Talking to the boss

Hello Polite Readers!

I've been asked to talk about standing up to your boss. I had to mull it over for a couple of weeks because I'm not really a normal day job kind of person, and as such, I don't have a lot of experience dealing with bosses. When my husband has an issue at work, I'll say "Well you should tell your boss this and this" and he'll mutter something about how I obviously don't know how business works. Apparently managers don't respond well to my natural snark, so let's go into Politely Worded Mode.

First, decide if the issue is worth making a stand about. If you feel like the boss's current policies are going to cost the business money, or if it's an issue of personal safety (physical or emotional) then you should definitely bring it up. But if you want to complain that your boss's collection of Precious Moments figurines is tacky and makes the office look unprofessional to potential new hires, that's probably not worth the hassle.

If you're pretty sure it's a serious matter, then discuss it with one or two close friends and make sure they agree that it's a big deal and get their opinion on valid points that you can bring up in your argument. For instance, if you have to leave the store at night down an unlit flight of stairs, be sure to bring up employee safety and how if you did fall and break your arm, you'd have to be out on disability until you healed, and then who would do your job?

If it's something that is affecting multiple employees (let's stick with the dangerous staircase above), talk with the rest of them too and get their feelings. Have any of them had a close brush with falling? Have customers noticed and complained? Choose one employee to be the spokesperson (we'll assume it's you) but get permission to mention the others by name.

Before you go to the boss, do a little research or soul-searching on the ideal solution to the problem. For instance, look into the cost of installing a light. Get the name of a good contractor who can do the work. In the case of a less physical, more emotional issue, such as being bullied or forced to work unpaid overtime, decide what you need to have changed to feel comfortable at work.

Now, choose a good time to bring it up. You don't want to start berating your boss during a big rush of customers, nor do you want to start the day off on the wrong foot, nor do you want to start something at the end of the day when you have a pressing appointment right after work. If there's never a convenient time at work, you may need to write an e-mail instead.

Finally, the hard part. Use my favorite firm-but-polite attitude to confront your manager. Stick to the facts and the proposed solution. Continuing with the dangerous staircase scenario, you might say something like this:

Thanks for taking the time to have this meeting with me! I wanted to let you know that we're all really concerned about the back staircase. It's unlit, and those of us who work the closing shift have had a few bad scares on it. Did you know that last week Jane slipped on an icy stair and fell down? Luckily she only had bruises, but if one of us tripped at the top we could break something and possibly be unable to work! I know you prefer us to lock up the front and then go out the back, so for our safety I think it would be best to install a light back there. I did a little poking around on-line and I think it would only cost the company about $xx to put up a fixture. Is that possible?

Now be open to the boss suggesting other possibilities. It may be that the lease doesn't allow any changes to be made to the building, or that there's no money in the budget for improvements. The boss may suggest keeping flash lights by the back door instead. You might suggest being allowed to go out the front at closing. It may take a bit of negotiation to come to an ideal situation.

Keep in mind that no matter how polite and well thought out your argument is, the boss might just say no. Some don't like to be questioned or given suggestions on what to do. At this point you will have to decide whether you can come up with your own work-around (carry a flash light in your purse), take it up the food chain (assuming your boss isn't the owner/CEO/top of the line), pursue legal recourse (is it an OSHA violation?), suck it up (well, you haven't broken your neck yet, after all), or start looking for a job with a better situation and a better boss.

I hope you can adapt this hypothetical situation to whatever real boss-problems you may have. If any of my readers have a specific workplace situation that needs addressing, feel free to e-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you may be the subject of my next column!

Speak clearly, please

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's question comes courtesy of a friend, and it concerns phone etiquette. Read on:

 I have a hard time understanding accents over the phone, to the point that I sometimes cannot even follow the conversation with customer service representatives. Usually, I claim that there is a bad phone connection, apologize, and ask if they could speak slower and louder for me. Some times, this works just fine--they are equally apologetic, speak slower, and we have a conversation. Other times, this just seems to annoy the phone rep who refuses to talk any slower and, instead, just starts yelling into my ear. If they are in a particularly bad mood, I get snapped at if I ask a second time to repeat themselves. Once, I was hung up on. At this point, I want to ask to be transferred to someone else in hopes I can understand them, but, as I have just claimed it was a poor phone, I don't know how to now say, "I cannot understand your Southern-belle slang coming at me at a hundred miles an hour, so please send me to someone who can speak the King's English. Oh, and your manager, so I can tell him/her that you need some basic customer service skills."

