When people want to stand in the way of your dreams

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's letter is a bit of a heart-breaker for me. An anonymous friend (I'm going to dub him Rhys, because I'm in a Welsh mood) writes:

When I was 18 I had the chance to move to LA and live my dream by working for my favorite dance company. I ended up turning it down because my mother said she needed help taking care of my brothers. A few years later I decided to move to Chicago and stuck to my goals. It got UGLY between us and several other members of my family that didn't want me to move. I returned to Tucson and to be honest, I just know it's not for me. Now the dance company in LA is offering me a second chance and I'm ready to take it. I just know everyone is going to freak out and try to persuade me against it again. Any advice to negate fights about the topic?

Oh, Rhys Rhys Rhys, please don't let anyone talk you out of this. You had a rare chance to follow your dreams and you gave it up for family. Now you're being offered a second chance, not at a different dream, but at the same one you turned down before. How often does that happen? Never, that's how often. If you believe in any sort of higher power, you'd have to also believe that said higher power was bludgeoning you over the head with the message "Follow your dreams!!!"

Sadly, you're not the first person I've known whose family seemed determined to keep them where they were. Well, I'm here to tell you that you're an adult and no one can tell you where to live or what to do. Your brothers are not your children. It is not your responsibility to help your mother raise them. Few things break my heart more than seeing an older sibling forced to give up their life to take care of their younger siblings.

So how do you tell your family that you're going for it, you're moving to LA to follow your dreams? You know I'm going to tell you to be firm and polite, right? Ok, good. Let's do it.

Mom, I've decided I'm going to move to LA. Dream Dance Co has offered me a job again, and honestly, there's no opportunity anything like it here in Tucson. If I don't jump on this now, I may never get another chance. The job starts next month, and I'm going to head out a week or two early to get settled into a new place. I've already been looking at some apartments...

 Obviously tweak the facts I gave to fit your actual situation, but you get the idea. Don't ask for permission, make a statement. You are moving. You do have a job lined up. You're looking for a place to live. You have a date and a plan and everything. You are doing this thing, and you're doing her the courtesy of letting her know what's going on.

Other family members don't even need more than that. Just tell them you're moving. Or tell them after you move. I may not be the best person to ask about that, honestly. If not for Facebook I wouldn't be in touch with any of my extended family. If you're super close (although really, why be super close with people who want to crush your dreams?), you may want to give them a pared-down version of what you give your mother.

And then there's your brothers. I don't know how old they are, and I'm not good with kids, but you'll need to give them some age-appropriate chat. Obviously they survived you moving to Chicago for a time, so they can handle this. Especially since LA isn't that far from Tucson, maybe they can come for visits. Surely you'll come back for holidays. And modern technology makes it really easy to stay in touch, so I'm sure you can set up some video chats or XBox live gaming or something to let your little brothers feel like they're still part of your life.

Of course, if your family has given you push-back in the past, they'll probably not be stopped immediately by your firm announcement that you're moving. So when they bring up some sort of complaint, say "I understand your concern, but I've given this a lot of thought and I'm going." Don't explain yourself any more than that. If they try to start a fight, do your best to extricate yourself from it. Change the subject. If that doesn't work, hang up the phone or walk out of the room.

By the way, I know someone who did what you're thinking of doing, and he wasn't exactly polite when he told his parents he was doing what he wanted no matter what, and things were ugly for a bit... but they got better. There's hope for you, Rhys. Be polite. Stand your ground. Make compromises where you can (ie, promise to call your mom every week/other day/day, whatever, but don't let her berate you when you do call), but follow your dreams. Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

Do you have a situation that's left you at a loss for words? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column.

Back off, he's mine!

Hello Polite Readers,

This week's topic is a doozy. What do you do when you're in a committed relationship, and a friend who you both socialize with clearly has a crush on your mate? Of course our natural reaction is to say something along the lines of the title of this post. "Back off!" or "Get your own man!" but that's not really polite, now is it? But you want to say or do something, because inaction can seem like approval.

