Hello Polite Readers!
Happy New Year and welcome to 2014! I am pretty excited for this year and I am looking forward to answering your letters (here's a not-so-subtle hint that you should write to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com). I'd like to start this year with some ideas on how to be more polite in general in the New Year. Whether or not you're big on resolutions (I'm not), the start of the year is as good a time as any to make some positive changes in your life and how you interact with those around you.
Let's start with the easiest one... Please, thank you and you're welcome said with sincerity. It's such a simple thing to do but it really makes people feel respected. When I work retail, I'm always much happier to help the customers who use these words as opposed to those who order me around. And while we're on the subject, I often find that when a cashier or other employee says to me "Hi, How are you?" and I respond in kind, they're strangely surprised and pleased by this small display of manners. So take a moment to acknowledge the people who help you.
Next, take steps to appear more polite in your on-line correspondence. Often we come across as rude or angry when we're firing off a quick response. Taking the time to think about your response and phrasing it politely can work wonders. For instance, respond to a text that says "How about dinner at 6pm?" with "Fine." comes across as angry even if you don't mean it that way, but "Cool" or "Sounds great!" come across as more positive.
Look for instances in your life to be a little more polite to people, whether it's holding the door open for someone behind you, or offering to help someone struggling to reach the high shelf in the store, or letting someone else grab the primo parking spot.
Now for the biggie... one by one, work on your "triggers" for rude behavior. I think a lot of us have things that make us see red and forget our manners. Now, I am not ever going to suggest that you should lie down and take an insult, or not react when someone does something wrong. I'm instead going to suggest that you look for good ways to channel your annoyance into a reasonable response. Take some time to come up with some good stock responses to a situation. Maybe even practice them with a friend as a roleplaying scenario. Depending on what makes you angry, you may need to spend some time researching it (ie, if you get angry about seeing dogs left out in bad weather, research who you can report it to, stats that you can use to convince people not to do it, groups in your area that volunteer with abandoned dogs, etc etc). I promise you'll feel pretty awesome about yourself when a nasty situation springs up in real life and you handle it with a cool head and put the offender in their place.
Oh, and one more thing, don't forget to be polite to yourself! Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes or flaws. Nobody's perfect and we're all a work in progress. Forgive yourself and just try to do better in the future.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Tips for a Polite Christmas and Beyond
Hello Polite Readers!
Well, when I decided to restart this blog I didn't think about the fact that my columns would fall on two holidays in a row. For today and New Years Day I'll have a couple of themed columns and then it's back to answering your letters!
Before we get started, a little note to my fellow non-Christmas-celebrating readers: Hello. I know, I know. Christmas. Ugh. What are you gonna do? I've been counting down the days until I wouldn't have to hear "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" or "Santa Baby" again, and here I am contributing to the problem. But I think we can all agree that the dreaded C-Day brings out some bad behavior in people, so let's politely help them behave.
Here's a few tips to stay cool and polite this Christmas, inspired by past columns and real-life experience.
1. Be thankful for any gifts you receive, no matter how tacky or otherwise inappropriate they might be. You can dispose of them later, but in front of the gift-giver, be the very image of gratitude.
2. Be prepared to dodge awkward conversations. If you know ahead of time that you're going to have to deal with people whose religious or political beliefs are opposite yours, or who think they have the right to comment negatively on your relationships, reproductive choices, or physical appearance, pre-plan some firm but polite responses, and good ways to change the subject to more neutral ground.
3. Be ready to compromise. We don't usually get to do exactly what we want for the holidays. You may need to be gracious about accommodating extra guests, eating less than fabulous food, or watching sports or schmaltzy Christmas movies that you don't particularly like.
4. Be firm but polite about your boundaries. You do not need to let your creepy uncle hug you, you do not have to eat the food you're allergic to, you do not have to get drawn into a conversation about how the guy you voted for in the last election is an idiot.
5. Be generous however you can. Give thoughtful gifts. Bring something delicious to the potluck. Bring a hostess gift. Donate to charity. Be free with the compliments. Help with clean-up.
6. And remember, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever you say, the thought behind it should be the same "I hope you have a good day whatever you celebrate."
See you in 2014! In the meantime, you can always drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com with your questions about civil discourse.