 This is just one of the many reasons why I hate telephones. E-mail or instant message is so much better, as long as you're dealing with someone with good writing skills. However, oftentimes we're forced to call in for tech support or other customer service, and with call centers all over the country and the world, you never know what you're going to get (the last customer service person I dealt with had the sweetest Minnesota accent, but it's rare to be that lucky).

My friend, you are starting out with the right idea, blaming the phone rather than the person's accent. My suggestion would be to shift the blame even further, to yourself. Say simply "I'm sorry, sometimes I have a really hard time understanding people over the phone. Could you speak more slowly?" Retain the apologetic tone that you've been using so far. Hopefully if you make it seem like you have a hearing problem (even if the "problem" is that the agent is talking at a mile a minute and there's all sorts of office background noise coming through the connection) and emphasize that you need them to talk more slowly, they won't resort to shouting.

If you still can't understand them, say something like "I'm so sorry, I still can't understand you. Your voice just isn't coming through well. Could you possibly transfer to someone else?" Hopefully they will understand that some people just can't hear some voices -- my husband has a voice like that, which tends to lead to a lot of mis-heard orders at restaurants. Good thing he's not a picky eater.

But what about when the agent gets snippy with you? Absolutely ask to be transferred to the manager right away! Summon your best icy politeness and say "I still can't understand you. Please transfer me to your supervisor." Then when you get the supervisor, calmly explain what happened and request to be helped by someone else.

In the case of being hung up on (really? I know a lot of people who have worked in call centers and you're generally only allowed to hang up when the customer gets truly belligerent, as in cursing and making threats), you should call back and ask immediately to be transferred to a supervisor. Then provide the name of the employee who hung up on you! Hopefully your call will have been monitored for quality assurance (or whatever they call it) and they will have proof of how poorly you were treated.

The important thing is to stick to just the facts. While it would be very satisfying to say that you think the agent needs some "basic customer service skills" after being yelled at, you look so much better when you are the one calmly saying "All I did was ask her to repeat the product number I needed to order" and she's the one who hung up on you.

I hope this helps, and I hope that you don't encounter too many irrationally irritable customer service representatives any time soon!

Do you have a question that you'd like to see answered in this blog? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be one of my next letters!

Staggeringly Rude

Hello Polite Readers!

Chances are at some point in your life, someone has said something jaw-droppingly rude to you. It might have been street harassment, or someone suggesting that bellydancing is the same as stripping, or an unprovoked insult about your appearance. And chances are that you were either left speechless, or you responded with something equally rude. Well, don't feel bad. For the most part we don't go through life expecting that random people (or sometimes, our own friends and family!) will say awful things to us.

In a perfect world, we'd all be ready with a clever quip for every occasion, but when wit fails you there are other options. When someone is rude to you, it actually is a pretty good idea to just ignore them, because you're denying them the satisfaction of the response and possibly saving yourself from being drawn into an argument or even a physical fight!

If you feel like you have to respond, there are a couple of options which work well in most situations. Often you can give them an either shocked, perplexed, or hurt look and (matching the tone to your expression) say "Why would you say that?" it gives them pause, and prompts them to apologize if they didn't mean it that, or to explain exactly why they think your art is the ugliest thing they've ever seen. For those of you who are more directly confrontational, you can say "That was very rude/hurtful and if you're going to continue to talk like that I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

The most important thing is to resist the urge to respond in kind. It's tempting to try to hurt someone who has hurt you, but returning insult for insult just drags you down to their level. By all means, think of a snide comeback if it makes you feel better, but don't say it. Rise above it all by remaining cool and collected, and you will earn the respect of onlookers.

Do you need help dealing with the rude people of the world? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may feature you in my next column!

When a seller is dragging their feet

Hello Polite Readers!

I've written a lot of columns from the seller's point of view, dealing with difficult customers and requests for freebies. But this week we're going to switch things up a bit and talk about how a buyer should deal with a slow, non-responsive vendor.

This request comes courtesy of a dear friend who recently had a troublesome run-in with a vendor. Last year around this time, she finally made a long-awaited purchase of a custom item. Due to the handmade nature of the item and the popularity of the vendor, she was told she wouldn't receive the item until September, November at the latest. This was fine with her and she dutifully made her down payment and began the long wait for her item.

September came and went, as did October and November, and still no item, plus no communication from the vendor explaining the delay. So she decided to contact them and got an explanation and a promise that her item would be ready soon. Again she settled in patiently to wait... but her item still never arrived, and the vendor once again did not step forward with an explanation.