Relationship advice isn't really my specialty, so I'm going to suggest that if you're worried about setting boundaries with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that you go seek out someone who really knows their stuff. This will be all about handling the crusher.

Example 1: The Serial Crusher

This person develops a crush on just about anyone that shows attention to them and is of the gender they find attractive, regardless of how much they have in common or whether the crushee has done anything to encourage them. They may maintain simultaneous crushes on every applicable person in their vicinity, or they may bounce from dreamboat to dreamboat. Either way, don't stress much about this person because it's not personal and they probably won't do anything more than flirt shamelessly. At some point, you or your SO may need to say "Oh hey, not interested" but otherwise if you both ignore the flirtation and the crushee doesn't flirt back, it should die down.

Example 2: The One Who Flat-Out Admits It

Is there anything ickier than when someone tells you that your spouse is so hot that they rate right along this person's celebrity crush? I mean sure, it's a compliment to your ability to land a hot mate (I guess?), but when that person always talks about their fantasies about said celebrity crush, you really don't want to think about them having similar thoughts about your spouse. When someone says something like this to you, I would not at all blame you if you say something along the lines of "Ha ha, yeah, I'm glad he's mine." Put a slight emphasis on the mine even. Or if applicable, say, "Yeah, but Hunky McHunkerson is actually single" while leaving the "and my man isn't" silently hanging there.

Example 3: The One Who Wants You Both

Another awkward situation for the strictly monogamous couple is when you realize that a single friend or another couple is trying to broach the subject of a three-way or partner swap. If they're being subtle about it, be equally subtle by casually mentioning how you're not at all bisexual, or how you're amazed that such-and-such is successfully managing an open relationship, because you can't imagine being with anyone other than your spouse right now. If they bring it up outright, let them down gently, because you're still friends after all. "Ewwww no, that's gross" is not appropriate. A small smile and something along the lines of "We're flattered, but that's not the sort of relationship we want to have" and then change the subject.

Side note: This advice assumes that you're not into it. If you are, that's another one where you'll want to seek out the advice of an actual expert on how to do it right.

Example 4: The One Who Thinks They're Totally Subtle

This person doesn't do anything as blatant as sending you texts about how hot your spouse is. They didn't drunkenly kiss your boyfriend on New Year's Eve and then claim not to remember it the next day. But it's still obvious that they're crushing on your mate, because somehow at every party they end up sitting next to him or her. There's constant IM or FB conversations, not about anything sexual, but with a certain level of emotional intimacy. They bring little presents for your spouse, remember their birthday and favorite color. While the crush may have originally been fostered by some shared interests, now they're suddenly into his favorite band, her favorite TV show, and reading all the same books.

This is the most annoying thing, because if you complain, suddenly you're the unreasonable, jealous one. After all, nothing is actually happening, and don't you trust their mate? YOU have opposite-sex friends, why can't they? Ugh. You're left to either pretend you're fine with a situation that makes you uncomfortable and wait for it to inevitably fall apart one way or another, or you get to look like the bad guy when you "force" your spouse to dial-back the friendship.

So what do you do? First you go find that good advice on dealing with your spouse, and you have a conversation about how s/he needs to set some boundaries with the crusher and they can't hang out alone together. Be prepared to hear all of the above things and more. It may turn into a fight. People don't like it when they think they're being told who they can and cannot be friends with, even if they don't return the crush and you aren't saying they can't be friends, you're just saying dial it back a notch.

Next, talk with the crusher. Don't be accusatory, give them the benefit of the doubt. "I'm sure you don't mean it that way but lately some of your behavior towards Lee has been pretty flirtatious and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea." I mean gosh, wouldn't it be so embarrassing if someone else noticed and came to you to warn you that your SO might be cheating? Let that idea sink in.

At times, it may be possible and appropriate to re-direct, too. Maybe the person crushing on your SO is lonely and really drawn to people like your partner, and maybe you guys just happen to have another friend who is single and shares a lot of the same qualities that makes your mate so attractive. Have a big party. Invite them both. Let them know that they both love Battlestar Galactica. Maybe sparks will fly! Or maybe it will at least remind the crusher that there are other fish in the sea, and they shouldn't go after one who has already been hooked.