Well, when I decided to restart this blog I didn't think about the fact that my columns would fall on two holidays in a row. For today and New Years Day I'll have a couple of themed columns and then it's back to answering your letters!
Before we get started, a little note to my fellow non-Christmas-celebrating readers: Hello. I know, I know. Christmas. Ugh. What are you gonna do? I've been counting down the days until I wouldn't have to hear "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" or "Santa Baby" again, and here I am contributing to the problem. But I think we can all agree that the dreaded C-Day brings out some bad behavior in people, so let's politely help them behave.
Here's a few tips to stay cool and polite this Christmas, inspired by past columns and real-life experience.
1. Be thankful for any gifts you receive, no matter how tacky or otherwise inappropriate they might be. You can dispose of them later, but in front of the gift-giver, be the very image of gratitude.
2. Be prepared to dodge awkward conversations. If you know ahead of time that you're going to have to deal with people whose religious or political beliefs are opposite yours, or who think they have the right to comment negatively on your relationships, reproductive choices, or physical appearance, pre-plan some firm but polite responses, and good ways to change the subject to more neutral ground.
3. Be ready to compromise. We don't usually get to do exactly what we want for the holidays. You may need to be gracious about accommodating extra guests, eating less than fabulous food, or watching sports or schmaltzy Christmas movies that you don't particularly like.
4. Be firm but polite about your boundaries. You do not need to let your creepy uncle hug you, you do not have to eat the food you're allergic to, you do not have to get drawn into a conversation about how the guy you voted for in the last election is an idiot.
5. Be generous however you can. Give thoughtful gifts. Bring something delicious to the potluck. Bring a hostess gift. Donate to charity. Be free with the compliments. Help with clean-up.
6. And remember, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever you say, the thought behind it should be the same "I hope you have a good day whatever you celebrate."
See you in 2014! In the meantime, you can always drop me a line at Politelyworded@gmail.com with your questions about civil discourse.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Complimenting, Condoning, Critiquing, Criticizing and other words that start with C.
Hello Polite Readers!
This week's question comes from one of my dancing friends and has to do with politely correcting someone's dance, although you can apply these tips to other art forms and knowledge as well:
I'm glad you asked! This is a really important question because while oftentimes I'd tell you to just politely refuse to critique them by saying "I don't think I'm really qualified to critique you" or something along those lines, there's currently a great trend in the dance community of hosting salons where dancers bring their new works to be critiqued by each other, so you're going to be expected to politely express your opinion.
First and foremost, I always recommend using the "Criticism Sandwich" that I've discussed before on this blog. Make sure your complaints or questions about their stylistic choices are firmly sandwiched between two compliments about their technique, stage presence or musicality (try not to make one of the compliments be about their costume, as some dancers immediately take this to mean that their dance sucked and you can't think of one nice thing to say about it. The exception to this would be if you know they made the costume, you should compliment their hard work on that at some point).
Next, you have to decide how serious their infringement was and how qualified you are to address it. For instance, as a student of tribal fusion who is also enthusiastic about all bellydance styles, I enjoy watching Egyptian-style belly dance but I don't know enough about it to really explain what exactly makes something Egyptian and to call someone on it for not being very, well, Egyptian. I could have a deep gut feeling that what I just watched wasn't very authentic, but I wouldn't be able to back up my argument with facts. I'd just have to hope that someone with a strong background in that style would question the dancer's choice.
But if you are, for instance, an experienced ATS dancer and you see someone dancing something that doesn't include a single FCBD-approved move (or has just a couple moves sprinkled into an otherwise cabaret-inspired piece which looks suspiciously choreographed), you're in a good position to ask the dancer why she chose to call her dance ATS. Here's an imaginary conversation:
As for the constant drift of fusion... That's a tricky one because everyone seems to have their own idea of how much bellydance there has to be in a dance for it to be still considered "tribal fusion", and everyone has their own opinion of which moves count as bellydance and which moves are shared by enough different styles of dance that they don't truly count unless you're using them with nothing but other bellydance. *sigh* It is true that sometimes in the pursuit of more artistic expression or excitement over a new technique she finally mastered in jazz class, a dancer might start to offer material that has little to no bellydance technique in it without consciously meaning to drift so far. They might think that what they're presenting is bellydance, because they still consider themselves a bellydancer and they still practice their bellydance technique, they just sort of forgot to put any of it in this particular choreography. Ooops.
