The Politely Worded Guide to Vaguebooking

Hello Polite Readers!

This week I'd like to talk to you about Vaguebooking. For those who aren't familiar with the term, it refers to posting a purposefully oblique status on a social network, such as "I'm so annoyed right now!" or "I have a secret!" Now, some people are strongly against the idea of Vaguebooking, but I think it's one of those things that most of us have engaged in at some point, and in the right circumstances, it's OK to do. Let's look at some of the reasons why you might indulge in Vaguebooking, and the most polite ways to approach them.

1. You have some good news to share and you can't announce it quite yet, but you want to watch your friends have a guessing game about it.

This is a pretty benign form of Vaguebooking, it can be fun for everyone involved as your friends come up with crazier and crazier things that might be making you happy. Of course, if you're a woman you'll have to put up with the inevitable assumption that you're pregnant. If you are going to do this, don't make people wait too long to find out what you're talking about!

2. You're really annoyed about something someone did and you want everyone to know that you're annoyed, but you don't specifically want to explain the situation.

I consider this one of the most annoying forms of Vaguebooking. It is generally not polite to be passive aggressive. It's better to take your problem directly to the person who caused it and find a way to work it out, rather than making a snarky Facebook post.

3. You've just received some bad news that you're not at liberty to share, and you're really upset about it.

Maybe you just found out that a loved one has a serious illness but doesn't want to announce it publicly, or that your company is closing at the end of the month and you'll be out a job, but you're not supposed to know it yet. In cases like this I think it's usually best to talk about it with a trusted friend, but sometimes you might need to Vaguebook to give everyone an idea of why you're no longer posting jokes and playing Farmville.

4. You're upset about something, anything, and you want everyone to know it and to pay lots of attention to you.

Vaguebooking generally draws more attention than just posting what you're upset about. For instance, if you post "Some jerk keyed my car while I was at the bank!" you'll get a lot of sympathy about how much people suck. But if you post "Grrrr!" then you'll get a whole lot of "What's wrong? Is everything OK? Do you need something?" and then when you finally tell them about the keying, you'll get that sympathy. It can be easy to get addicted to the attention you get from these tactics, but if you over-do it, your friends will start to get frustrated with the way you post about every little annoyance as if it was a personal slight from the universe and they'll ignore you. Generally save this one for when you're really upset, you need to blow off a little steam, but you're not going to be able to explain yourself until later.

One more thing... I really, strongly suggest NOT Vaguebooking negatively about anyone who's going to read it. If you're having an argument with your mom about politics and you go post "Ugh, I can't believe how dense people are!" you're just going to make things worse. Again, if you need to blow off steam about something like that, do so privately to a friend who isn't going to share with anyone else.

If you have a situation you'd like help with, just drop a line to Politelyworded@gmail.com and your letter could be featured here!

Correcting people on the internet

This comic is constantly referenced in my house. Visit XKCD for more great comics.

Hello Polite Readers,

Oh goodness, I gave in and added an image. I couldn't resist, this comic is just so perfect for today's topic, which is about how to be polite when correcting misinformation on Facebook and other internet forums.

Now that we live in a world where we're constantly connected to almost everyone we know via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Pinterest, Tumblr and more, we're also constantly bombarded with their opinions about everything. And sometimes, we find that the people we know are just plain wrong. Next thing you know, you've spent the entire day arguing with them and five of their like-minded friends, and you have nothing to show for it.

Personally, I don't really like to argue on-line anymore. I got burned by too many people who were not at all interested in my politely stated facts and just decided to insult me. I do still occasionally get into it with people over something I feel especially strong over, or when people are spreading clear misinformation, but otherwise I avoid it. Here are my guidelines for when Someone is WRONG on the Internet:

1. Is it fact or opinion? It's very hard to change people's opinions by arguing on Facebook. But if you're polite, you can usually correct people about facts. Say things like "Actually, that study has since been proven to be based on bad data" or "I'm sorry, as much as I wish it were true, this one is an urban legend."

2. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if your uncle believes that Microsoft will give him a million dollars for forwarding an e-mail. On the other hand, it does matter if someone is spreading dangerous misinformation about treating the flu with lead paint (I think I managed to make up something so ridiculous that no one has actually suggested it and no one will be offended, right?).

3. Do you feel confident in your argument? If you don't have a really informed opinion and reliable sources to back you up, don't jump into the fray. "Actually, I heard someplace that Donald Trump's toupee is made of kittens" is not as strong as "Here is a five page expose on the wig factory that uses 100% kitten fur."

4. Will it make things awkward? Arguing with a distant family member who you see every few years is not a big deal, but getting into a political debate with your parents before Mother's Day brunch might make for a sulky family meal. Likewise, arguing with your troupemates might lead to sore feelings at the next practice, and arguing where would-be customers and clients can see it may cost you business.

5. Can you stay calm? There are some things I never get into arguments about because I am SO passionate about them that I will get myself so wound up that I can't even function for the rest of the day. Even if I manage to remain polite in my posts, I stomp around the house buzzing with anxious energy, just wishing I could say what I really want to, wishing the other person wasn't being so dense. It's unfair when those around you have to suffer the results of your arguments.

Over all, it's a complicated subject. Sometimes it feels like by not arguing with people, you're tacitly agreeing with them. Sometimes the answer is to make an opposing post of your own on your Facebook or blog, but that can look passive aggressive and cowardly. So choose which soapbox you're going to stand on, and make sure that whatever you say is polite, well-informed, and has plenty of sources to back it up. Good luck out there.

Is there a situation where you struggle to keep your cool? Send me a letter at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I'll do my best to advise you on how to be calm and collected.