Do you have an awkward situation you need help addressing? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in one of my upcoming columns!

Criticism Sandwich

Hello Polite Readers!

Every now and then we find ourselves in the position where we have to offer polite criticism. And there's nothing wrong with that! I think sometimes people are too afraid of saying anything critical, lest they hurt feelings. But the truth is that without criticism, it's very hard to grow as an artist because we don't know what we need to do better (as an artist I tend to focus on artists in this blog, but of course you might also have to give constructive criticism in an academic or professional situation).

My favorite method, which I have seen recommended in various places, is the criticism sandwich. Some people call it a compliment sandwich, but that's silly because sandwiches are named after their filling, not their bread. You might also see it called by a more vulgar name, but this is a family-friendly blog. The criticism sandwich is very simple: First, you say something nice, then you offer your criticism (but phrased politely and with a suggestion on how to fix it), then you top it off with something else nice. As an example, if a friend sent you the first few chapters of your book and you felt that the dialog was really wooden, you would present it this way:

First, the bottom slice of tasty sourdough bread -- "The story sucked me in right away!"

Then the gooey cheese in the middle -- "But the dialog felt a little awkward at times and pulled me out of the narration. I think you should really focus on how the conversations flow when you do your second draft."

Lastly, the second slice of delicious bread -- "The fast-paced action scene in chapter two was amazing, by the way! I can't wait to read what happens next!"

You may have noticed that my sandwich is grilled cheese. I love grilled cheese.

If you stick to this simple format, you can avoid hurting the feelings of all but the most thin-skinned creative types. You can also use it on yourself. My dance teacher once had us do this as a practice in class.  We had to give ourselves criticism sandwiches, not because we had to learn to criticize ourselves but because we had to learn to be nice to ourselves. So instead of saying "Argh, I'm so frustrated, my shimmies suck!" We could say to ourselves, "I have great posture. My shimmies aren't very good right now so I should practice them every day this week. I'm also really happy with how my turns are progressing." I think that this is such a beautiful way to treat yourself. It's hard to get depressed about what you're struggling with when at the same time you remind yourself of what you're doing right.

Do you have an awkward situation that you need help with? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in my next column!

Correcting people on the internet

This comic is constantly referenced in my house. Visit XKCD for more great comics.

Hello Polite Readers,

Oh goodness, I gave in and added an image. I couldn't resist, this comic is just so perfect for today's topic, which is about how to be polite when correcting misinformation on Facebook and other internet forums.

Now that we live in a world where we're constantly connected to almost everyone we know via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Pinterest, Tumblr and more, we're also constantly bombarded with their opinions about everything. And sometimes, we find that the people we know are just plain wrong. Next thing you know, you've spent the entire day arguing with them and five of their like-minded friends, and you have nothing to show for it.

Personally, I don't really like to argue on-line anymore. I got burned by too many people who were not at all interested in my politely stated facts and just decided to insult me. I do still occasionally get into it with people over something I feel especially strong over, or when people are spreading clear misinformation, but otherwise I avoid it. Here are my guidelines for when Someone is WRONG on the Internet:

1. Is it fact or opinion? It's very hard to change people's opinions by arguing on Facebook. But if you're polite, you can usually correct people about facts. Say things like "Actually, that study has since been proven to be based on bad data" or "I'm sorry, as much as I wish it were true, this one is an urban legend."

2. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if your uncle believes that Microsoft will give him a million dollars for forwarding an e-mail. On the other hand, it does matter if someone is spreading dangerous misinformation about treating the flu with lead paint (I think I managed to make up something so ridiculous that no one has actually suggested it and no one will be offended, right?).

3. Do you feel confident in your argument? If you don't have a really informed opinion and reliable sources to back you up, don't jump into the fray. "Actually, I heard someplace that Donald Trump's toupee is made of kittens" is not as strong as "Here is a five page expose on the wig factory that uses 100% kitten fur."

