start to feel antsy, take a little break. It's easy to get overwhelmed, especially in a crowded show. Find a spot to sit down, maybe go outside for some fresh air. Have a snack or drink. Look through your purchases so far.Just a couple of minutes can be enough to melt that stress away.
6. Compliment other shoppers on their incredible taste! It will probably make them smile and you might even make a new friend.
7. Remember that old adage "If you can't say anything nice..." If you don't like a vendor's wares or you think they're overpriced or you saw nicer ones at the last show, don't say so while still standing at their booth.
8. Keep your eye out for chances to do small acts of kindness. Hold the door open for the person behind you, pick up something that someone dropped, chase down the shopper who absent-mindedly left half of their purchase at the booth. It will make you both feel better.
Do you have a situation that you're struggling to handle politely? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll answer your questions on this blog!
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Lipstick Etiquette
Hello Polite Readers!
Today I am answering a letter about lipstick etiquette, which is slightly outside of the original concept of this blog, but there's a couple opportunities for polite wording, and besides, it's nice to get a letter! So let's get to it:
The more I have to do my makeup nicely to dance, the more I've explored my options and I've discovered that not all lipsticks are created equal. So the first step to avoiding a lipstick faux pas is to find one that you really like and are comfortable wearing. Look for something that isn't too sticky or goopy, doesn't tend to wander around your face, and doesn't dry your lips out. Using a conditioner or primer before you apply can help, and makeup setting spray might keep it from coming off. Of course it's expensive to buy a bunch of lipsticks to try, so I recommend going down to your favorite cosmetics store, getting some brand recommendations, and having them apply the one you like best and then you can wear it all day and see how it holds up before making a decision.
Personally I prefer to avoid actual lipstick and go with lip tar. It's my new obsession. Some people also like lip stains. Both of these products are less prone to transfering onto silverware, wine glasses and friends' cheeks. I've personally found that the one stain I've tried dries my lips out like crazy, but your mileage may very. Also, matte lipsticks can be more reliable than shiny ones. So there you go. If you go with an actual lipstick, blotting it after applying will help avoid as much transference onto the things around you.
Now to address each question:
1. Personally, I don't like to touch up my makeup at the dinner table, it feels a little gauche and unsanitary. I don't want food in my makeup or makeup in my food, and I think it sends a weird message to the people you're with, similar to playing with your phone. Do a quick compact-check and if you need a touch-up, excuse yourself.
2. Don't wipe it off before eating, it's so hard to just remove your lipstick without messing up the rest of your face, and if you're anything like me, you'll end up with weird bits of color stuck in little creases in your lip. If you're wearing a good product and you've blotted, you shouldn't have too much trouble with it coming off on silverware.
3. You probably won't leave marks on someone's face, but if you do, simply have a tissue or handkerchief (clean of course!) to dab it off with. Brush it off with a simple "So sorry, I left a mark!"
And a little Politely Worded tip? Watch out for your fellow ladies, especially dancers. If you see that someone has a smudge, or needs a touch-up, or has lipstick on her teeth, please take her aside and let her know! No one wants to go on stage with messy lipstick, or walk around a party with red teeth. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just a quiet "Oh, you might want to touch up your lips real quick." Saves everyone a lot of embarrassment!
If you have your own etiquette questions, please e-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!
Today I am answering a letter about lipstick etiquette, which is slightly outside of the original concept of this blog, but there's a couple opportunities for polite wording, and besides, it's nice to get a letter! So let's get to it:
What is "lipstick etiquette"? I'm trying to wear lipstick more, but now I don't know what to do when it needs touch ups. Do I always excuse myself and find a ladies room or just pull out a compact? Do I wipe it off before eating or let it get on the silverware? Can I touch it up at the table? What if I try to fake-kiss a cheek but end up making contact and leaving a big lip-mark? Etc.So. The truth is that I really hate lipstick and if I hadn't become a dancer I probably never would have started to wear it. Early in my career, if I wasn't specifically told that I had to wear red lipstick, I would wear a sparkly gloss instead and even then I wouldn't put it on until right before I went on-stage, and in fact some times I would forget to put it on at all and go out with bare lips. Oh, the shame.
The more I have to do my makeup nicely to dance, the more I've explored my options and I've discovered that not all lipsticks are created equal. So the first step to avoiding a lipstick faux pas is to find one that you really like and are comfortable wearing. Look for something that isn't too sticky or goopy, doesn't tend to wander around your face, and doesn't dry your lips out. Using a conditioner or primer before you apply can help, and makeup setting spray might keep it from coming off. Of course it's expensive to buy a bunch of lipsticks to try, so I recommend going down to your favorite cosmetics store, getting some brand recommendations, and having them apply the one you like best and then you can wear it all day and see how it holds up before making a decision.
Personally I prefer to avoid actual lipstick and go with lip tar. It's my new obsession. Some people also like lip stains. Both of these products are less prone to transfering onto silverware, wine glasses and friends' cheeks. I've personally found that the one stain I've tried dries my lips out like crazy, but your mileage may very. Also, matte lipsticks can be more reliable than shiny ones. So there you go. If you go with an actual lipstick, blotting it after applying will help avoid as much transference onto the things around you.
Now to address each question:
1. Personally, I don't like to touch up my makeup at the dinner table, it feels a little gauche and unsanitary. I don't want food in my makeup or makeup in my food, and I think it sends a weird message to the people you're with, similar to playing with your phone. Do a quick compact-check and if you need a touch-up, excuse yourself.
2. Don't wipe it off before eating, it's so hard to just remove your lipstick without messing up the rest of your face, and if you're anything like me, you'll end up with weird bits of color stuck in little creases in your lip. If you're wearing a good product and you've blotted, you shouldn't have too much trouble with it coming off on silverware.
3. You probably won't leave marks on someone's face, but if you do, simply have a tissue or handkerchief (clean of course!) to dab it off with. Brush it off with a simple "So sorry, I left a mark!"
And a little Politely Worded tip? Watch out for your fellow ladies, especially dancers. If you see that someone has a smudge, or needs a touch-up, or has lipstick on her teeth, please take her aside and let her know! No one wants to go on stage with messy lipstick, or walk around a party with red teeth. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just a quiet "Oh, you might want to touch up your lips real quick." Saves everyone a lot of embarrassment!
If you have your own etiquette questions, please e-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Don't Interrupt Me!
Hello Polite Readers!
Before I discuss today's topic, I'd just like to mention that it is my birthday! Hooray! If you're in a generous mood and want to give me a present, I'd love it if you'd share this blog on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mail it to a friend. Help me get the word out!
Now, on with the column! One of my loyal readers asked me for advice on a topic that she and a friend were griping about, and that is people interrupting you when you're in the middle of something important. Of course, important can range from working at your home office, or reading the crucial last few pages of a really good book, or putting the finishing touches on a really intricate art project. Anything where you are really in the zone and that interruption just pulls you right out and you want to just PUNCH the person who did it.
Sometimes I have to do a little mental roleplay to put myself in the shoes of my writer when dealing with a subject I have little experience with, but not this time. You see, my husband and I both work from home and we share an office. We have pretty different ways of doing things. He is a master multitasker and has no trouble working, carrying on conversations in several different IM programs, looking something up on Wikipedia, listening to music and eating lunch all at once. I, on the other hand, need to be really focused if I'm doing anything like reading or writing (although when I say "really focused" I usually mean that I read or write a paragraph and then switch over to see what is going on in my Facebook tab, but I'm really focused, honestly). I cannot stand to be interrupted to look at the pretty beetle he just found a picture of on a blog, even though I love beetles. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried "Leave me alone I'm trying to write a blog!!!" Likewise, forget going to a cafe to read a book... as soon as someone sits down next to me and starts talking, my focus is shot.