Finally, last month, patience began to wear thin. My friend had wanted to have this item available for Fall and Winter use, and here it is almost Spring in AZ. It's been nearly a year since the original order date, and still no (very pricy) item. Her husband decided to send them a letter, and because he did not ask for my Politely Worded advice ahead of time (shame shame!) it came across a little strongly and set the vendor on the defensive. Rather than providing the info he wanted, they responded with their own dose of snark. After a bit more communication, my friend was finally able to get an update, and last week her item was delivered at last and is quite lovely, but she's asked me to share some advice to spare other people from having similar problems.

First, let's talk about how to avoid this sort of problem in the first place. Oftentimes you can dodge a bullet by researching a seller ahead of time. This is one reason why I like sites like Etsy and eBay... the feedback system gives a good indication of how reliable a seller is. Lacking that, you can ask your friends, or do a Google search for the company name to see if anyone is complaining. This doesn't always work, of course. My friend had many personal recommendations for the vendor she used, and I've also seen sellers drop rapidly from having 100% feedback when a purchase was made to 97% as they suddenly lose the ability to run their business properly.

Next, if you've done your due diligence but things still start to look poorly, don't just wait around for the item to show up. As soon as it starts to feel like your order should have been fulfilled, start looking into your options. If purchased on eBay or Etsy, see what you need to do to request a refund. Also look into getting refunds via PayPal or your credit card company or bank account if applicable. I recommend doing this right away because sometimes there's a deadline involved, and in the past I have waited too long and lost out on my money. You want to know what your deadline is so you can invoke it with the seller if need-be.

Now once you're armed with the necessary facts, start out with a polite letter that outlines the facts but also assumes that this must be a simple misunderstanding or oversight or problem outside of their control. For instance, say something like:

Hello, on January 1st I purchased a set of fuzzy slippers from you (insert link to listing/receipt). I thought they'd make the perfect birthday present for my mom, and from viewing your shipping policies I knew they'd arrive in plenty of time for her birthday on March 2nd. However, it is now February 4th and I still haven't received them, nor have I received any shipping notification. Do you have a tracking number? I want to make sure that USPS didn't lose them somewhere along the way.

This lets them either provide said tracking number or admit that they are SO sorry, they thought they mailed your package but it actually slipped under the seat of the car and has been sitting there for weeks. They'll mail it right away and here's a coupon for $5 off your next order to make up for the delay. Hopefully that will be the end of it and the item will soon be in your hands (or you'll find that the tracking number shows a problem, in which case you have to deal with USPS. That's beyond my scope, sorry).

However, you may find that either they don't respond at all, or they respond with fishy excuses and you still don't get your item. This is when you need to get a little tougher, but of course still polite. Lay out the facts again and offer a proposed solution and an ultimatum.

Hi, it's me again. I wrote you on February 4th to inquire about the slippers I ordered on January 1st (again, insert link to listing/receipt). At that time you didn't respond to me/gave me an invalid tracking number/told me you were mailing it tomorrow. I still have not received the slippers, and my mom's birthday is getting really close. I don't want to have to leave you negative feedback and start PayPal's conflict resolution process, but I am afraid that if I have not received the item or a refund by February 28th, I will be forced to take action. I'd really appreciate an update on the status of my order, and I hope we can work this out to both of our satisfaction.

If the seller is just a little flaky, this should scare them straight and you should get your item. If they are just a rip-off artist trying to bilk as many people as they can as fast as they can before eBay/Etsy/whoever catches on and shuts them down, they will probably either ignore you or give you more excuses ("I'm sorry, my hamster died and things have been so chaotic"). This is when you give up on being patient and set things in motion. Send one more note informing them of your intent and then start the necessary process to get your money back!

Hello, it is now February 28th and I still have not received the slippers that I ordered from you, nor a valid tracking number. My mother's birthday is the day after tomorrow and now I am forced to go to the mall and find her a replacement gift. It is clear to me that you never had any intention of fulfilling my order. I have already contacted PayPal for a refund and I will be leaving appropriate feedback on Etsy.

 It's my understanding that Etsy has a "kiss and make-up" feature which encourages buyers to let the seller make it up to them. Honestly, I am not into that. Unless the seller genuinely had real circumstances beyond their control that made them unable to fulfill orders or e-mail customers (ie, their house was destroyed by Hurricane Sandy, they had a serious stroke and have been in the hospital and PT ever since, etc etc), I think they deserve their negative feedback! If you've waited months and not received your item, that is a serious problem and future would-be buyers need to know about it.

