When a service provider doesn't provide

Hello Polite Readers!

This week's column was inspired by a friend's question about what to do when you're paying someone for a service and they're just not doing what you've asked them to do, and in fact are doing a bad job. There's a few situations where this could happen:

-You're getting a pedicure and the stylist shaves off your dance callouses even though you told her not to.
-You're getting a massage and the therapist is literally rubbing you the wrong way.
-You ask for a little off the top and end up with a mullet.
-You hire someone to clean your house and they didn't mop the floor.

So I'm not a big fan of the old adage "The customer is always right" because sometimes the customer is wrong, insane, or keeps changing their mind. But chances are you are probably right if you feel like you asked for one thing and were given another. It's important to remember that this person is not doing you a favor, you are paying them to do a job and they should do the job you paid them for. But it's also important to remember that being polite will usually get you further than yelling.

If you catch the person before the damage is done, stop them and politely remind them of what you already agreed to. When you see the nail tech reaching for that callous remover, pull your foot back and say "Oh, I'm a dancer, I need to keep my callouses, thank you!"

In the case of the massage, communicate clearly why what the therapist is doing wrong is uncomfortable to you. If they continue to do things wrong, ask them to stop and either ask for a refund, or if it's one of those places with multiple employees, see if someone else can take over. Say something like "I'm sorry, your technique is making me uncomfortable."

When you get a bad haircut, you should talk to the salon manager and ask for another stylist to fix it. This is a case where I'd have a hard time not getting angry -- my hair is seriously important to me and a bad haircut can be had to repair. Make sure to stress how upset you are without raising your voice. If you're a dancer or model, this is a good time to mention how important your image is to your career and how this might cost you work.

When you've hired someone to do a job like cleaning your house or yard or painting your fence or building your new website and they've left part of it undone, remind them of the parameters of your original agreement. Depending on the situation, you can ask them to stay and finish it, to return the next day, to get it done by a certain deadline, to give you a partial refund for the work left undone, or for a credit towards your next service. Again, be polite and stick to the facts. "In our original contract we agreed I would pay you $100 for you to do X, Y and Z but you only completed X and Y. I need you to have Z done by Friday or I will have to request a partial refund." Depending on the nature of the work and your relationship with the person, you may also want to leave them some room for negotiation, ie, "I paid you for X, Y and Z but you did not provide Z. I was curious if there was a reason why Z was absent, and if so, can we replace it with something else?"

It's a common belief that being polite means that you have to let people walk all over you, but it's not true. You can be polite while still standing up for your rights as a customer. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but you can squeak without yelling.

Do you have an awkward social situation you need help with? Write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and your question could be featured on this blog!

When people want to stand in the way of your dreams

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's letter is a bit of a heart-breaker for me. An anonymous friend (I'm going to dub him Rhys, because I'm in a Welsh mood) writes:

When I was 18 I had the chance to move to LA and live my dream by working for my favorite dance company. I ended up turning it down because my mother said she needed help taking care of my brothers. A few years later I decided to move to Chicago and stuck to my goals. It got UGLY between us and several other members of my family that didn't want me to move. I returned to Tucson and to be honest, I just know it's not for me. Now the dance company in LA is offering me a second chance and I'm ready to take it. I just know everyone is going to freak out and try to persuade me against it again. Any advice to negate fights about the topic?

Oh, Rhys Rhys Rhys, please don't let anyone talk you out of this. You had a rare chance to follow your dreams and you gave it up for family. Now you're being offered a second chance, not at a different dream, but at the same one you turned down before. How often does that happen? Never, that's how often. If you believe in any sort of higher power, you'd have to also believe that said higher power was bludgeoning you over the head with the message "Follow your dreams!!!"

Sadly, you're not the first person I've known whose family seemed determined to keep them where they were. Well, I'm here to tell you that you're an adult and no one can tell you where to live or what to do. Your brothers are not your children. It is not your responsibility to help your mother raise them. Few things break my heart more than seeing an older sibling forced to give up their life to take care of their younger siblings.

So how do you tell your family that you're going for it, you're moving to LA to follow your dreams? You know I'm going to tell you to be firm and polite, right? Ok, good. Let's do it.

Mom, I've decided I'm going to move to LA. Dream Dance Co has offered me a job again, and honestly, there's no opportunity anything like it here in Tucson. If I don't jump on this now, I may never get another chance. The job starts next month, and I'm going to head out a week or two early to get settled into a new place. I've already been looking at some apartments...

 Obviously tweak the facts I gave to fit your actual situation, but you get the idea. Don't ask for permission, make a statement. You are moving. You do have a job lined up. You're looking for a place to live. You have a date and a plan and everything. You are doing this thing, and you're doing her the courtesy of letting her know what's going on.