The question is whether or not to address it? If you do, you run the risk of sounding like the Bellydance Police. My knee-jerk reaction to hearing "That's not bellydance!" is to say "Sure it is, it's just not what you're used to!" even if afterwards, when watching a video or replaying it in my mind later I realize that yeah, actually, that was 100% lyrical jazz without any bellydance in it.
Honestly, I think the occasional non-bellydance in an otherwise bellydance show is a little breath of fresh air and can provoke conversation, so if someone does it once and asks for your opinion, I'd let it slide and leave it up to the event promoter to address if they feel it wasn't bellydance enough for their event. But if it seems to be a trend with this particular performer, or with a large part of your community, bring it up casually. "I really liked your performance tonight but lately I've noticed that your work seems really heavily influenced by jazz/ballet/hiphop/clogging and I'm not seeing as much traditional bellydance. Are you changing your focus?" Don't make it seem like a bad thing, even if you don't like it. You may find that they were feeling a little burned out or constrained by bellydance, started exploring other directions, went a little astray and needed a friendly question to remind them to move back towards their roots.
The important thing is to have a gentle touch. Don't say "Your dance was NOT..." but make it more about opinions instead of facts. Try to avoid appearing to be a know-it-all or the style police, make the focus about making sure "the general public" doesn't get confused (when in doubt, always blame the poor, confused general public, they just don't understand that there are different styles of bellydance so we have to make everything really clear for them!).
I hope this helps!
If you have your own sticky situation, write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured soon!
This week's question comes from one of my dancing friends and has to do with politely correcting someone's dance, although you can apply these tips to other art forms and knowledge as well:
Hey there! I'm not sure if you've addressed this or not but I thought it would be the perfect thing to ask you about for your blog.
I love belly dancing. I love all forms of it; it makes me happy like you would not believe. However I cannot stand when a person says "Oh the style I'm doing is ATS" when it is clearly cabaret or "I'm doing fusion" when it is, in essence, interpretive/modern dance. It drives me batty. I'd rather a person say "I'm doing cabaret and adding a bit of my own style into it" as opposed to saying something else.That being said, how do you provide feedback or constructive criticism to someone when they ask for it? You can't rightly say "your dancing was NOT type A" as that would be incredibly inappropriate.Help?
I'm glad you asked! This is a really important question because while oftentimes I'd tell you to just politely refuse to critique them by saying "I don't think I'm really qualified to critique you" or something along those lines, there's currently a great trend in the dance community of hosting salons where dancers bring their new works to be critiqued by each other, so you're going to be expected to politely express your opinion.
First and foremost, I always recommend using the "Criticism Sandwich" that I've discussed before on this blog. Make sure your complaints or questions about their stylistic choices are firmly sandwiched between two compliments about their technique, stage presence or musicality (try not to make one of the compliments be about their costume, as some dancers immediately take this to mean that their dance sucked and you can't think of one nice thing to say about it. The exception to this would be if you know they made the costume, you should compliment their hard work on that at some point).
Next, you have to decide how serious their infringement was and how qualified you are to address it. For instance, as a student of tribal fusion who is also enthusiastic about all bellydance styles, I enjoy watching Egyptian-style belly dance but I don't know enough about it to really explain what exactly makes something Egyptian and to call someone on it for not being very, well, Egyptian. I could have a deep gut feeling that what I just watched wasn't very authentic, but I wouldn't be able to back up my argument with facts. I'd just have to hope that someone with a strong background in that style would question the dancer's choice.
But if you are, for instance, an experienced ATS dancer and you see someone dancing something that doesn't include a single FCBD-approved move (or has just a couple moves sprinkled into an otherwise cabaret-inspired piece which looks suspiciously choreographed), you're in a good position to ask the dancer why she chose to call her dance ATS. Here's an imaginary conversation:
Her: Hey, what did you think of my dance?
You: It was nice! I was really impressed by how crisp your turns are. But I am a little confused as to why you called it an ATS performance? It didn't look like the ATS I'm used to.