And what if you're not using a service like eBay or Etsy with built-in feedback but you want to warn friends away? I'd stick to the facts. Say "Hey, I know some of you have also been checking out this website and were thinking of ordering some things, but I just had to request that Visa reverse the charges because they never responded to my order or sent my items." Avoid inserting an opinion about how they are lazy, stupid, or bad at business. Remain professional -- that will put you ahead of them.

Please note that I am of course not qualified to offer legal advice and if there's a lot of money on the line (for instance, you bought a sports car on eBay), you might want to consult with a lawyer rather than an internet advice columnist. My advice is geared towards purchases in the tens to hundreds of dollars range, not thousands and up.

Are you looking for the best way to navigate dangerous communication waters? Contact me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!

New home, new friends

Hello Polite Readers!

One of the perils of living in a state with good schools but a horrible job market is that I make awesome new friends, only to have them move away in search of greener pastures. Today's questions come from one such friend who has asked to remain anonymous.

Question 1: I've just moved and am having a terrible time making friends! What do I do? I don't want to seem like I'm imposing on people but at the same time I want to make friends. It's hard  because I can't seem to find anyone who is my age.

Well, first don't worry so much about finding friends who are your age. It is nice to have someone who has similar life experiences and grew up with the same pop culture, but you can also make amazing friends outside your age group. I have a great friend who is 6 years younger than me but at a very similar place in her life, and some awesome friends in their 50s who are endless sources of good advice and fun stories of their many adventures. Place your focus more on people who have similar interests or a personality that meshes well with yours.

For me I've found that it works best to not be too worried about making close friends, but to just get out and meet people and be friendly towards them (which is admittedly a bit of a problem, I'm quiet and introverted so it's hard to start conversations sometimes!). When you're in a group setting like a bellydance class or a club meeting, look for chances to get to know people better. Is the dance class hosting a stitch-and-bitch to work on costumes? Come along and bring a tasty snack! Are a few members of the club going to an interesting event? See if you can carpool.

Social media also makes it a little easier to get to know people. If you add friends from the groups you're involved in, you can see what their interests are and discover things that you have in common that might never have come up in the course of your regular activities. If you see that someone likes the same band as you, or the same guilty-pleasure TV show or has the same obscure hobby, send them a private message or mention it the next time you see them in person. They might not become your new BFF, you might even find that you have nothing else in common, but it's good practice!

Try to attend as many parties and other group gatherings as you can, especially if they involve people from outside your usual group. You may find that your co-worker's wife or classmate's sister is a really fun person to hang out with.

Above all, I think it's important to develop as many casual acquaintances as you can and wait for them to blossom naturally into friendships. It's hard to be patient, I know, especially when you're in a new place and homesick for your friends in your previous city.

Question 2: How do I handle joining a new dance class? I've started taking classes with a certain group and I'm finding them to be very elite-ist. It's hard for me to try and fit in but at this point they seem to be the only group teaching this particular style.

Dealing with elitists is really hard, because the problem isn't with you, it's with them. You're probably doing everything right -- you show up to class on time, you pay attention when the teacher is talking, you don't get bored with the assigned exercise and start doing your own thing because the music moved you. But because you're the new person and you're upsetting the status quo, they snub you.

There's a few things to do. If there are any other newbies, make friends with them. Pay attention to the more experienced dancers and see which ones seem like they're actually pretty friendly, and seek them out. Try to break the ice with the snobbier ones with a compliment here or there... Although if they have that really mean Queen Bee personality type, they might just think you're being a suck-up.

Which brings me to my next point... you have to decide if it's worth it. How much effort do you want to put into winning over these people? Dance class should be a warm and welcoming experience, and instead you're getting the cold shoulder. It's hard to enjoy bellydance when you're not getting the expected sense of community. If they're warm and loving with each other, maybe it's worth trying to break into the clique and then to be the one who welcomes new people in the future. But on the other hand, do you want to be part of a group that has been so unwelcoming to you in the past?

It's something I've struggled with in the past, to the point that I actually gave up on the idea of dance troupes as a great sisterhood, as each one seemed to be a clique that was more interested in hanging out with their old friends than making new ones (amusingly, the next troupe I joined after that ended up being welcoming and wonderful).