Other family members don't even need more than that. Just tell them you're moving. Or tell them after you move. I may not be the best person to ask about that, honestly. If not for Facebook I wouldn't be in touch with any of my extended family. If you're super close (although really, why be super close with people who want to crush your dreams?), you may want to give them a pared-down version of what you give your mother.

And then there's your brothers. I don't know how old they are, and I'm not good with kids, but you'll need to give them some age-appropriate chat. Obviously they survived you moving to Chicago for a time, so they can handle this. Especially since LA isn't that far from Tucson, maybe they can come for visits. Surely you'll come back for holidays. And modern technology makes it really easy to stay in touch, so I'm sure you can set up some video chats or XBox live gaming or something to let your little brothers feel like they're still part of your life.

Of course, if your family has given you push-back in the past, they'll probably not be stopped immediately by your firm announcement that you're moving. So when they bring up some sort of complaint, say "I understand your concern, but I've given this a lot of thought and I'm going." Don't explain yourself any more than that. If they try to start a fight, do your best to extricate yourself from it. Change the subject. If that doesn't work, hang up the phone or walk out of the room.

By the way, I know someone who did what you're thinking of doing, and he wasn't exactly polite when he told his parents he was doing what he wanted no matter what, and things were ugly for a bit... but they got better. There's hope for you, Rhys. Be polite. Stand your ground. Make compromises where you can (ie, promise to call your mom every week/other day/day, whatever, but don't let her berate you when you do call), but follow your dreams. Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

Do you have a situation that's left you at a loss for words? Drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be in a future column.

No Solicitors!

Hello, Polite Readers!

We're having a beautiful Spring week here in Tucson, which has apparently pulled the door-to-door solicitors out of their Winter hibernation. From missionaries to security companies to meat salesman, they all knock at my door and set off a flurry of barking corgis. I should really remember to hang a "No Solicitors" sign to deter them, and set the dogs on those who don't read it (don't worry, my dogs aren't vicious, only excessively affectionate and excited), but until them, I have to politely tell them to go away.

The trick is to not let them get started. As soon as they ask you a question which you instinctively answer, they set off on their spiel and waste 10 minutes of your valuable time, never letting you say "Thank you, but I'm not interested."

So this is the one time where I think it is acceptable to both interrupt somebody and shut the door in their face. When my corgi doorbell alerts me to someone at the door, I always open it in case it is a mail delivery or an unexpected drop-in by a friend. When I see that it is not, and my polite "Hello" (punctuated by a sharp "quiet!" at my dogs) is answered with a "Hello I'm with --" this is where I cut them off and say "I'm not interested, have a nice day" and close the door before they can argue with me.

It's important to be polite, because whoever they are, they are just doing their job (well, except for the missionaries. Is that a paid job or volunteer work? I guess it varies from church to church), even if their job might be to scam you out of your money. Invariably when I do get suckered into talking to one of these people, they are full of high-pressure sales tactics and want you to buy right away, without any chance to read up on their product or research it on the internet or discuss it with your spouse or roommates. No thank you!

There are times when you may want to let the person at least finish saying who they are with. Maybe you're waiting for Girl Scouts to come by with cookies, or if they have a clipboard, you may want to see if they're collecting signatures for something you believe in.

That said, please remember to put safety first! If anything about the person at the door strikes you as off, do not open your door to them! Don't let them in, don't step outside to talk to them on the porch! If they are insistent, it is perfectly OK to say "I'm sorry, I'm too busy right now" and close that door right in their face.

Lastly... please feel free to give the stink-eye to anyone who thinks it is OK to ring your doorbell before 10am on a weekend morning! There is nothing polite about waking people up.

What would YOU like to see me write about next? Send your letters and suggestions to Politelyworded@gmail.com please!

Talking to the boss

Hello Polite Readers!

I've been asked to talk about standing up to your boss. I had to mull it over for a couple of weeks because I'm not really a normal day job kind of person, and as such, I don't have a lot of experience dealing with bosses. When my husband has an issue at work, I'll say "Well you should tell your boss this and this" and he'll mutter something about how I obviously don't know how business works. Apparently managers don't respond well to my natural snark, so let's go into Politely Worded Mode.

First, decide if the issue is worth making a stand about. If you feel like the boss's current policies are going to cost the business money, or if it's an issue of personal safety (physical or emotional) then you should definitely bring it up. But if you want to complain that your boss's collection of Precious Moments figurines is tacky and makes the office look unprofessional to potential new hires, that's probably not worth the hassle.

If you're pretty sure it's a serious matter, then discuss it with one or two close friends and make sure they agree that it's a big deal and get their opinion on valid points that you can bring up in your argument. For instance, if you have to leave the store at night down an unlit flight of stairs, be sure to bring up employee safety and how if you did fall and break your arm, you'd have to be out on disability until you healed, and then who would do your job?

If it's something that is affecting multiple employees (let's stick with the dangerous staircase above), talk with the rest of them too and get their feelings. Have any of them had a close brush with falling? Have customers noticed and complained? Choose one employee to be the spokesperson (we'll assume it's you) but get permission to mention the others by name.