So, the most important thing to do is set boundaries.When it comes to your co-workers, spouse, housemates or kids, let them know what the rules are. For instance, when you work from home, make sure everyone knows what your hours are when you have to be on the clock and they can't just call to chat. If you share an office, perhaps having your headphones on can serve as a sign that you're doing something really important or involved. And for the avid reader, just tell everyone that as long as your nose is in a book, you are not to be spoken to. Obviously emergencies arise and can serve as exceptions, and you may have to train those around you as what counts as a real emergency, but this should help a lot. My husband now knows that if I am writing or reading something, he has to wait to ask me questions or show me things on his computer.
For spouses, kids, and housemates, you might also have an open/closed door policy. Growing up, I knew if my parents' bedroom door was closed, I wasn't supposed to bother them unless it was an emergency. For shared rooms, you could have some sort of other visible cue, like "If this teddy bear is sitting on my desk, I'm working. If he's sitting on the couch, we can chat."
When approached and interrupted by people who don't know the rules, or by those who should know better but are misbehaving, you can fall back on some simple stock phrases.
"Sorry, I'm on the clock. I have a break coming up in an hour, we can talk then."
"I'm almost done! Let me finish this chapter first."
"Hey, can you wait a minute? I'm really involved in this."
"I really need to focus. Let me get back to you when I'm done with this."
And above all, stand firm! Don't be afraid to say "I can't talk right now." You do not always have to be at everyone's disposal, you do not have to drop everything because your roommate wants to tell you about the funny thing that happened while she was at the store (it always turns out to not be that funny anyway). And remember that unless you politely spell out when you need to be left alone, the people who are interrupting you are not going to know they're doing anything wrong, and they'll think you're getting annoyed for no reason. Just spell out when you need to be allowed to concentrate, and they should understand.
Got a tricky situation of your own to deal with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column!
Before I discuss today's topic, I'd just like to mention that it is my birthday! Hooray! If you're in a generous mood and want to give me a present, I'd love it if you'd share this blog on Facebook or Twitter, or e-mail it to a friend. Help me get the word out!
Now, on with the column! One of my loyal readers asked me for advice on a topic that she and a friend were griping about, and that is people interrupting you when you're in the middle of something important. Of course, important can range from working at your home office, or reading the crucial last few pages of a really good book, or putting the finishing touches on a really intricate art project. Anything where you are really in the zone and that interruption just pulls you right out and you want to just PUNCH the person who did it.
Sometimes I have to do a little mental roleplay to put myself in the shoes of my writer when dealing with a subject I have little experience with, but not this time. You see, my husband and I both work from home and we share an office. We have pretty different ways of doing things. He is a master multitasker and has no trouble working, carrying on conversations in several different IM programs, looking something up on Wikipedia, listening to music and eating lunch all at once. I, on the other hand, need to be really focused if I'm doing anything like reading or writing (although when I say "really focused" I usually mean that I read or write a paragraph and then switch over to see what is going on in my Facebook tab, but I'm really focused, honestly). I cannot stand to be interrupted to look at the pretty beetle he just found a picture of on a blog, even though I love beetles. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried "Leave me alone I'm trying to write a blog!!!" Likewise, forget going to a cafe to read a book... as soon as someone sits down next to me and starts talking, my focus is shot.
So, the most important thing to do is set boundaries.When it comes to your co-workers, spouse, housemates or kids, let them know what the rules are. For instance, when you work from home, make sure everyone knows what your hours are when you have to be on the clock and they can't just call to chat. If you share an office, perhaps having your headphones on can serve as a sign that you're doing something really important or involved. And for the avid reader, just tell everyone that as long as your nose is in a book, you are not to be spoken to. Obviously emergencies arise and can serve as exceptions, and you may have to train those around you as what counts as a real emergency, but this should help a lot. My husband now knows that if I am writing or reading something, he has to wait to ask me questions or show me things on his computer.
For spouses, kids, and housemates, you might also have an open/closed door policy. Growing up, I knew if my parents' bedroom door was closed, I wasn't supposed to bother them unless it was an emergency. For shared rooms, you could have some sort of other visible cue, like "If this teddy bear is sitting on my desk, I'm working. If he's sitting on the couch, we can chat."
When approached and interrupted by people who don't know the rules, or by those who should know better but are misbehaving, you can fall back on some simple stock phrases.
"Sorry, I'm on the clock. I have a break coming up in an hour, we can talk then."
"I'm almost done! Let me finish this chapter first."
"Hey, can you wait a minute? I'm really involved in this."
"I really need to focus. Let me get back to you when I'm done with this."
And above all, stand firm! Don't be afraid to say "I can't talk right now." You do not always have to be at everyone's disposal, you do not have to drop everything because your roommate wants to tell you about the funny thing that happened while she was at the store (it always turns out to not be that funny anyway). And remember that unless you politely spell out when you need to be left alone, the people who are interrupting you are not going to know they're doing anything wrong, and they'll think you're getting annoyed for no reason. Just spell out when you need to be allowed to concentrate, and they should understand.
Got a tricky situation of your own to deal with? Send me an e-mail at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
What do you call a lady?
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's request comes from reader Amy (I hope she doesn't mind that I use her name, I feel like there's enough Amies out there that she's practically anonymous). She writes:
But... ma'am or miss? I think that a lot of people assume that "ma'am" is specifically for married ladies. There's also this idea that women are always automatically flattered when it's suggested that we couldn't possibly be old enough to be a "ma'am" (speaking as a woman in her early 30s who gets told she doesn't look old enough to be married on a regular basis, believe me, the novelty wears off). There might also be a certain amount of baggage with the word "ma'am." It may sound a little subservient to them, if they have bad memories of having to call a particularly overbearing relative or teacher "ma'am."
That said, you've settled on "ma'am" and there's nothing wrong with that. I think that while your toddler is young, most women are just going to be charmed by seeing such a polite little boy address them respectfully! It's then their option to say "You can call me Miss Anna/Mrs. Jones/Betty" or whatever they think is appropriate.
Once he gets older, you can sit him down and let him know that for reasons that are not at all his fault, sometimes women don't like to be called "ma'am." Tell him that if a woman gets upset with him, he can say something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend! My mother raised me to always call women 'ma'am' unless they asked to be addressed differently." Then they can tell him what they'd like to be called. Since he'll already have a lifetime of polite behavior behind him, he should be able to say this with grace and defuse the situation.
The good news for your boy is that when he grows up and gets a job, if he ends up in an industry where he has to refer to customers or clients by those honorifics, it will already be natural for him and he'll make a great impression!
Do you have an awkward situation that you need help with? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll do my best to help you find the right words!
Today's request comes from reader Amy (I hope she doesn't mind that I use her name, I feel like there's enough Amies out there that she's practically anonymous). She writes:
I was wondering about this the other day when I was thinking it's time to start having the toddler call people "sir" and "ma'am". What are your thoughts on calling women "ma'am"? I've always thought it a sign of respect and not any comment on marital status or age, and I personally get privately annoyed when I'm called "miss" instead (Don't I look older than thirteen?). But I've overheard so many women get testy with men who call them "ma'am" that I'm nervous he will get his head bitten off later in life.Personally, having grown up in two super-casual environments (Southern California and Tucson), I find that "sir" and "ma'am" always sound really formal to me, but really, there's no polite-but-casual alternatives. "Man" and "lady" sound weird, "dude" and "chick/babe" way too flip and/or 90s surfer-esque. So "sir" and "ma'am" it is. Your toddler may sound a little formal in our increasingly casual age, but I applaud you for teaching him proper manners (I know that this will be part of the lessons that also include "please" and "thank you" and holding the door open for the person behind you).