4. Will it make things awkward? Arguing with a distant family member who you see every few years is not a big deal, but getting into a political debate with your parents before Mother's Day brunch might make for a sulky family meal. Likewise, arguing with your troupemates might lead to sore feelings at the next practice, and arguing where would-be customers and clients can see it may cost you business.

5. Can you stay calm? There are some things I never get into arguments about because I am SO passionate about them that I will get myself so wound up that I can't even function for the rest of the day. Even if I manage to remain polite in my posts, I stomp around the house buzzing with anxious energy, just wishing I could say what I really want to, wishing the other person wasn't being so dense. It's unfair when those around you have to suffer the results of your arguments.

Over all, it's a complicated subject. Sometimes it feels like by not arguing with people, you're tacitly agreeing with them. Sometimes the answer is to make an opposing post of your own on your Facebook or blog, but that can look passive aggressive and cowardly. So choose which soapbox you're going to stand on, and make sure that whatever you say is polite, well-informed, and has plenty of sources to back it up. Good luck out there.

Is there a situation where you struggle to keep your cool? Send me a letter at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll do my best to advise you on how to be calm and collected.

The Politely Worded Guide to Blogging

Hello Polite Readers!

Recently some of my fellow business-ladies have complained about how hard it is to maintain a blog. As someone who has three blogs of her own and writes occasional content for other blogs and ezines, I understand. Even if you have a lot to say like I do, the well can eventually run dry. And if you're not a natural writer, it can be hard to know what to say. To that end, I thought I'd write a little post containing my thoughts on how to keep your blog professional, polite, and fun!

Note: I blog a lot but I am not a "social media expert". If you are looking for advice on maximizing the SEO potential of your blog, you are definitely in the wrong place. I am just a wordsmith and I am here to help you write, not to help your ranking.

Professional

-Remember that your blog is part of the public face of your business! Try to keep a professional tone. Now, I don't mean you have to talk like a businessman, but I do mean that you should avoid using your blog to trash-talk your competitors or otherwise engage in unprofessional behavior.

-Spelling and grammar count. Blogs are semi-casual but you still want to come across as well-written. Proof-read your posts! If you struggle with language, find a friend who excels at it and is willing to be your beta-reader.

-If your blog is for your business, talk primarily about your business. I'll discuss exceptions in the "fun" section, but for the most part your blog should talk about things like your products, upcoming shows, and goings-on in your industry.

-Try to keep it positive. It is alright to occasionally post about how illness is keeping you from working as hard as you would like or that a sudden tragedy is weighing heavy on your heart, but if your blog is always negative customers will not want to come back. Focus on your business's success, happy events in your life, fun things happening in your field.

Polite

-Your blog is not the place to air your grievances with customers, competitors, suppliers, or the government. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to write a scathing post but I've held back because I remembered how I felt when I read similar columns from other writers. It comes across as very bitter, especially if you do it often. The exception to this rule is that you can offer occasional humorous bad customer type stories, or use your blog to spread a warning about scammers in your field. Otherwise, these complaints should be saved for private professional groups where you and your fellow vendors can vent.

-Don't feed the trolls. I know it's tempting to argue with them, but if your blog gets trolled (and I hope it doesn't!) you should ignore and probably even delete the comment. Trolls call this "censorship" without realizing that free speech does not grant you the right to say whatever you want on someone's blog. Don't let them guilt-trip you.

-If you need to correct misinformation, do it politely. If someone says "That's a beautiful pair of ruby earrings!" the proper response is "Thank you! I can see how you would mistake them for rubies but they're actually made with Swarovski crystals. I do hope to work with more genuine gemstones in the future." Correct them without making them feel stupid.

Fun (aka, writing stuff people want to read)

-Show people that you're a human being. Yes, you want to primarily write about your business, but share a bit about yourself, too. The occasional pet picture, kid story, and mention of the good book you just read helps readers get a sense of who you are.

-Share your creative process! Post in-progress pictures. Discuss the design process. Share your inspiration. Get people excited about the fact that you make what you sell and that you are an artist.

