Back off, he's mine!

Hello Polite Readers,

This week's topic is a doozy. What do you do when you're in a committed relationship, and a friend who you both socialize with clearly has a crush on your mate? Of course our natural reaction is to say something along the lines of the title of this post. "Back off!" or "Get your own man!" but that's not really polite, now is it? But you want to say or do something, because inaction can seem like approval.

Relationship advice isn't really my specialty, so I'm going to suggest that if you're worried about setting boundaries with your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend that you go seek out someone who really knows their stuff. This will be all about handling the crusher.

Example 1: The Serial Crusher

This person develops a crush on just about anyone that shows attention to them and is of the gender they find attractive, regardless of how much they have in common or whether the crushee has done anything to encourage them. They may maintain simultaneous crushes on every applicable person in their vicinity, or they may bounce from dreamboat to dreamboat. Either way, don't stress much about this person because it's not personal and they probably won't do anything more than flirt shamelessly. At some point, you or your SO may need to say "Oh hey, not interested" but otherwise if you both ignore the flirtation and the crushee doesn't flirt back, it should die down.

Example 2: The One Who Flat-Out Admits It

Is there anything ickier than when someone tells you that your spouse is so hot that they rate right along this person's celebrity crush? I mean sure, it's a compliment to your ability to land a hot mate (I guess?), but when that person always talks about their fantasies about said celebrity crush, you really don't want to think about them having similar thoughts about your spouse. When someone says something like this to you, I would not at all blame you if you say something along the lines of "Ha ha, yeah, I'm glad he's mine." Put a slight emphasis on the mine even. Or if applicable, say, "Yeah, but Hunky McHunkerson is actually single" while leaving the "and my man isn't" silently hanging there.

Example 3: The One Who Wants You Both

Another awkward situation for the strictly monogamous couple is when you realize that a single friend or another couple is trying to broach the subject of a three-way or partner swap. If they're being subtle about it, be equally subtle by casually mentioning how you're not at all bisexual, or how you're amazed that such-and-such is successfully managing an open relationship, because you can't imagine being with anyone other than your spouse right now. If they bring it up outright, let them down gently, because you're still friends after all. "Ewwww no, that's gross" is not appropriate. A small smile and something along the lines of "We're flattered, but that's not the sort of relationship we want to have" and then change the subject.

Side note: This advice assumes that you're not into it. If you are, that's another one where you'll want to seek out the advice of an actual expert on how to do it right.

Example 4: The One Who Thinks They're Totally Subtle

This person doesn't do anything as blatant as sending you texts about how hot your spouse is. They didn't drunkenly kiss your boyfriend on New Year's Eve and then claim not to remember it the next day. But it's still obvious that they're crushing on your mate, because somehow at every party they end up sitting next to him or her. There's constant IM or FB conversations, not about anything sexual, but with a certain level of emotional intimacy. They bring little presents for your spouse, remember their birthday and favorite color. While the crush may have originally been fostered by some shared interests, now they're suddenly into his favorite band, her favorite TV show, and reading all the same books.

This is the most annoying thing, because if you complain, suddenly you're the unreasonable, jealous one. After all, nothing is actually happening, and don't you trust their mate? YOU have opposite-sex friends, why can't they? Ugh. You're left to either pretend you're fine with a situation that makes you uncomfortable and wait for it to inevitably fall apart one way or another, or you get to look like the bad guy when you "force" your spouse to dial-back the friendship.

So what do you do? First you go find that good advice on dealing with your spouse, and you have a conversation about how s/he needs to set some boundaries with the crusher and they can't hang out alone together. Be prepared to hear all of the above things and more. It may turn into a fight. People don't like it when they think they're being told who they can and cannot be friends with, even if they don't return the crush and you aren't saying they can't be friends, you're just saying dial it back a notch.

Next, talk with the crusher. Don't be accusatory, give them the benefit of the doubt. "I'm sure you don't mean it that way but lately some of your behavior towards Lee has been pretty flirtatious and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea." I mean gosh, wouldn't it be so embarrassing if someone else noticed and came to you to warn you that your SO might be cheating? Let that idea sink in.

At times, it may be possible and appropriate to re-direct, too. Maybe the person crushing on your SO is lonely and really drawn to people like your partner, and maybe you guys just happen to have another friend who is single and shares a lot of the same qualities that makes your mate so attractive. Have a big party. Invite them both. Let them know that they both love Battlestar Galactica. Maybe sparks will fly! Or maybe it will at least remind the crusher that there are other fish in the sea, and they shouldn't go after one who has already been hooked.