But... ma'am or miss? I think that a lot of people assume that "ma'am" is specifically for married ladies. There's also this idea that women are always automatically flattered when it's suggested that we couldn't possibly be old enough to be a "ma'am" (speaking as a woman in her early 30s who gets told she doesn't look old enough to be married on a regular basis, believe me, the novelty wears off). There might also be a certain amount of baggage with the word "ma'am." It may sound a little subservient to them, if they have bad memories of having to call a particularly overbearing relative or teacher "ma'am."
That said, you've settled on "ma'am" and there's nothing wrong with that. I think that while your toddler is young, most women are just going to be charmed by seeing such a polite little boy address them respectfully! It's then their option to say "You can call me Miss Anna/Mrs. Jones/Betty" or whatever they think is appropriate.
Once he gets older, you can sit him down and let him know that for reasons that are not at all his fault, sometimes women don't like to be called "ma'am." Tell him that if a woman gets upset with him, he can say something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend! My mother raised me to always call women 'ma'am' unless they asked to be addressed differently." Then they can tell him what they'd like to be called. Since he'll already have a lifetime of polite behavior behind him, he should be able to say this with grace and defuse the situation.
The good news for your boy is that when he grows up and gets a job, if he ends up in an industry where he has to refer to customers or clients by those honorifics, it will already be natural for him and he'll make a great impression!
Do you have an awkward situation that you need help with? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll do my best to help you find the right words!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Gift Disappointment
Hello Polite Readers!
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve, so depending on which holiday you celebrate, you have either already exchanged gifts, will soon, or are so sick about hearing about other peoples' gift exchanging holidays that you will skip this entire post and hope that I write about something non-holiday-related on Wednesday. Today's post is about dealing with gift disappointment, from both the giver and receiver's part, which of course can also apply to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and all those other occasions where etiquette says gifts should be given.
Most of us have dealt with gift failure before, probably from both ends. Let's talk about when you give a dud gift first.
Oftentimes, it's not your fault when a gift that you give goes over poorly. You may have misjudged the recipient's taste, you might have accidentally bought them something they already have, or they might just be impossible to please (at least on your budget). We'll discuss later how they should best express their disappointment (or not), but for now let's assume that they don't have the good taste to read my blog and they respond rudely. How do you deal with that?
Resist the urge to snark at them, even though they probably deserve it for being rude. Especially if you're at some sort of group holiday gathering or birthday party, you want them to be the one who looks bad whereas you look cool, albeit possibly a bit embarrassed. Smile awkwardly and say "I'm sorry, I thought you would love it." If you have a gift receipt, offer it to them, but otherwise, don't fall over yourself trying to offer to make it right if the gift can't be exchanged or returned.
If you have a person in your life who is always difficult about gifts, my honest recommendation is not to make the effort anymore. If they're going to snark no matter what you give them, just give them a gift card to some store that they can probably find something they like at. Stop stressing about picking or making the perfect gift for that curmudgeon and focus your attention on the people who actually appreciate the thought and effort that you put into them.
So what do you do if you get a gift that you don't like? Simple. You say "Thank you!" If you're feeling really generous and you know that the person actually thought that they picked out something good, you should maybe try to find something to praise about the item (although the problem with this is that they may then take that as encouragement to buy similarly bad gifts in the future).
I know that it's hard to deal with getting a spectacularly bad gift, especially when you've put a lot of thought into what you gave them in return, but it's wrong to treat gifts like a tit-for-tat exchange and unfortunately part of being an adult is having to put up with disappointment, instead of throwing a tantrum (although even as a kid, I didn't throw a tantrum on the year that my cousins all got awesome Legos and my brother and I got CLOTHES. Clothes! How were we supposed to play with those?). Here are some other tips for dealing with gift disappointment.
-If possible, try to find a way to actually make the gift likeable. Can it be modified somehow to be more attractive or useful?
-If it's nice but just not your style, can you regift it in such a way that the original giver will never find out? I'm not a huge fan of regifting, but sometimes it's appropriate, if you know the new receiver will actually like it.
-If it's unbelievably horrible, well, congratulations! You've got something for the next White Elephant exchange you participate in.
-Can you possibly sell it on eBay or Craig's List or through some other venue, without the giver catching on?
-Is it small enough that you can keep it around and then bring it out whenever they come over? I only recommend this tactic for gifts from grandparents who would be crushed if you didn't display the precious knick-knack that they picked out based on the idea that you are still into the same things you liked at eight years old.
-Can you trade it for something else? When I was a teenager, someone gave me a Wal-Mart gift card. There was nothing I wanted at Wal-Mart, but my parents always shopped there so they bought it off of me for cash value, allowing me to spend the money wherever I wanted on whatever I wanted (probably comic books).
-Another pro-tip for gift cards. Use them for stuff you NEED and suddenly the money that you would have spent on that is available for fun! I love getting Trader Joe's gift cards because I can buy my usual groceries (maybe with a couple extra treats) and then suddenly my weekly grocery money is available to spend on a nice dinner out instead.
-In all of these cases, remember that a gift is yours to do whatever you want with after you receive it. While you certainly shouldn't use a handmade quilt as a drop cloth when you paint your house, you also shouldn't feel guilty if you take that tacky snow globe to Goodwill.
Tired of all these holiday-themed posts? Then send me a letter about a different topic! Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve, so depending on which holiday you celebrate, you have either already exchanged gifts, will soon, or are so sick about hearing about other peoples' gift exchanging holidays that you will skip this entire post and hope that I write about something non-holiday-related on Wednesday. Today's post is about dealing with gift disappointment, from both the giver and receiver's part, which of course can also apply to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and all those other occasions where etiquette says gifts should be given.
Most of us have dealt with gift failure before, probably from both ends. Let's talk about when you give a dud gift first.
Oftentimes, it's not your fault when a gift that you give goes over poorly. You may have misjudged the recipient's taste, you might have accidentally bought them something they already have, or they might just be impossible to please (at least on your budget). We'll discuss later how they should best express their disappointment (or not), but for now let's assume that they don't have the good taste to read my blog and they respond rudely. How do you deal with that?
Resist the urge to snark at them, even though they probably deserve it for being rude. Especially if you're at some sort of group holiday gathering or birthday party, you want them to be the one who looks bad whereas you look cool, albeit possibly a bit embarrassed. Smile awkwardly and say "I'm sorry, I thought you would love it." If you have a gift receipt, offer it to them, but otherwise, don't fall over yourself trying to offer to make it right if the gift can't be exchanged or returned.
If you have a person in your life who is always difficult about gifts, my honest recommendation is not to make the effort anymore. If they're going to snark no matter what you give them, just give them a gift card to some store that they can probably find something they like at. Stop stressing about picking or making the perfect gift for that curmudgeon and focus your attention on the people who actually appreciate the thought and effort that you put into them.
So what do you do if you get a gift that you don't like? Simple. You say "Thank you!" If you're feeling really generous and you know that the person actually thought that they picked out something good, you should maybe try to find something to praise about the item (although the problem with this is that they may then take that as encouragement to buy similarly bad gifts in the future).