(Note that at this point you've given her an open-faced criticism sandwich as you have to pause to let her answer your question)
Her: Oh well, I'm an American and I was dancing to a song that sounds really tribal and I felt like wearing a big skirt and drawing Berber tattoos on my face, so I felt like that made it American Tribal Style.
You: I see why you would think that, but actually ATS refers to a specific style <insert proper description here, phrased gently>.
Her: Thank you, I didn't know that!
You: No problem! And by the way, great shimmies. I look forward to seeing more from you in the future! (Now you've put that second slice of yummy bread on top of the meaty criticism)
As for the constant drift of fusion... That's a tricky one because everyone seems to have their own idea of how much bellydance there has to be in a dance for it to be still considered "tribal fusion", and everyone has their own opinion of which moves count as bellydance and which moves are shared by enough different styles of dance that they don't truly count unless you're using them with nothing but other bellydance. *sigh* It is true that sometimes in the pursuit of more artistic expression or excitement over a new technique she finally mastered in jazz class, a dancer might start to offer material that has little to no bellydance technique in it without consciously meaning to drift so far. They might think that what they're presenting is bellydance, because they still consider themselves a bellydancer and they still practice their bellydance technique, they just sort of forgot to put any of it in this particular choreography. Ooops.
The question is whether or not to address it? If you do, you run the risk of sounding like the Bellydance Police. My knee-jerk reaction to hearing "That's not bellydance!" is to say "Sure it is, it's just not what you're used to!" even if afterwards, when watching a video or replaying it in my mind later I realize that yeah, actually, that was 100% lyrical jazz without any bellydance in it.
Honestly, I think the occasional non-bellydance in an otherwise bellydance show is a little breath of fresh air and can provoke conversation, so if someone does it once and asks for your opinion, I'd let it slide and leave it up to the event promoter to address if they feel it wasn't bellydance enough for their event. But if it seems to be a trend with this particular performer, or with a large part of your community, bring it up casually. "I really liked your performance tonight but lately I've noticed that your work seems really heavily influenced by jazz/ballet/hiphop/clogging and I'm not seeing as much traditional bellydance. Are you changing your focus?" Don't make it seem like a bad thing, even if you don't like it. You may find that they were feeling a little burned out or constrained by bellydance, started exploring other directions, went a little astray and needed a friendly question to remind them to move back towards their roots.
The important thing is to have a gentle touch. Don't say "Your dance was NOT..." but make it more about opinions instead of facts. Try to avoid appearing to be a know-it-all or the style police, make the focus about making sure "the general public" doesn't get confused (when in doubt, always blame the poor, confused general public, they just don't understand that there are different styles of bellydance so we have to make everything really clear for them!).
I hope this helps!
If you have your own sticky situation, write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured soon!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Dealing with "Toppers"
Hello Polite Readers!
Politely Worded is back! I had a very busy Autumn and sort of let it fall by the wayside, but I've really missed this blog so I hope you'll help me revive it by sending your letters to Politelyworded@gmail.com. I'll be resuming my regular every-Wednesday update schedule.
I'd like to kick things off by discussing a problem that I've been witnessing on Facebook and other social media a lot lately, which is "topper" behavior. You know the sort, whatever happens to you, they have a story of something better, worse or more crazy that happened to them. I'm not referring to sharing similar stories in a spirit of camaraderie, but of saying "Oh, that's nothing, the other day I..."
You'll see it a lot this time of year in regards to weather. Large chunks of the US just got hit with a nasty cold storm, which means that quite a few of us were colder than we expected to be before the Solstice hit. This means that quite a few of us in traditionally warm areas were complaining about the sudden cold, having to cover our plants, trying to find a good coat, and getting the furnace or fireplace up and running. Almost every single AZ person ended up with a response from someone farther north or east telling us to suck it up, because it was 18F or whatever where they were.
You'll also see it with health issues. If you have a cold or sprained your wrist, you get told not to complain, because someone else has a chronic illness.
But here's the thing: knowing someone else has it worse than you doesn't automatically make your own discomfort going away. Objectively, I know 18F is much colder than 50F, but that does nothing to stop me from being chilled because I'm adapted to a warm climate. Objectively, a cold isn't that big of a deal but it is annoying when you get one two days before a major dance performance when you should be practicing. Unhappiness is not a contest where only the winners (losers?) get sympathy.