Do you have an awkward situation you need help addressing? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in one of my upcoming columns!

Stupid Man Texts

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's topic comes courtesy of my friend Martha. I'm using the same title as she used on her e-mail, because it amuses me. Here's her letter:

Hey AJ,

So I have this guy I met on the plane back from home - he seemed really nice when we sat and chatted for the three hours of the flight so I gave him my number to contact me to maybe meet up for dinner.

Well, I got one text from him Tuesday that was nice "hey, hope you're having a great day - take care!"  I was busy at work so I mentally noted to respond later.  Later that evening I responded "hey it was nice, thanks - hope you had a good one too."  Nothing major.  The next text I get - same night - "Woo hoo!! - its Full Moon Baby, come meet up with me and lets go have a drink!"  

I won't repeat the expletives I said at having given this sudden idiot my number.  I did not respond at all.  

Two days later I get a text saying "Hey I was just thinking about seeing those gorgeous eyes of yours again - come out and have a drink with me!"  It was Friday - I don't "do" last minute dates w men who have what I consider questionable judgement with a woman he just met.  Again I just chose not to respond and will likely block him going forward.  I have no attraction to him whatsoever and, even if I had initially, it would be gone due to these texts.  Maybe I'm old fashioned but this to me was both unacceptable and creepy.  Is there a better way to handle this situation than just ignoring them and blocking them altogether?  Granted I was dumb to give out my real number... but he really seemed nice on the plane.  Note its very unusual for me to give out my number to ANYONE - esp someone I just met.

I am thinking it will become even more rare now. lol

Anyway, your thoughts are appreciated. I wanted to respond but couldn't think of any response that I felt put a positive light on me.  I would have been a jerk  had I responded... hence my ignoring it altogether.   Yet I wanted to tell him (a) how dare you speak to me like that - I do not know you and you clearly do not know or respect me and (b) I do not date or associate with men who speak to me like that - period.   

Thanks in advance!

So at first I didn't really see what the big deal was. When you said he was sending you inappropriate texts, I thought you meant really inappopriate, like X-Rated stuff. This seemed pretty mild in comparison. But when I looked over it again, I saw the problems. You're definitely not close enough for him to call you "baby" (personally, I don't like that pet name at all, but some people do), and mentioning your eyes after one 3 hour long plane ride together? That's coming on way too strong. Hint to guys: It's creepy to mention a woman's body parts early in a relationship, even if it's a non-sexual body part. Plus there's the fact that you said "Hey, let's do dinner sometime" and each time he invited you out, it was for drinks.

Now, part of this is a conflict of old fashioned vs. current mode. Yes, there are people who think it is OK to initiate a date via text (I find it too casual, but I've been out of the dating pool for a decade and a half. Texts weren't even a thing back then). Also, it's pretty common now for a first date to be coffee or drinks, which does make sense in its way -- it's more casual, and it's easy to cut it short if it goes poorly, or segue it into something else (dinner, movie, shopping, strolling in the park) if you're having a great time.

Note that at no point did I say that it's OK to call a woman that you barely know "baby." Ick. I mean, maybe it was a figure of speech. Maybe he posted the same thing on Facebook. "It's the full moon baby! Looking forward to a drink after work!" But I don't think so.

So obviously this guy is not for you, and at this point it's been long enough that it would be weird if you said anything more to him (unless he hasn't taken the hint and is still inviting you out for drinks without any response). So airplane guy can be ignored for now. But what if you or a fellow reader has this sort of experience in the future? Here's how I would have handled this.

You were already right on with your response to his first text. He could have used that to continue a perfectly normal conversation. If I were him, I would have said "Hey, I had a great day. Can I call you?" Which allows you to either say "Sure" or "No" or "I'm eating dinner, let me call you when I'm done." Then when he has you on the phone, he can invite you out for a drink or coffee or whatever, and you can either accept, or if you are in to the idea but not right away, say "Oh, tonight isn't good for me, how about Friday?"

But that's not what happened. He said  "Woo hoo!! - its Full Moon Baby, come meet up with me and lets go have a drink!" At this point, you had two options -- give him a chance, or boot him to the curb. If you wanted to give him a chance but start gently showing him how you expect to be treated, you could say something like "Oh, that's way too short a notice. How about Thursday Friday instead? I'd love to talk some more." If you wanted to give him the boot, a simple "Actually, it was nice meeting you but I don't think this is going to work out." Then disengage. Block if necessary.