I know that it's hard to deal with getting a spectacularly bad gift, especially when you've put a lot of thought into what you gave them in return, but it's wrong to treat gifts like a tit-for-tat exchange and unfortunately part of being an adult is having to put up with disappointment, instead of throwing a tantrum (although even as a kid, I didn't throw a tantrum on the year that my cousins all got awesome Legos and my brother and I got CLOTHES. Clothes! How were we supposed to play with those?). Here are some other tips for dealing with gift disappointment.
-If possible, try to find a way to actually make the gift likeable. Can it be modified somehow to be more attractive or useful?
-If it's nice but just not your style, can you regift it in such a way that the original giver will never find out? I'm not a huge fan of regifting, but sometimes it's appropriate, if you know the new receiver will actually like it.
-If it's unbelievably horrible, well, congratulations! You've got something for the next White Elephant exchange you participate in.
-Can you possibly sell it on eBay or Craig's List or through some other venue, without the giver catching on?
-Is it small enough that you can keep it around and then bring it out whenever they come over? I only recommend this tactic for gifts from grandparents who would be crushed if you didn't display the precious knick-knack that they picked out based on the idea that you are still into the same things you liked at eight years old.
-Can you trade it for something else? When I was a teenager, someone gave me a Wal-Mart gift card. There was nothing I wanted at Wal-Mart, but my parents always shopped there so they bought it off of me for cash value, allowing me to spend the money wherever I wanted on whatever I wanted (probably comic books).
-Another pro-tip for gift cards. Use them for stuff you NEED and suddenly the money that you would have spent on that is available for fun! I love getting Trader Joe's gift cards because I can buy my usual groceries (maybe with a couple extra treats) and then suddenly my weekly grocery money is available to spend on a nice dinner out instead.
-In all of these cases, remember that a gift is yours to do whatever you want with after you receive it. While you certainly shouldn't use a handmade quilt as a drop cloth when you paint your house, you also shouldn't feel guilty if you take that tacky snow globe to Goodwill.
Tired of all these holiday-themed posts? Then send me a letter about a different topic! Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Chill Out About Christmas
Hello Polite Readers!
I have a confession to make -- I don't celebrate Christmas. For me it's just a quiet day at home with my husband. Maybe we'll go out for Chinese food. And we'll respond to every "Merry Christmas" with a smile and a "you too". Do you know why? Because it's silly to get offended over someone else's well-wishes.
There are a lot of reasons to not celebrate Christmas. You might belong to a religion that celebrates a different holiday, or no holidays, or you might be living a strictly secular life (though I do know secular people who choose to observe the non-religious trappings of Christmas because they enjoy them). Those are all cool, valid reasons and you should feel free to discuss them with your friends and family if you want, but you don't really need to tell the cashier at the bookstore that you actually celebrate Channukah, and it's actually already over.
Similarly, if you do celebrate Christmas, it's silly to get offended when someone wishes you a generic "happy holidays." Accept it. After all, even if you don't celebrate Channukah or Kwanzaa or the Solstice or Festivus, you still want to be happy on those days, don't you? And on New Years Eve and New Years Day and Boxing Day and whatever else falls in December and January, right?
Remember that whenever you get offended that someone gave you the "wrong" holiday greeting, you're serving as a bad ambassador for your faith or lack thereof. Do you really want to be remembered as the mean old lady who snapped "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to a poor stressed-out postal clerk? Or would you rather keep the social engine well-lubricated by smiling and saying "Thank you, you too."
There's a time and a place for your opinions. If you are annoyed that everyone assumes you celebrate Christmas, complain about it on Facebook. Write a blog post. But don't take it out on the already stressed-out service employees who are probably just saying what their manager told them to say. This late in the season, they're probably not even thinking about it anymore, they're just counting down the days until the holiday rush is over and things get back to normal.
And so, my dear readers, I wish you a happy whatever it is that you choose to celebrate, and a great new year. I will still be writing columns on Sun and Weds even over the holidays, so if you have a question you'd like me to address, please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com.
I have a confession to make -- I don't celebrate Christmas. For me it's just a quiet day at home with my husband. Maybe we'll go out for Chinese food. And we'll respond to every "Merry Christmas" with a smile and a "you too". Do you know why? Because it's silly to get offended over someone else's well-wishes.
There are a lot of reasons to not celebrate Christmas. You might belong to a religion that celebrates a different holiday, or no holidays, or you might be living a strictly secular life (though I do know secular people who choose to observe the non-religious trappings of Christmas because they enjoy them). Those are all cool, valid reasons and you should feel free to discuss them with your friends and family if you want, but you don't really need to tell the cashier at the bookstore that you actually celebrate Channukah, and it's actually already over.
Similarly, if you do celebrate Christmas, it's silly to get offended when someone wishes you a generic "happy holidays." Accept it. After all, even if you don't celebrate Channukah or Kwanzaa or the Solstice or Festivus, you still want to be happy on those days, don't you? And on New Years Eve and New Years Day and Boxing Day and whatever else falls in December and January, right?
Remember that whenever you get offended that someone gave you the "wrong" holiday greeting, you're serving as a bad ambassador for your faith or lack thereof. Do you really want to be remembered as the mean old lady who snapped "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to a poor stressed-out postal clerk? Or would you rather keep the social engine well-lubricated by smiling and saying "Thank you, you too."
There's a time and a place for your opinions. If you are annoyed that everyone assumes you celebrate Christmas, complain about it on Facebook. Write a blog post. But don't take it out on the already stressed-out service employees who are probably just saying what their manager told them to say. This late in the season, they're probably not even thinking about it anymore, they're just counting down the days until the holiday rush is over and things get back to normal.
And so, my dear readers, I wish you a happy whatever it is that you choose to celebrate, and a great new year. I will still be writing columns on Sun and Weds even over the holidays, so if you have a question you'd like me to address, please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
No baby here!
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's column is one half advice, one half ranting. You see, as you may have noticed, I am a woman. And for some reason, when you are a woman, people tend to jump to the conclusion that you might be pregnant, no matter your relationship status or stated reproduction choices. Examples of situations where people immediately assume you have a "little bundle of joy" on the way.
-You Vaguebook with something like "I have a surprise!" or "OMG, good news but I can't tell you yet!"
-As a bellydancer, someone captures a picture of you at the bottom of an undulation down. Even the flattest belly suddenly looks like it has a "baby bump" (goodness, I hate that term) and your midriff-baring costume makes it all that much more obvious.
-You turn down drinks at a party.
-You mention that you've been sick to your stomach lately.
Men don't have to worry about this. While the first one MAY illicit some comments about impending fatherhood, it's more likely that your friends will assume that it's good news about your job or some such (although I've also noticed that my male friends Vaguebook less than my female friends, but that may also have more to do with the male/female ratio of my friends list).
I think it's the last one that annoys me the most. If a guy posts that he just threw up, his friends are either going to tease him about drinking too much, ask what he ate for dinner last night, or mention the stomach bug that is going around town. But as soon as a woman barfs, the assumption is that there's a bun in the oven! And as soon as you say "Nope, I'm not pregnant" there's the smug "Are you SURE?" response.
This is so insulting. I feel like most adult woman are pretty aware of whether or not they've recently engaged in the sort of behavior that would result in pregnancy. Sure, there's the occasional surprise birth control failure, but in general, we have a good idea of whether or not there's a chance we've conceived.
It can also be painful. It either serves as a reminder that no, actually, there's no chance that there's a baby because you've been single for so long, or even worse, no, there's no chance of having a baby because you can't conceive. Why would you want to do that to your friends and family, jokesters? It's not funny, it's insulting, it hurts. Stop it.