Before you go to the boss, do a little research or soul-searching on the ideal solution to the problem. For instance, look into the cost of installing a light. Get the name of a good contractor who can do the work. In the case of a less physical, more emotional issue, such as being bullied or forced to work unpaid overtime, decide what you need to have changed to feel comfortable at work.

Now, choose a good time to bring it up. You don't want to start berating your boss during a big rush of customers, nor do you want to start the day off on the wrong foot, nor do you want to start something at the end of the day when you have a pressing appointment right after work. If there's never a convenient time at work, you may need to write an e-mail instead.

Finally, the hard part. Use my favorite firm-but-polite attitude to confront your manager. Stick to the facts and the proposed solution. Continuing with the dangerous staircase scenario, you might say something like this:

Thanks for taking the time to have this meeting with me! I wanted to let you know that we're all really concerned about the back staircase. It's unlit, and those of us who work the closing shift have had a few bad scares on it. Did you know that last week Jane slipped on an icy stair and fell down? Luckily she only had bruises, but if one of us tripped at the top we could break something and possibly be unable to work! I know you prefer us to lock up the front and then go out the back, so for our safety I think it would be best to install a light back there. I did a little poking around on-line and I think it would only cost the company about $xx to put up a fixture. Is that possible?

Now be open to the boss suggesting other possibilities. It may be that the lease doesn't allow any changes to be made to the building, or that there's no money in the budget for improvements. The boss may suggest keeping flash lights by the back door instead. You might suggest being allowed to go out the front at closing. It may take a bit of negotiation to come to an ideal situation.

Keep in mind that no matter how polite and well thought out your argument is, the boss might just say no. Some don't like to be questioned or given suggestions on what to do. At this point you will have to decide whether you can come up with your own work-around (carry a flash light in your purse), take it up the food chain (assuming your boss isn't the owner/CEO/top of the line), pursue legal recourse (is it an OSHA violation?), suck it up (well, you haven't broken your neck yet, after all), or start looking for a job with a better situation and a better boss.

I hope you can adapt this hypothetical situation to whatever real boss-problems you may have. If any of my readers have a specific workplace situation that needs addressing, feel free to e-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you may be the subject of my next column!

My customer, my friend

Hello Polite Readers!

Today's post is inspired by a conversation with some fellow small business owners, and it turns out this is a situation many of us have been in... Every now and then you get a great repeat customer who is wonderful, but also thinks that you are their new best friend and sends you long, rambling e-mails all about their life.

Sometimes this is awesome and you find that you have a lot in common with your customer and they actually do become your new best friend! It's great when business leads to amazing new friendships with someone who you never would have met if they hadn't wandered into your store (real or virtual).

But then there are the people who are perfectly nice, but you just don't have anything in common with them. Often times, the customers who latch onto you have a good reason for it. Either your work speaks to them on some deep level that makes them feel an instant connection, or they're leading a really isolated life and are reaching out for any sort of human interaction. As such, it feels horrible to not engage with them, to not give them that connection that they want or need.

However, when you're a business owner, time is often at a premium. Can you really set aside the time to respond to three-page-long e-mails detailing everything that has happened in your customer's week, complete with an outpouring of the emotions they felt? If it's an occasional message it's not that bad, but when it turns to weekly or even daily messages, and then they find your IM screen name or friend you on Facebook and send you constant messages while you're trying to list things on Etsy, well, it gets overwhelming.

I think the best option is to remain engaged, but a bit removed. Skim the e-mails they send you, and respond with something short but heartfelt that applies to the situation. Maybe include the occasional helpful website or inspirational quote. When time allows, send a longer e-mail from time to time. Be sure to make the occasional mention of how busy you are with your shop, so they will hopefully catch on that your e-mails are shorter than theirs because you are so busy creating the art they love, or stocking the supplies they use.

And what about the IM or Facebook convos? This is a firm but polite situation. Maybe chat occasionally, but in general say something like: "Oh, Jill! It's so nice to hear from you but I'm really busy editing photos, I don't really have time to chat right now. I'll e-mail you tonight once I have all these new items up. Take care!" It's friendly, it's sweet, it lets her know when she'll hear from you so she doesn't feel blown off, but it also sets some boundaries.

Too often, when you run your own business working from home, people think that since you are home all day, and perhaps at the computer all day, that you have all the time in the world to chat with them. You may find that you occasionally need to disabuse them of this notion, otherwise you will find your productivity plummeting as your day is suddenly filled with casual chats and e-mails. It's OK to tell people that you're working and you can't chat until your lunch break, or the end of your work day. Just because you're not in  an office doesn't mean you don't keep business hours.

Do you have your own business troubles that you need a polite way to handle? Or do you have some stressful holiday encounters coming up? E-mail your problems to Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll help!