He should have taken the hint after you didn't respond to his full moon message, but nope, he came back again. "Hey I was just thinking about seeing those gorgeous eyes of yours again - come out and have a drink with me!" At this point, unless you're someone who likes near-strangers thinking about your eyes, you could say yes. But you're not, and he's creepy, so you say, "You know, you're coming on a bit strong. I think we're expecting different things from this, and I'm not interested anymore. Please don't contact me again." Then block as needed.

Unfortunately, sometimes people who seem perfectly nice and normal in person turn weird with the veil of technology to shield them. Or people seem awesome on-line and turn out to be awful in person. I'd say in the future, if you meet someone on the plane who seems interesting, give them your e-mail instead. It's a lot easier to manage -- you don't have to worry about them calling you at 3am looking for a drunk booty call.

This concludes Dating Week on Politely Worded! Unless, of course, someone wants to send another dating question to Politelyworded@gmail.com to give me something to write about on Sunday.

Letting them down gently

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's topic comes courtesy of my friend Nancy, who does beautiful beadwork and also sells tutorials if you'd like to bead something of your own. Here's her letter:

Hey AJ,  I had a thought... it doesn't apply to old married me, but I thought that maybe some of your single readers might be interested in what you'd have to say about turning down requests for dates.  I had a horrid time trying to say no nicely when I was younger and dating, especially when it was a friend who all of a sudden wanted a date.  I didn't know exactly how to respond and was really upset that I ended up losing a friend out of it several times, as no matter how sweet I was, it seemed that a "no, I'd really like to continue being friends with you rather than dating" was still hurtful enough as a rejection.

First, a disclaimer. I married young, to the first guy I ever dated. Statistically, a poor move, but hey, when you find the right guy right away, you marry him and save yourself from the insanity that is the dating world. But I'm always amused when people come to me for dating advice -- the assumption is that because I've been happily married for so long, I must know everything about relationships, when really I've just been muddling my way through all along.

However, I feel like this is a topic I can address, because being polite is being polite, no matter what the situation is. And I have had to turn some guys down, but it's remarkably easy when the answer is "Thanks, but I'm married." For those of you who aren't hitched, here's three common scenarios and good ways to handle them.

First, Nancy's scenario of the friend who wants to be something more. This is difficult, but if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Smile a little sadly and say "I'm sorry, you're wonderful, but I just don't see us like that." Sadly, no matter how polite you are, you may lose your friend anyway. This is not your fault. There are some people who see opposite-sex friendships (or same sex, if that's their orientation) as a path towards romance, and once they find out that's not in the cards, they drop you. Other times, they just can't handle the heartbreak of realizing that you don't feel the same way, and they decide to back off for a bit and then it becomes permanent. After some time has gone by, you might want to reach out to them to see if you can save the friendship, but don't be surprised if you can't.

Second, the person who seems perfectly nice but you just don't want to date. Maybe you're not on the market, maybe they're not your type, maybe you're just not in the mood to deal with being chatted up, but there's nothing offensive. They ask politely. You respond politely in turn. "Thank you, but I'm not interested." Don't offer excuses, because as I've said before, excuses can be countered and then you have to offer new ones.

Third, the creep. The person who uses some skeevy pick-up line, or who used to date your best friend and treated her like crap, or who just interrupted your conversation to ask for your number. You should still be polite (always!), but make it the iciest politeness possible. With a blank face, say coolly "I'm not interested." Just keep in mind that if they're a creep, they may hurl insults at you for daring to turn them down. This is also not your fault. Keep your cool, and if necessary, call in some reinforcements (your friends, the bouncer, whoever) to help you tell the creep to back off.

No matter situation, remember that it is ALWAYS not only okay, but appropriate to say no to an unwanted date or request for your phone number or whatever. Too often we (especially women!) are told that we should give everyone a chance, or even worse, we should take what we can get. Well, forget that. You shouldn't have to suffer through a date just because someone asks you. You just need to be nice about it, because it IS hard for some people to summon up the courage to ask someone they like out. Letting them down gently softens the blow, so hopefully they won't get too discouraged and they can keep asking until they find the right person for them.
 
Do you have an awkward situation that you need help responding to? Send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and I will do my best to help!