If you decide that you really want to stick it out, you may need to talk to one of them about it. Maybe the teacher, or leader of the student troupe, or the one person who has been friendly to you (if there is such a person). Take them aside before or after class and say something like:

I'm really happy and excited to be dancing with you, but I feel like I haven't really been accepted yet. Do you have any advice on how I can fit in? Is there anything I can do to help the studio and the troupe? Are there any upcoming events that I can lend a hand with?

If you focus more on wanting to fit in, instead of feeling excluded, it sounds more positive. You're just a new girl trying to learn the dynamics. Being willing to do something like sweep the studio after class or help fold the chairs after a student recital can go a long way to earning you brownie points and helping the more established students warm up to you. If they see that you want to be part of the community, and you're not just there for classes and nothing else, they may finally be ready to welcome you in.

Are you struggling to find the right words for a difficult situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in my next column!

Fragile Friends

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's letter comes from a dance friend and has some dance-related issues in it, but at its heart it's about how to deal with a very specific type of person that we've almost all encountered before. Read on:

I have a Politely Worded request: how/whether to tell someone she's being incredibly clingy. The person I'm thinking of is one of my bellydance students. She's desperately lonely and wants to make friends, but her idea of bonding is to share all the most horrible things that have ever happened to her (including telling near-strangers about being sexually abused) and text you ten times a day.

She's also paranoid about being excluded--one time, she was mistaken about the date of an event, and accused us of lying to her about the date so that we wouldn't have to invite her. On one hand, I feel bad for her; her social difficulties lie partly in the fact that she's on the autism spectrum. On the other hand, it's really very stressful to spend time with her. How can I be kind and yet avoid feeling resentful that she's trying to turn me into her mom?

Oh, and to make matter worse, she's fixated on passing the intermediate test as a sign of social acceptance, but I've been teaching her for most of a year, and she has yet to understand basic posture. wah!

Oh my oh my. Well, I have to admit that I identify with your student in one specific area. I, too, have a certain amount of insecurity about being excluded in my dance community. I once found myself crying in my car because I couldn't find the house we were supposed to have a troupe party at due to a problem with Bing maps, and no one was answering my text messages asking for directions. I convinced myself that they were ignoring me on purpose and didn't want me at the party after all. Of course, when I finally managed to pull the address up on a different map program and made my way there, everyone was happy to see me and they just hadn't heard their phones over the chatter.

When you're socially awkward, it's really easy to work yourself into a tizzy over stupid little things like that. What I've done, and what your student needs to do, is to be aware of the tendency to do that and to catch myself before I go into a death spiral. When I get stood up for a lunch date, instead of immediately thinking "Everyone hates me! Waaaa!" I think about all the more likely reasons. Maybe their car broke down, they wrote the date wrong on their calendar, there was a sudden family emergency. Because you know what? If someone really hated me, they wouldn't invite me out to lunch, so clearly there's some other more logical reason keeping them from meeting me.

You bring up three problems with your student, and each of them could be a PW column on their own, but I'll try to address each of them here.

1. Your student wants to make friends but is really bad at it, because she thinks over-sharing builds closeness when really it scares people off.

Can you meet her for coffee? If not, a nice e-mail or phone call may be necessary for talking about this and also the next issue. Be very careful and positive with your wording -- I say this not just because she's on the autism spectrum, I'd say it about someone who was just a drama queen, too. Start out focusing on her good qualities so she doesn't immediately get defensive and interrupt you. Say something like:

I just wanted to let you know that we're all really happy to have you in dance class. I love how dedicated you are to coming to class, attending events, and making new friends. I've noticed that you're really great about approaching the new students to befriend them! Can I just offer a bit of advice? I think you come on a little too strong with sharing personal details right away. Let people get to know you first! I think if you focus on talking about what you love about dance and what brought you to class and some of your other interests, it will help you and the newbies get to know each other so much more quickly.

2. Your student immediately assumes she was purposefully excluded when she has the wrong date for an event.

One way to prevent this without having to talk to her about it is to try to avoid date confusion in the future. If you don't already, make sure to provide upcoming event dates on a Google calender or in e-mail or as Facebook events. It's easier to remember a date and put it correctly in your personal calendar when you see it written down rather than hearing it. Provide several reminders as an event draws closer... Mention it in class, send out an extra e-mail, send a group text message. Maybe use different media so whatever people check most often, they see it.