Similarly, you may see this attitude in regards to causes. If you're involved in the "body love" movement, you'll see people saying that because people who are overweight face more stigma than people who are thin, we should ignore the problem of skinny shaming. But knowing that some other group gets bullied more than you do doesn't make it hurt less when someone says something mean. Likewise, if we all gave all of our money to curing cancer, for instance, it wouldn't do anything to help people living in poverty, or rescue abused pets or preserve a local historic building.
So what do you do when faced with this sort of attitude? It depends on the situation. If someone is just spouting off a stupid opinion in their own status update, you should probably not engage. If they respond to your own update with a "suck it up" sort of attitude, I recommend killing them with kindness. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that it's so cold where you are. I could never live there, I like my warm winters too much." Or pointedly ignore them. Respond to the people who add to the conversation and ignore the people who just want to draw attention to themselves or be negative.
Sometimes, you can use it as a teaching moment. When dealing with social issues and "X is worse than Y" opinions, engage them in a thoughtful conversation. Ask them why they feel that way, explain why you disagree (or why you agree, but you find that you're able to combat both X and Y). With luck you'll be able to have an intelligent conversation and you'll both come out of it feeling better-educated and more empathic to those who feel differently.
If you find that someone is a constant negative influence in your on-line life and you don't need to communicate with them, you should really just unfriend them or otherwise remove them from your network. If they do need to be a part of your life, it may be time to send them a private message and ask why they have been making such pointed comments on your posts, and is something bothering them?
Next week we'll have a question of dance etiquette, my favorite!
Politely Worded is back! I had a very busy Autumn and sort of let it fall by the wayside, but I've really missed this blog so I hope you'll help me revive it by sending your letters to Politelyworded@gmail.com. I'll be resuming my regular every-Wednesday update schedule.
I'd like to kick things off by discussing a problem that I've been witnessing on Facebook and other social media a lot lately, which is "topper" behavior. You know the sort, whatever happens to you, they have a story of something better, worse or more crazy that happened to them. I'm not referring to sharing similar stories in a spirit of camaraderie, but of saying "Oh, that's nothing, the other day I..."
You'll see it a lot this time of year in regards to weather. Large chunks of the US just got hit with a nasty cold storm, which means that quite a few of us were colder than we expected to be before the Solstice hit. This means that quite a few of us in traditionally warm areas were complaining about the sudden cold, having to cover our plants, trying to find a good coat, and getting the furnace or fireplace up and running. Almost every single AZ person ended up with a response from someone farther north or east telling us to suck it up, because it was 18F or whatever where they were.
You'll also see it with health issues. If you have a cold or sprained your wrist, you get told not to complain, because someone else has a chronic illness.
But here's the thing: knowing someone else has it worse than you doesn't automatically make your own discomfort going away. Objectively, I know 18F is much colder than 50F, but that does nothing to stop me from being chilled because I'm adapted to a warm climate. Objectively, a cold isn't that big of a deal but it is annoying when you get one two days before a major dance performance when you should be practicing. Unhappiness is not a contest where only the winners (losers?) get sympathy.
Similarly, you may see this attitude in regards to causes. If you're involved in the "body love" movement, you'll see people saying that because people who are overweight face more stigma than people who are thin, we should ignore the problem of skinny shaming. But knowing that some other group gets bullied more than you do doesn't make it hurt less when someone says something mean. Likewise, if we all gave all of our money to curing cancer, for instance, it wouldn't do anything to help people living in poverty, or rescue abused pets or preserve a local historic building.
So what do you do when faced with this sort of attitude? It depends on the situation. If someone is just spouting off a stupid opinion in their own status update, you should probably not engage. If they respond to your own update with a "suck it up" sort of attitude, I recommend killing them with kindness. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that it's so cold where you are. I could never live there, I like my warm winters too much." Or pointedly ignore them. Respond to the people who add to the conversation and ignore the people who just want to draw attention to themselves or be negative.
Sometimes, you can use it as a teaching moment. When dealing with social issues and "X is worse than Y" opinions, engage them in a thoughtful conversation. Ask them why they feel that way, explain why you disagree (or why you agree, but you find that you're able to combat both X and Y). With luck you'll be able to have an intelligent conversation and you'll both come out of it feeling better-educated and more empathic to those who feel differently.
