Correcting people on the internet

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Hello Polite Readers,

Oh goodness, I gave in and added an image. I couldn't resist, this comic is just so perfect for today's topic, which is about how to be polite when correcting misinformation on Facebook and other internet forums.

Now that we live in a world where we're constantly connected to almost everyone we know via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Pinterest, Tumblr and more, we're also constantly bombarded with their opinions about everything. And sometimes, we find that the people we know are just plain wrong. Next thing you know, you've spent the entire day arguing with them and five of their like-minded friends, and you have nothing to show for it.

Personally, I don't really like to argue on-line anymore. I got burned by too many people who were not at all interested in my politely stated facts and just decided to insult me. I do still occasionally get into it with people over something I feel especially strong over, or when people are spreading clear misinformation, but otherwise I avoid it. Here are my guidelines for when Someone is WRONG on the Internet:

1. Is it fact or opinion? It's very hard to change people's opinions by arguing on Facebook. But if you're polite, you can usually correct people about facts. Say things like "Actually, that study has since been proven to be based on bad data" or "I'm sorry, as much as I wish it were true, this one is an urban legend."

2. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if your uncle believes that Microsoft will give him a million dollars for forwarding an e-mail. On the other hand, it does matter if someone is spreading dangerous misinformation about treating the flu with lead paint (I think I managed to make up something so ridiculous that no one has actually suggested it and no one will be offended, right?).

3. Do you feel confident in your argument? If you don't have a really informed opinion and reliable sources to back you up, don't jump into the fray. "Actually, I heard someplace that Donald Trump's toupee is made of kittens" is not as strong as "Here is a five page expose on the wig factory that uses 100% kitten fur."

4. Will it make things awkward? Arguing with a distant family member who you see every few years is not a big deal, but getting into a political debate with your parents before Mother's Day brunch might make for a sulky family meal. Likewise, arguing with your troupemates might lead to sore feelings at the next practice, and arguing where would-be customers and clients can see it may cost you business.

5. Can you stay calm? There are some things I never get into arguments about because I am SO passionate about them that I will get myself so wound up that I can't even function for the rest of the day. Even if I manage to remain polite in my posts, I stomp around the house buzzing with anxious energy, just wishing I could say what I really want to, wishing the other person wasn't being so dense. It's unfair when those around you have to suffer the results of your arguments.

Over all, it's a complicated subject. Sometimes it feels like by not arguing with people, you're tacitly agreeing with them. Sometimes the answer is to make an opposing post of your own on your Facebook or blog, but that can look passive aggressive and cowardly. So choose which soapbox you're going to stand on, and make sure that whatever you say is polite, well-informed, and has plenty of sources to back it up. Good luck out there.

Is there a situation where you struggle to keep your cool? Send me a letter at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll do my best to advise you on how to be calm and collected.

Polite Politics

Hello Polite Readers!

I pre-schedule these posts, so I'm actually sitting here writing this on Election Day. I've already done my civic duty and voted -- I hope you did, too (unless I have any international readers, in which case, I hope you had a lovely Tuesday). I am happy to have been able to vote, and I am happy that soon all the tacky signs will be torn down, and I will stop having to sort through so much political mail.

However, I am under no illusions about my Facebook feed. I've already seen a few friends express how happy they are at the idea of no longer seeing so many political posts, but those friends are deluding themselves. The election is not the end. As soon as the results come in, our Facebook and Twitter feeds will be awash with victorious gloating and depressed moaning. Those whose candidate lost may well threaten to move to another country, or declare this as a sign of the end of the world.

Don't be those people.

Whoever wins tonight's election, I hope that you will be polite in expressing your opinion. Do not rub your candidates victory in the face of your friends who voted differently. If your candidate loses, do not make witty posts about how long it is until the next election. Be graceful in victory or in defeat.

If your friends are making rude posts, it's best to just ignore them rather than engaging (I have to admit, I have hidden some friends during this campaign season, because it was so hard to resist getting into fights).