Then when you do talk to her, say something like this:

I'm really sorry that you got so upset when you accidentally showed up for the hafla on the wrong day! I want you to know that we would never exclude you like that. In the future I'm going to make sure to be more clear about when things are happening, but if it happens again, please text me right away and I'll let you know what's going on.

3. Your student has unrealistic expectations about her progress in dance class.

Well, it's not unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate class after a year of studying, if you've been practicing hard. It is unrealistic to expect to graduate to intermediate when you don't even have your posture right (I assume this means she's also still struggling with basic moves, too). Rather than bringing this up directly with her (because I want your meeting/e-mail to be mostly positive and solution-based), I'd bring this up in class in a general sense. Say something like this:

Hey everyone, don't forget that we're starting a new intermediate session soon! I know some of you are interested in moving up. Remember that to be eligible for intermediate class you have to be comfortable cuing and leading <list of moves here>. The test will be held next Wednesday, so practice hard until then!

Edit as needed to fit your actual situation. This makes it clear that you have specific requirements to move up and that it's not about playing favorites. Of course, this means you have to stick to your requirements and not fudge them. As someone who has suffered through "intermediate" and "advanced" classes full of students asking questions about beginner moves, I strongly encourage you to stand your ground and not give in.

Your student may contact you to ask why she wasn't allowed to graduate and then you'll have to be honest with her. Point out the areas that she needs work, and then offer suggestions for what she can do. If you offer private lessons, suggest that she take one so you can more closely examine what is wrong with her posture and why she's struggling with certain moves. Suggest specific DVDs, YouTube tutorials or Datura Online videos that she can drill along with at home. Maybe suggest which students she should watch and copy in class. Mention other good teachers in the area that she can get some extra training from, if applicable.

But I suspect your problem will soon take care of itself. When she doesn't pass the intermediate test, she's probably going to either take it personally, or decide that bellydance is too hard and move on to the next would-be source of fulfillment. Of course, that could be my natural pessimism showing. I hope that for her sake and for yours that you can get through to her, and she takes this as inspiration to be a better friend and a better student, and works harder. Best of luck to you both.

Do you have an awkward situation of your own to deal with? Mail it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!

Turning Down Help

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's column is another reader-request topic. My anonymous questioner would like to know the best way to handle unwanted offers of help.

But wait... why wouldn't you want help? Well, there's a variety of reasons. Sometimes you prefer to do things your own way. Every time we visit my in-laws I offer to help clear up after dinner and my mother-in-law always says "No thank you, I have my system" which is really the nicest way to say "I'd rather you didn't get in my way" and honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing an entire column when her words work perfectly. In fact, since we've got that covered, let's talk about other situations.

There may be times when you really need help, but you don't want it from a specific person. Maybe that person annoys you, or maybe they're really bad with what you need help with but think they're really good -- for instance, you have a band and you lose your guitarist and your friend who can barely play the scales (do you even play scales on a guitar? I'm bad at music) jumps at the chance to take their spot. Oh no! How do you politely say "Actually, you suck at the guitar"?

Unfortunately, as far as I know there's no polite way to tell someone they suck (otherwise I'd be doing it all the time because there are a lot of people out there who need to put more effort into what they do). Instead you have to frame it in such a way that suggests that they're not quite what you need. You might say:

"I don't think you quite fit the band's style."

"We really need someone who already knows how to play classical Spanish style guitar. Oh, I'm sure you could learn but we need a new guitarist right now."

"That's so sweet of you but no thank you."

Oftentimes when you go ahead and accept the offer of unskilled help, you just end up wasting more time cleaning up after them than getting things done. I always shudder when someone says they want to "help" with my jewelry business. If they were good at making jewelry, they'd have their own business. Same for people who have never taken a bellydance class in their life but want to come over and dance with me. In both cases, it's obvious that they want free lessons from me, and that's not happening. Of course, this isn't always how unwelcome "help" works out. Mostly people genuinely do mean well, they're just clueless.

To avoid these situations, be careful in mentioning things that you need help with. People tend to think that a complaint is a subtle way of asking for help. After all, when a friend says "Packing is taking forever!" don't you immediately feel compelled to say "Oh, let me know if you need any help moving?" even though helping with moving is the last thing you want to do with your weekend? Of course you do, because you're a good friend. So just don't mention your home improvement plans in front of your friends who see such projects as an excuse to have a nail gun fight, or the friends who always offer to "help" but manage to show up late, not get anything done, and eat all the pizza.

Would you like to suggest a topic for this blog or see your letter published? Please write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com!