There's also the possibility that the lady in question is pregnant but isn't making an announcement yet because it's a high-risk pregnancy. Even in a "normal" pregnancy the couple might wait until the end of the third trimester to announce, just in case. Don't put them in the awkward position of lying and then having to come out later!
So ladies, what do you do when these oh-so-hilarious comments are directed at you? Honestly, if they're on Facebook or some sort of other social media, I'd completely ignore them. Respond to the appropriate comments while leaving the stupid ones unaddressed. In person, say something like "Of course not!" with a slightly surprised look on your face, as if you can't believe they're prying into your reproductive matters.
In the case of your parents who are desperate for grandbabies, you may need to be a little gentler. Assuming that you are, someday, planning on having children, in this case you smile and say, "Oh Mom, you know if that was the case we would have told you already. Not yet, but when it happens you'll be the first to know." Of course if you're not planning on having children and your parents know this but are in denial, you can be a little firmer. "No, we still haven't changed our mind. But look at the latest pic of your grandpuppy!"
Whatever you do, don't make the "Ha ha, only if it's an immaculate conception" joke because WOW is that one over-played. Besides, if you joke, they'll think it's OK to continue to assume that ladies must be pregnant, because that's what we do. We make babies.
Do you have your own frustrating situation that you need to rise above, looking cool and collected? Write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I will try to help you find the perfect words to say.
Today's column is one half advice, one half ranting. You see, as you may have noticed, I am a woman. And for some reason, when you are a woman, people tend to jump to the conclusion that you might be pregnant, no matter your relationship status or stated reproduction choices. Examples of situations where people immediately assume you have a "little bundle of joy" on the way.
-You Vaguebook with something like "I have a surprise!" or "OMG, good news but I can't tell you yet!"
-As a bellydancer, someone captures a picture of you at the bottom of an undulation down. Even the flattest belly suddenly looks like it has a "baby bump" (goodness, I hate that term) and your midriff-baring costume makes it all that much more obvious.
-You turn down drinks at a party.
-You mention that you've been sick to your stomach lately.
Men don't have to worry about this. While the first one MAY illicit some comments about impending fatherhood, it's more likely that your friends will assume that it's good news about your job or some such (although I've also noticed that my male friends Vaguebook less than my female friends, but that may also have more to do with the male/female ratio of my friends list).
I think it's the last one that annoys me the most. If a guy posts that he just threw up, his friends are either going to tease him about drinking too much, ask what he ate for dinner last night, or mention the stomach bug that is going around town. But as soon as a woman barfs, the assumption is that there's a bun in the oven! And as soon as you say "Nope, I'm not pregnant" there's the smug "Are you SURE?" response.
This is so insulting. I feel like most adult woman are pretty aware of whether or not they've recently engaged in the sort of behavior that would result in pregnancy. Sure, there's the occasional surprise birth control failure, but in general, we have a good idea of whether or not there's a chance we've conceived.
It can also be painful. It either serves as a reminder that no, actually, there's no chance that there's a baby because you've been single for so long, or even worse, no, there's no chance of having a baby because you can't conceive. Why would you want to do that to your friends and family, jokesters? It's not funny, it's insulting, it hurts. Stop it.
There's also the possibility that the lady in question is pregnant but isn't making an announcement yet because it's a high-risk pregnancy. Even in a "normal" pregnancy the couple might wait until the end of the third trimester to announce, just in case. Don't put them in the awkward position of lying and then having to come out later!
So ladies, what do you do when these oh-so-hilarious comments are directed at you? Honestly, if they're on Facebook or some sort of other social media, I'd completely ignore them. Respond to the appropriate comments while leaving the stupid ones unaddressed. In person, say something like "Of course not!" with a slightly surprised look on your face, as if you can't believe they're prying into your reproductive matters.
In the case of your parents who are desperate for grandbabies, you may need to be a little gentler. Assuming that you are, someday, planning on having children, in this case you smile and say, "Oh Mom, you know if that was the case we would have told you already. Not yet, but when it happens you'll be the first to know." Of course if you're not planning on having children and your parents know this but are in denial, you can be a little firmer. "No, we still haven't changed our mind. But look at the latest pic of your grandpuppy!"
Whatever you do, don't make the "Ha ha, only if it's an immaculate conception" joke because WOW is that one over-played. Besides, if you joke, they'll think it's OK to continue to assume that ladies must be pregnant, because that's what we do. We make babies.
Do you have your own frustrating situation that you need to rise above, looking cool and collected? Write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I will try to help you find the perfect words to say.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Olfactory Assault
Hello Polite Readers!
Guess what? I have apparently found the most sensitive of topics, and that topic is... body odor! I've had numerous people tell me that you can't tell someone that they have BO. Why not? Apparently it's too embarrassing.
I just don't understand this. If I was smelling things up, I would want one of my friends to discreetly let me know, instead of having everyone talk about it behind my back. I see it as being the same as having spinach in your teeth or your skirt tucked into your panty hose. Other people disagree, because BO is often a chronic problem, rather than a quick one-time fix. But I still think it's appropriate to bring it up.
I've heard a few arguments against bringing it up, like:
"But it's so embarrassing!"
You know what's embarrassing? When you finally find out that for weeks/months/years people have been talking about your odor behind your back because no one was brave enough or nice enough to tell you.
"They probably already know."
Actually, people become desensitized to smells. It's why cat owners don't realize their house smells like litter box, women think they need more perfume than they do, and evil smokers don't believe me when I say I have to wash my hair three times to get their stink out of my hair. Plus some people just don't have a good sense of smell.
"Maybe it's a medical problem."
Maybe it is. Maybe they can't do anything about it. But if you go to them, they can say "Oh man, I'm so sorry, I have this condition. I didn't realize it was so bad." Then you can quietly spread the word to the rest of the group that you spoke to the olfactory offender and they are doing the best they can.
Look. No one is going to die of embarrassment if two people have a talk about how one of them smells bad. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, I am actually going to advise that you do it over phone or e-mail rather than in a public place (if you two can meet in a private place like your home, then you can do it face to face if you're brave enough), so neither of you has to squirm in front of strangers. And here's what I'd say:
Hopefully that will work. Or you may find that your friend is one of those people who doesn't use deodorant because they think it causes cancer, in which case maybe you can convince them to wear air fresheners under their arms or something. Note: don't actually try that, it isn't polite. Other things to not do:
Say "No, I don't want to sit next to you, you smell bad!" How horrible rude and blunt.
Chase them around with Febreeze.
Bring up the subject if you're not the sort of close acquaintance who can do so from a place of genuine concern for your friend's social well-being. Having bad body odor can be detrimental to one's career, love life, and friendships.
Do you have an even more sensitive topic for me to cover? E-mail it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll give it my best answer!
Guess what? I have apparently found the most sensitive of topics, and that topic is... body odor! I've had numerous people tell me that you can't tell someone that they have BO. Why not? Apparently it's too embarrassing.
I just don't understand this. If I was smelling things up, I would want one of my friends to discreetly let me know, instead of having everyone talk about it behind my back. I see it as being the same as having spinach in your teeth or your skirt tucked into your panty hose. Other people disagree, because BO is often a chronic problem, rather than a quick one-time fix. But I still think it's appropriate to bring it up.
I've heard a few arguments against bringing it up, like:
"But it's so embarrassing!"
You know what's embarrassing? When you finally find out that for weeks/months/years people have been talking about your odor behind your back because no one was brave enough or nice enough to tell you.
"They probably already know."
Actually, people become desensitized to smells. It's why cat owners don't realize their house smells like litter box, women think they need more perfume than they do, and evil smokers don't believe me when I say I have to wash my hair three times to get their stink out of my hair. Plus some people just don't have a good sense of smell.