Keep in mind that whatever the results of the election, on both a national and local level, we all still have to live together. Threats to move to a more politically hospitable climate aside, you are probably still going to be close to people who have political views opposite to your own, whether they're your family, friends, or co-workers. Whether we have the same president or a new one in 2013, you will still have the same parents, neighbors, and troupemates. Be kind to each other.

(This post is inspired by some of the more level-headed posts I've seen coming into this election season, especially one by my friend Fonda)

I need your letters! If you have a question, or just an idea for a column, please send it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may publish it here.

On giving and receiving RSVPs

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's topic comes to us via a special request from one of my belly dance friends! She's asked me to talk about Facebook RSVPs and how little respect we all show for them, and how to politely address that when you're hosting an event.

I have to admit, I have a bad habit of saying that I will attend an event via Facebook, and then deciding the day of that I actually don't feel like leaving the house. This is very rude of me and I'm trying to train myself to use the "Maybe" function more often and to better honor the commitments that I do make. We all tend to take Facebook events less seriously than we take events that we receive paper invitations for -- and that's saying something, because I've read a lot about traditional invites getting ignored, too.

When you say "Yes" to a casual event like "Hey, I'm having a potluck, come if you can!" and then don't show up, it's rude and disappointing but the host isn't out much. When you say "Yes" to a major event that the host has to put a lot of money and effort into, such as a sit-down dinner or a dance workshop, you have wasted your friend's resources and possibly made them look bad. Likewise, if you ether say "No" or don't respond and then show up anyway, you run the risk of the host not being able to accommodate you, and then you both feel awkward.

As a hostess, I've been on the receiving end of this many times. I used to organize a restaurant dinner for out-of-town visitors to the Tucson gem show. Every year, I would have some guests not show up, and others show up without having RSVP'ed, or show up with other guests in tow. Sometimes it would balance out, other times we would have a few empty chairs in an otherwise packed restaurant, or we'd have the servers scrambling to try to make extra room. Either way, I always felt like a bit of a jerk for not having the number I told them (especially since sometimes I would have called the day-of to adjust the reservation due to sudden changes).

So, let's all try to honor our RSVPs, and let's remember to apologize when something unavoidable comes up (illness, family emergency, dead car) to keep us from attending.

Now, hosts, how can you politely stress the importance of a proper headcount? I have received some very pushy invites in the past that left me feeling like my very presence was going to be an inconvenience. No one wants to feel that way! You want to be firm but gentle, and always with a friendly tone. For instance, for a dinner party, consider something like this:

Dear Guests, I need a final headcount by Friday so that I can make the reservations (or go buy the steaks). Please RSVP for yourself and anyone you'll be bringing. Thank you!

For a workshop or performance sort of situation where it is not just your resources and time on the line, but also that of the teacher and performer(s) who may be coming in from out of town, you may need to not only require a RSVP but also a monetary deposit. I will almost never skip an event that I have already paid for, unless I am deathly ill. Pre-selling tickets or workshop slots allows you to judge whether there is actually enough interest in the event you'd like to host. Consider offering a small discount to early birds (even $5 off is usually enough to get me to buy early), or if you can't afford that, consider offering some other perk -- early birds might get front-row seats, or maybe if they purchase their workshop spot within the first two weeks of pre-sales, they're entered into a drawing for a free copy of the teacher's latest DVD.

In your event description, just make it sweet and to the point:

We need a minimum of 10 attendants to bring Sophia Ravenna to Phoenix! Please purchase your workshops and show tickets now to ensure that we can bring this performer to our community. Tell all your friends!

 (Yeah, I used my own stage name there. No, I do not actually teach workshops)

When people are concerned that an event they dearly want to attend will get canceled, they will not only purchase their spot ASAP, they'll also try to get their friends who are on the fence to sign up. Even after you've reached your minimum, you can post the occasional reminder: "One month until this great series of workshops! Act now before it sells out!" Always keep the tone breezy. Do not start with the guilt-trip if sales are slower than you expected. No one likes the reek of desperation!

In summation, with a little more mutual respect and a little gentle prodding and kind wording, we can all work together as hosts and guests to make fun, successful events.