-Set up a regular feature. If you have something that you do, say, every Friday, it makes sure that you blog at least once a week and that your readers come back at least once a week. This can be a weekly picture of your workspace, or an opinion piece about trends in your field, or book reviews.

-Be passionate. If you aren't excited about your business, why should your readers get excited? Gush about your favorite materials. Wax poetic about the early days of your career. Swoon over the work of your idols. Geek out! Freak out! Passion is contagious.

-When you're struggling for inspiration, go read some successful blogs. What are they writing about? What are their readers responding to? Is there something similar in your life that you can write about? Read the blogs of those working in your field, and the blogs of people who are doing something completely different.

-Think about what you would like to read. If the thought of certain content bores you, it probably bores your readers, too. And if you're bored writing it, it will come across to the reader. Write things that you enjoy, and you will eventually attract readers who enjoy it.

-Start discussions. Ask questions in your posts! Encourage people to share their own experiences. Engage your readers. Just don't do it in every single post if you post daily, because that looks desperate.

-And remember, you are probably reaching more people than you think. When I go through a long period of not getting comments, I ask myself why I bother blogging... But oftentimes people comment on Facebook instead, or mention it in e-mail, or when we see each other in person. So don't get discouraged by all those posts that say "No Comments."

If this post inspires you to kickstart your own blogging efforts, post your blog in the comments! I'll have fun weeding out the real bloggers from the spammers. And remember, you can always send your questions to Politelyworded@gmail.com to be included in a future post.

No Solicitors!

Hello, Polite Readers!

We're having a beautiful Spring week here in Tucson, which has apparently pulled the door-to-door solicitors out of their Winter hibernation. From missionaries to security companies to meat salesman, they all knock at my door and set off a flurry of barking corgis. I should really remember to hang a "No Solicitors" sign to deter them, and set the dogs on those who don't read it (don't worry, my dogs aren't vicious, only excessively affectionate and excited), but until them, I have to politely tell them to go away.

The trick is to not let them get started. As soon as they ask you a question which you instinctively answer, they set off on their spiel and waste 10 minutes of your valuable time, never letting you say "Thank you, but I'm not interested."

So this is the one time where I think it is acceptable to both interrupt somebody and shut the door in their face. When my corgi doorbell alerts me to someone at the door, I always open it in case it is a mail delivery or an unexpected drop-in by a friend. When I see that it is not, and my polite "Hello" (punctuated by a sharp "quiet!" at my dogs) is answered with a "Hello I'm with --" this is where I cut them off and say "I'm not interested, have a nice day" and close the door before they can argue with me.

It's important to be polite, because whoever they are, they are just doing their job (well, except for the missionaries. Is that a paid job or volunteer work? I guess it varies from church to church), even if their job might be to scam you out of your money. Invariably when I do get suckered into talking to one of these people, they are full of high-pressure sales tactics and want you to buy right away, without any chance to read up on their product or research it on the internet or discuss it with your spouse or roommates. No thank you!

There are times when you may want to let the person at least finish saying who they are with. Maybe you're waiting for Girl Scouts to come by with cookies, or if they have a clipboard, you may want to see if they're collecting signatures for something you believe in.

That said, please remember to put safety first! If anything about the person at the door strikes you as off, do not open your door to them! Don't let them in, don't step outside to talk to them on the porch! If they are insistent, it is perfectly OK to say "I'm sorry, I'm too busy right now" and close that door right in their face.

Lastly... please feel free to give the stink-eye to anyone who thinks it is OK to ring your doorbell before 10am on a weekend morning! There is nothing polite about waking people up.

What would YOU like to see me write about next? Send your letters and suggestions to Politelyworded@gmail.com please!

Taking This Week Off

Hello Polite Readers!

I've been up to my eyeballs in preparation for a large event and as such I completely neglected to come up with a column this week! Shame on me, I know. I apologize for not giving you anything to read today. But I do invite you all to send your ideas to Politelyworded@gmail.com so that I will have so many letters to choose from next week!

Thank you for reading,
-AJ