"Maybe it's a medical problem."
Maybe it is. Maybe they can't do anything about it. But if you go to them, they can say "Oh man, I'm so sorry, I have this condition. I didn't realize it was so bad." Then you can quietly spread the word to the rest of the group that you spoke to the olfactory offender and they are doing the best they can.
Look. No one is going to die of embarrassment if two people have a talk about how one of them smells bad. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, I am actually going to advise that you do it over phone or e-mail rather than in a public place (if you two can meet in a private place like your home, then you can do it face to face if you're brave enough), so neither of you has to squirm in front of strangers. And here's what I'd say:
Hey, I hate to be the one to bring this up, and there's no non-awkward way to say it, but I've noticed that you have a bit of an odor problem. Maybe you're already aware of it and you're doing everything you can, in which case I apologize for bringing it up. But if this is news to you, maybe it's just time to try a new deodorant. I use <X Brand> and it's pretty good. Just don't buy Axe, that stuff is worse than BO. I also know some good body washes and colognes, if you're interested.
Hopefully that will work. Or you may find that your friend is one of those people who doesn't use deodorant because they think it causes cancer, in which case maybe you can convince them to wear air fresheners under their arms or something. Note: don't actually try that, it isn't polite. Other things to not do:
Say "No, I don't want to sit next to you, you smell bad!" How horrible rude and blunt.
Chase them around with Febreeze.
Bring up the subject if you're not the sort of close acquaintance who can do so from a place of genuine concern for your friend's social well-being. Having bad body odor can be detrimental to one's career, love life, and friendships.
Do you have an even more sensitive topic for me to cover? E-mail it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll give it my best answer!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thanksgiving Dinner Quick Tips!
Hello Polite Readers!
Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow (for those of us in the USA), I thought I would help you prepare for tomorrow with a couple of quick holiday dinner questions from my friends. First:
Dealing with politics at the dinner table over family-driven holidays
Don't you hate this? You know that certain members of your family (maybe all of them, maybe just the entire older generation, or maybe just your one uncle) feel differently than you do, but you love them, so you don't bring it up. You discuss politely neutral things. You let them know how your work or school is doing, share a funny story about what your cat did the other day, and laugh at their corny jokes. Everything is going fine when suddenly, someone brings up the election! Oh no! There goes everything!
Here is my method for dealing with any and all unwelcome conversation topics (whether they be controversial or stomach turning). Smile sweetly, say "I don't really think that's appropriate for the dinner table. Oh, did you hear that there's a new baby anteater at the zoo?" It's important to throw in that subject change, so they don't have time to argue the appropriateness. You do not want to talk about the electoral college, you want to talk about baby anteaters.
Avoiding foods that are "family recipes" that you just have to try even though it is something you dislike, or have tried before and don't want a repeat experience.
Being an adult is awesome. Oh sure, you have to go to work, and pay the bills, and you probably don't get to watch a lot of Saturday morning cartoons, and the junk food you used to like tastes disgusting to you now, but there are definite perks. For instance, no one can make you eat anything! No one can say that you can't have pie unless you try the casserole made of canned soup and dehydrated onions.
Of course, people will still try, so when someone is trying to force you to eat cold borscht, smile and say "No thank you." If they keep pressing, then say "Oh, I'm afraid borscht doesn't agree with me." They don't need to know that it disagrees with your taste buds and not your stomach. If they seem too upset, soften the blow with a little "But it looks lovely/smells nice/has rave reviews from uncle Dmitri so I'm sure it's great."
I hope that helps, and that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Don't forget to write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com if you have a topic you'd like to see me address.
Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow (for those of us in the USA), I thought I would help you prepare for tomorrow with a couple of quick holiday dinner questions from my friends. First:
Dealing with politics at the dinner table over family-driven holidays
Don't you hate this? You know that certain members of your family (maybe all of them, maybe just the entire older generation, or maybe just your one uncle) feel differently than you do, but you love them, so you don't bring it up. You discuss politely neutral things. You let them know how your work or school is doing, share a funny story about what your cat did the other day, and laugh at their corny jokes. Everything is going fine when suddenly, someone brings up the election! Oh no! There goes everything!
Here is my method for dealing with any and all unwelcome conversation topics (whether they be controversial or stomach turning). Smile sweetly, say "I don't really think that's appropriate for the dinner table. Oh, did you hear that there's a new baby anteater at the zoo?" It's important to throw in that subject change, so they don't have time to argue the appropriateness. You do not want to talk about the electoral college, you want to talk about baby anteaters.
Avoiding foods that are "family recipes" that you just have to try even though it is something you dislike, or have tried before and don't want a repeat experience.
Being an adult is awesome. Oh sure, you have to go to work, and pay the bills, and you probably don't get to watch a lot of Saturday morning cartoons, and the junk food you used to like tastes disgusting to you now, but there are definite perks. For instance, no one can make you eat anything! No one can say that you can't have pie unless you try the casserole made of canned soup and dehydrated onions.
Of course, people will still try, so when someone is trying to force you to eat cold borscht, smile and say "No thank you." If they keep pressing, then say "Oh, I'm afraid borscht doesn't agree with me." They don't need to know that it disagrees with your taste buds and not your stomach. If they seem too upset, soften the blow with a little "But it looks lovely/smells nice/has rave reviews from uncle Dmitri so I'm sure it's great."
I hope that helps, and that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Don't forget to write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com if you have a topic you'd like to see me address.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Feed your guests!
Hello Polite Readers!
Ok, I try not to play favorites around here, but today's column is the funniest request I've ever gotten. Please enjoy my friend Carapace's tale of Halloween Party Woe:
I feel okay about laughing at this, because Cara and her gal pals were not only saved from starvation, but they had possibly the Most Awesome Dinner Ever! Zombie-themed Vietnamese food? I know what I want for lunch.
Now don't get me wrong. Bacon and cupcakes are two things that I do love, but not really together, and they're certainly not enough for a 6 hour party which happens to start during prime dinner time. Also, no drinks? Bacon is salty, you need something to wash it down with! Your friend clearly has no idea how to throw a party, and I'm not sure why he would even want to host one. Does he have a new home and he wanted to show off? Is his place centrally located? Does he have the largest place? Did he have an awesome theme for a Halloween party but forgot that people like to eat?
I also get that it's expensive to throw a party. That's why it's OK to have a potluck, or why you either throw your party in the middle of the afternoon (after lunch, before dinner), or late at night (well after dinner) so that there's no expectation of a meal.
So how can you explain to your friend that he should have fed you? You can't just say "Dude, seriously, order a pizza next time!" but you can approach him in a friendly, slightly teasing, helpful manner. Write something like this:
Keep it casual. Minimize the complaint about NO FOOD (which is seriously horrible, I would have started eating guests. Hungry AJ makes irrational decisions) and focus on the fact that next time his friends could bring LOTS OF FOOD. I also suggested mentioning a good thing or two, because that way he doesn't feel like he's horrible at hosting parties and a lousy friend. Although if you can't think of anything good to say, it's probably a good sign that you should decline his next invitation.
Do you have a party horror story to tell, and a related question to ask? Please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com so we can all share in your misery and figure out how to make it better next time.
Ok, I try not to play favorites around here, but today's column is the funniest request I've ever gotten. Please enjoy my friend Carapace's tale of Halloween Party Woe:
Y'all, the friend throwing it? He had no food for it. NONE. Not even sodas. One tiny eggtray of 12 mini-cupcakes. That was IT. When we and the other people attending called to ask if we should bring anything, he said "Bring whatever you want!" which, you know, normal humans hear as "Bring anything you'd especially like, maybe some soda or chips or something".