If you find that someone is a constant negative influence in your on-line life and you don't need to communicate with them, you should really just unfriend them or otherwise remove them from your network. If they do need to be a part of your life, it may be time to send them a private message and ask why they have been making such pointed comments on your posts, and is something bothering them?
Next week we'll have a question of dance etiquette, my favorite!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Telling someone what they have to pay for
Hello Polite Readers!
It should come as no great surprise that a lot of the topics for this blog come from talking with my fellow artists and small business owners. When you are the face of your business and you're working through a difficult economy, you really want to impress clients with your professional, polite correspondences, but sometimes it's almost impossible to find the right wording.
Case in point: Sometimes you need to make it clear to a client that they're going to be the one to cover a certain extra expense related to what they're asking of you. There's many situations where this might arise. As a bellydancer, I might charge extra for a gig outside of town to cover my gas money. As a jewelry designer, I would have to charge more for a custom necklace if it was going to require more expensive materials than the similar one in my shop the client was inspired by.
There's a couple of important points to consider when informing your client about the cost of what they want. First, don't ask, state. Instead of saying "Will you be able to..." or "Can you..." you will say "Due to the fact that your party is 100 miles from my studio, I will have to add an extra $30 to my usual fee" or whatever. Also, don't make it about your budget. Never say "I can't afford" or "My finances won't allow." No matter how broke you actually might be, you always want to give the impression that you are a successful artist, and that this is simply your usual policy and that's just how things are in the art world. Your finances are none of your client's concern, they just need to know how much they should pay you.
One more thing to keep in mind: Charge more than what you need to. If you have to travel, it's not just your gas money, it's also time, wear and tear on your vehicle, and the inconvenience. If you have to order special materials, chances are your supplier has a minimum so you'll have to order other things, too, and you might only need 12 beads but they come in packages of 20, so you have to pay for and then find a use for those extra 8 beads. So don't hesitate to roll a little annoyance fee in to anything that forces you to work outside of your normal parameters. Far too often you'll find that these things take longer or cost more than you expected and you end up losing money (whether it's actual money, or loss of time you could have spent on other things you'd get paid for). Protect yourself!
Remember of course to be firm but polite as always. State only what you need to in order to explain to the client why this request will cost more than your standard work. Don't bog them down in details (ie, only say "I will be adding $50 for travel expenses" and not "Gas will cost $20 but there's also the fact that I should really get my spare tire replaced before I make a long drive..."). Also, get it out of the way early on in the conversation, don't spring it on them after they've already made a non-refundable deposit or otherwise committed to the deal. Unless they change the details on you, you're not allowed to change the cost on them.
Do you have an awkward situation you'd like help with? Send it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!
It should come as no great surprise that a lot of the topics for this blog come from talking with my fellow artists and small business owners. When you are the face of your business and you're working through a difficult economy, you really want to impress clients with your professional, polite correspondences, but sometimes it's almost impossible to find the right wording.
Case in point: Sometimes you need to make it clear to a client that they're going to be the one to cover a certain extra expense related to what they're asking of you. There's many situations where this might arise. As a bellydancer, I might charge extra for a gig outside of town to cover my gas money. As a jewelry designer, I would have to charge more for a custom necklace if it was going to require more expensive materials than the similar one in my shop the client was inspired by.
There's a couple of important points to consider when informing your client about the cost of what they want. First, don't ask, state. Instead of saying "Will you be able to..." or "Can you..." you will say "Due to the fact that your party is 100 miles from my studio, I will have to add an extra $30 to my usual fee" or whatever. Also, don't make it about your budget. Never say "I can't afford" or "My finances won't allow." No matter how broke you actually might be, you always want to give the impression that you are a successful artist, and that this is simply your usual policy and that's just how things are in the art world. Your finances are none of your client's concern, they just need to know how much they should pay you.
One more thing to keep in mind: Charge more than what you need to. If you have to travel, it's not just your gas money, it's also time, wear and tear on your vehicle, and the inconvenience. If you have to order special materials, chances are your supplier has a minimum so you'll have to order other things, too, and you might only need 12 beads but they come in packages of 20, so you have to pay for and then find a use for those extra 8 beads. So don't hesitate to roll a little annoyance fee in to anything that forces you to work outside of your normal parameters. Far too often you'll find that these things take longer or cost more than you expected and you end up losing money (whether it's actual money, or loss of time you could have spent on other things you'd get paid for). Protect yourself!