His whole food plan was to cook up some bacon later in the night and share it out. Oh, and that package of cupcakes. *headdesk*
And did I mention this party was running from 6 pm or so until midnight? Yyyyep. This guy, I swear, I ever meet the parents who raised him I'm gonna shake 'em til their teeth rattle.
But! Because of this, I and the other two women at the party wound up going to a nearby Vietnamese restaurant, and they had a whole zombie dinner theme going! Like three different specials written up all Hammer-movie style (I had the Crawling Horror Basil Shrimp, with Witch's Brew Soup (something like a thick, sesame-heavy sweet and sour) and Shredded Heads Salad (cabbage salad, with some sort of sweet read sauce). It was fantastic! And when we got back the guys had eaten the bacon and cupcakes and were satisfied with that. *eyeroll*
But, AJ, I think I need a Politely Worded Letter explaining to my friend that throwing a party with NO provisions is Not Okay.:P
I feel okay about laughing at this, because Cara and her gal pals were not only saved from starvation, but they had possibly the Most Awesome Dinner Ever! Zombie-themed Vietnamese food? I know what I want for lunch.
Now don't get me wrong. Bacon and cupcakes are two things that I do love, but not really together, and they're certainly not enough for a 6 hour party which happens to start during prime dinner time. Also, no drinks? Bacon is salty, you need something to wash it down with! Your friend clearly has no idea how to throw a party, and I'm not sure why he would even want to host one. Does he have a new home and he wanted to show off? Is his place centrally located? Does he have the largest place? Did he have an awesome theme for a Halloween party but forgot that people like to eat?
I also get that it's expensive to throw a party. That's why it's OK to have a potluck, or why you either throw your party in the middle of the afternoon (after lunch, before dinner), or late at night (well after dinner) so that there's no expectation of a meal.
So how can you explain to your friend that he should have fed you? You can't just say "Dude, seriously, order a pizza next time!" but you can approach him in a friendly, slightly teasing, helpful manner. Write something like this:
Hey friend, we had a great time at your party on Halloween! <insert something you especially enjoyed> The only problem was that since the party started at 6, we didn't have time to eat dinner before we came and we were expecting to be able to munch on snacks. That's why a few of us had to leave in the middle, we were starving. You know, next time you can totally make it a potluck and I'm sure we'd all be happy to bring something. I could have whipped up some meringues! Don't feel bad asking people to contribute, we all know how it goes. Anyway, thanks again for hosting, loved your costume!
Keep it casual. Minimize the complaint about NO FOOD (which is seriously horrible, I would have started eating guests. Hungry AJ makes irrational decisions) and focus on the fact that next time his friends could bring LOTS OF FOOD. I also suggested mentioning a good thing or two, because that way he doesn't feel like he's horrible at hosting parties and a lousy friend. Although if you can't think of anything good to say, it's probably a good sign that you should decline his next invitation.
Do you have a party horror story to tell, and a related question to ask? Please send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com so we can all share in your misery and figure out how to make it better next time.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Please let me grieve
Hello Polite Readers!
I hate to be a downer, but today's topic is serious and sad. It's about how people deal with the fact that you're in mourning, and the platitudes they give you. You know the ones:
I have to admit, when I hear or read this sort of thing, it makes me want to say things that are not exactly polite. While this sort of sentiment may be welcome to the religious, and give them solace while they grieve, it can also be somewhat condescending, especially to the non-religious.
Let's face it... for the most part, when we grieve, we are not sad for the deceased. We either believe that they are in a better place and not sad, or that they are completely gone and incapable of sadness (I guess you may be sad for the deceased if you believe in reincarnation and suspect that their life choices will result in being bumped down to a less-savory life on their next turn of the wheel, but I'm not familiar enough with those belief systems to really say. Would someone like to chime in?). Regardless of what you believe, you're sad for yourself, because the person you love is gone. You're sad for the spouse, children, parents, siblings and friends they left behind. You're sad because you can't explain to your one dog where your other dog has gone. You are sad because you already bought the perfect Christmas present and now you'll never give it to them. You're mourning that hole in your life, and all the lost possibilities it represents.
Those who are on the outside, who know you but not the deceased, are often at a loss on how to react (especially for those of us who are a little younger and haven't had as much experience with grief), and that's when stupid things get said. This is not to excuse their stupidity, only to explain it. When faced with grief, there is really only one appropriate response:
If you knew the deceased, you can put something nice about them in the middle of that statement. "He was such a good man" or "She was a great dog, I loved taking her for walks with you." But that's really all you need to say. Don't add any of the above religious sentiments unless you genuinely believe it AND you know that the mourner feels the same way. This is not an either/or situation, both conditions must be met. Do not express false sentiments, and do not insult the mourner by applying your morality to them. Oh, and it should go without saying that don't you dare ever, ever say that the deceased is going to hell because of their bad life. If you do that, I will give you the most Politely Worded tearing down that has ever been given.
Oh, but what if you are the mourner on the receiving end of this empty sentiment? Well, for one thing, you're in mourning. You may say pretty much whatever you want, though do your best not to say anything that you might regret once you are on the road back to happiness. Don't suggest that someone do something anatomically impossible, no matter how tempting it may be. Sometimes the best response is a cool, icy look while saying nothing (or on FB, acknowledging all of the heartfelt wishes and ignoring the stupid ones).
I hope that none of you need this advice any time soon. I hope that you suffer no painful losses, and if you do, that those around you treat you with love and respect during your grief.
Do you have your own sticky situation that needs a Politely Worded response? Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may answer it on this blog!
I hate to be a downer, but today's topic is serious and sad. It's about how people deal with the fact that you're in mourning, and the platitudes they give you. You know the ones:
"He's in a better place now."
"Granny is with Grandpa now and they're both smiling at you from heaven."
"She's with God now."
"Fluffy will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge!"
I have to admit, when I hear or read this sort of thing, it makes me want to say things that are not exactly polite. While this sort of sentiment may be welcome to the religious, and give them solace while they grieve, it can also be somewhat condescending, especially to the non-religious.
Let's face it... for the most part, when we grieve, we are not sad for the deceased. We either believe that they are in a better place and not sad, or that they are completely gone and incapable of sadness (I guess you may be sad for the deceased if you believe in reincarnation and suspect that their life choices will result in being bumped down to a less-savory life on their next turn of the wheel, but I'm not familiar enough with those belief systems to really say. Would someone like to chime in?). Regardless of what you believe, you're sad for yourself, because the person you love is gone. You're sad for the spouse, children, parents, siblings and friends they left behind. You're sad because you can't explain to your one dog where your other dog has gone. You are sad because you already bought the perfect Christmas present and now you'll never give it to them. You're mourning that hole in your life, and all the lost possibilities it represents.
Those who are on the outside, who know you but not the deceased, are often at a loss on how to react (especially for those of us who are a little younger and haven't had as much experience with grief), and that's when stupid things get said. This is not to excuse their stupidity, only to explain it. When faced with grief, there is really only one appropriate response:
"I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?"
If you knew the deceased, you can put something nice about them in the middle of that statement. "He was such a good man" or "She was a great dog, I loved taking her for walks with you." But that's really all you need to say. Don't add any of the above religious sentiments unless you genuinely believe it AND you know that the mourner feels the same way. This is not an either/or situation, both conditions must be met. Do not express false sentiments, and do not insult the mourner by applying your morality to them. Oh, and it should go without saying that don't you dare ever, ever say that the deceased is going to hell because of their bad life. If you do that, I will give you the most Politely Worded tearing down that has ever been given.
Oh, but what if you are the mourner on the receiving end of this empty sentiment? Well, for one thing, you're in mourning. You may say pretty much whatever you want, though do your best not to say anything that you might regret once you are on the road back to happiness. Don't suggest that someone do something anatomically impossible, no matter how tempting it may be. Sometimes the best response is a cool, icy look while saying nothing (or on FB, acknowledging all of the heartfelt wishes and ignoring the stupid ones).
I hope that none of you need this advice any time soon. I hope that you suffer no painful losses, and if you do, that those around you treat you with love and respect during your grief.
Do you have your own sticky situation that needs a Politely Worded response? Email me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may answer it on this blog!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
On giving and receiving RSVPs
Hello Polite Readers!
Today's topic comes to us via a special request from one of my belly dance friends! She's asked me to talk about Facebook RSVPs and how little respect we all show for them, and how to politely address that when you're hosting an event.
I have to admit, I have a bad habit of saying that I will attend an event via Facebook, and then deciding the day of that I actually don't feel like leaving the house. This is very rude of me and I'm trying to train myself to use the "Maybe" function more often and to better honor the commitments that I do make. We all tend to take Facebook events less seriously than we take events that we receive paper invitations for -- and that's saying something, because I've read a lot about traditional invites getting ignored, too.
When you say "Yes" to a casual event like "Hey, I'm having a potluck, come if you can!" and then don't show up, it's rude and disappointing but the host isn't out much. When you say "Yes" to a major event that the host has to put a lot of money and effort into, such as a sit-down dinner or a dance workshop, you have wasted your friend's resources and possibly made them look bad. Likewise, if you ether say "No" or don't respond and then show up anyway, you run the risk of the host not being able to accommodate you, and then you both feel awkward.
As a hostess, I've been on the receiving end of this many times. I used to organize a restaurant dinner for out-of-town visitors to the Tucson gem show. Every year, I would have some guests not show up, and others show up without having RSVP'ed, or show up with other guests in tow. Sometimes it would balance out, other times we would have a few empty chairs in an otherwise packed restaurant, or we'd have the servers scrambling to try to make extra room. Either way, I always felt like a bit of a jerk for not having the number I told them (especially since sometimes I would have called the day-of to adjust the reservation due to sudden changes).
So, let's all try to honor our RSVPs, and let's remember to apologize when something unavoidable comes up (illness, family emergency, dead car) to keep us from attending.
Now, hosts, how can you politely stress the importance of a proper headcount? I have received some very pushy invites in the past that left me feeling like my very presence was going to be an inconvenience. No one wants to feel that way! You want to be firm but gentle, and always with a friendly tone. For instance, for a dinner party, consider something like this:
For a workshop or performance sort of situation where it is not just your resources and time on the line, but also that of the teacher and performer(s) who may be coming in from out of town, you may need to not only require a RSVP but also a monetary deposit. I will almost never skip an event that I have already paid for, unless I am deathly ill. Pre-selling tickets or workshop slots allows you to judge whether there is actually enough interest in the event you'd like to host. Consider offering a small discount to early birds (even $5 off is usually enough to get me to buy early), or if you can't afford that, consider offering some other perk -- early birds might get front-row seats, or maybe if they purchase their workshop spot within the first two weeks of pre-sales, they're entered into a drawing for a free copy of the teacher's latest DVD.
In your event description, just make it sweet and to the point:
When people are concerned that an event they dearly want to attend will get canceled, they will not only purchase their spot ASAP, they'll also try to get their friends who are on the fence to sign up. Even after you've reached your minimum, you can post the occasional reminder: "One month until this great series of workshops! Act now before it sells out!" Always keep the tone breezy. Do not start with the guilt-trip if sales are slower than you expected. No one likes the reek of desperation!
In summation, with a little more mutual respect and a little gentle prodding and kind wording, we can all work together as hosts and guests to make fun, successful events.
Today's topic comes to us via a special request from one of my belly dance friends! She's asked me to talk about Facebook RSVPs and how little respect we all show for them, and how to politely address that when you're hosting an event.
I have to admit, I have a bad habit of saying that I will attend an event via Facebook, and then deciding the day of that I actually don't feel like leaving the house. This is very rude of me and I'm trying to train myself to use the "Maybe" function more often and to better honor the commitments that I do make. We all tend to take Facebook events less seriously than we take events that we receive paper invitations for -- and that's saying something, because I've read a lot about traditional invites getting ignored, too.
When you say "Yes" to a casual event like "Hey, I'm having a potluck, come if you can!" and then don't show up, it's rude and disappointing but the host isn't out much. When you say "Yes" to a major event that the host has to put a lot of money and effort into, such as a sit-down dinner or a dance workshop, you have wasted your friend's resources and possibly made them look bad. Likewise, if you ether say "No" or don't respond and then show up anyway, you run the risk of the host not being able to accommodate you, and then you both feel awkward.
As a hostess, I've been on the receiving end of this many times. I used to organize a restaurant dinner for out-of-town visitors to the Tucson gem show. Every year, I would have some guests not show up, and others show up without having RSVP'ed, or show up with other guests in tow. Sometimes it would balance out, other times we would have a few empty chairs in an otherwise packed restaurant, or we'd have the servers scrambling to try to make extra room. Either way, I always felt like a bit of a jerk for not having the number I told them (especially since sometimes I would have called the day-of to adjust the reservation due to sudden changes).
So, let's all try to honor our RSVPs, and let's remember to apologize when something unavoidable comes up (illness, family emergency, dead car) to keep us from attending.
Now, hosts, how can you politely stress the importance of a proper headcount? I have received some very pushy invites in the past that left me feeling like my very presence was going to be an inconvenience. No one wants to feel that way! You want to be firm but gentle, and always with a friendly tone. For instance, for a dinner party, consider something like this:
Dear Guests, I need a final headcount by Friday so that I can make the reservations (or go buy the steaks). Please RSVP for yourself and anyone you'll be bringing. Thank you!
For a workshop or performance sort of situation where it is not just your resources and time on the line, but also that of the teacher and performer(s) who may be coming in from out of town, you may need to not only require a RSVP but also a monetary deposit. I will almost never skip an event that I have already paid for, unless I am deathly ill. Pre-selling tickets or workshop slots allows you to judge whether there is actually enough interest in the event you'd like to host. Consider offering a small discount to early birds (even $5 off is usually enough to get me to buy early), or if you can't afford that, consider offering some other perk -- early birds might get front-row seats, or maybe if they purchase their workshop spot within the first two weeks of pre-sales, they're entered into a drawing for a free copy of the teacher's latest DVD.
In your event description, just make it sweet and to the point:
We need a minimum of 10 attendants to bring Sophia Ravenna to Phoenix! Please purchase your workshops and show tickets now to ensure that we can bring this performer to our community. Tell all your friends!(Yeah, I used my own stage name there. No, I do not actually teach workshops)
When people are concerned that an event they dearly want to attend will get canceled, they will not only purchase their spot ASAP, they'll also try to get their friends who are on the fence to sign up. Even after you've reached your minimum, you can post the occasional reminder: "One month until this great series of workshops! Act now before it sells out!" Always keep the tone breezy. Do not start with the guilt-trip if sales are slower than you expected. No one likes the reek of desperation!
In summation, with a little more mutual respect and a little gentle prodding and kind wording, we can all work together as hosts and guests to make fun, successful events.
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