Remember of course to be firm but polite as always. State only what you need to in order to explain to the client why this request will cost more than your standard work. Don't bog them down in details (ie, only say "I will be adding $50 for travel expenses" and not "Gas will cost $20 but there's also the fact that I should really get my spare tire replaced before I make a long drive..."). Also, get it out of the way early on in the conversation, don't spring it on them after they've already made a non-refundable deposit or otherwise committed to the deal. Unless they change the details on you, you're not allowed to change the cost on them.
Do you have an awkward situation you'd like help with? Send it to me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
How to invite vendors to your event
Hello Polite Readers!
Well, if this keeps up I might be able to go back to weekly updates! This week's request comes courtesy of one of my Etsy friends who received a vague and possibly misleading event invitation. She handled it herself because she's a pro, but she also thought it would make a great topic for this blog. So first we'll briefly cover how to respond to unsolicited invites and then we'll talk about how to write an invitation that vendors will want to accept!
First of all, I feel a bit iffy about using Etsy to invite vendors to shows. I generally distrust such invites and think they're probably against Etsy's TOS. On the other hand it seems to be becoming a normal way to do things and some vendors do seem to appreciate being contacted directly by a show that they might not otherwise do well at. I have two methods of dealing with unwanted invites. If the show holds absolutely no interest for me, I ignore the message. If it's a show that I don't want to vend at but may want to attend, or if the invite comes from someone I might otherwise want to work with in the future, I send a polite "Thank you for the invite but I'm not interested at this time."
Now, event promoters, what can you do to make your invitation appealing?
1. Personalize the message. I don't want to think that you've sent the same message to every single Etsy seller in Tucson. I want to be greeted personally and I want to know why you're inviting me to vend at your event.
2. Provide pertinent details. I don't need to know everything about your event, but there are a few things I do want to know before I make a decision:
Where?
When?
What?
How do I get more information?
3. Be honest about the size and scope of your event. You may have big plans, but if it's your first year you're probably going to have to start small. Even if you're an established event, you might still be low-key. Please don't try to convince me that your local convention has almost as big of a draw as San Diego Comic Con.
4. Sell me on the event. Don't just say "It's going to be awesome!" Give me something specific to be excited about. For instance "This year our guest of honor is Matt Smith" or "Our art festival is a juried event that only allows handmade items."
5. Be professional. Use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. You can have a friendly tone and inject some personality into it, but you're still trying to do business with me so act like a pro.
6. Be realistic. I am not going to travel halfway across the country for a first-year convention. I am not going to spend $500 for a table at an art fair I've never heard of. If, for instance, you're inviting vendors to a small faerie festival, try to only invite people from your state and neighboring states. Don't send an invite to every single person who paints faeries, even if your event is in Canada and they live in Australia.
If I receive an invitation that fails to meet most of these criteria, I am not going to respond positively and I'm not going to think of recommending it to my fellow vendors or attending it for fun.
Have something you'd like to add? Share your thoughts in the comments section! Have a sticky situation of your own you'd like help with? Send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column.
Well, if this keeps up I might be able to go back to weekly updates! This week's request comes courtesy of one of my Etsy friends who received a vague and possibly misleading event invitation. She handled it herself because she's a pro, but she also thought it would make a great topic for this blog. So first we'll briefly cover how to respond to unsolicited invites and then we'll talk about how to write an invitation that vendors will want to accept!
First of all, I feel a bit iffy about using Etsy to invite vendors to shows. I generally distrust such invites and think they're probably against Etsy's TOS. On the other hand it seems to be becoming a normal way to do things and some vendors do seem to appreciate being contacted directly by a show that they might not otherwise do well at. I have two methods of dealing with unwanted invites. If the show holds absolutely no interest for me, I ignore the message. If it's a show that I don't want to vend at but may want to attend, or if the invite comes from someone I might otherwise want to work with in the future, I send a polite "Thank you for the invite but I'm not interested at this time."
Now, event promoters, what can you do to make your invitation appealing?
1. Personalize the message. I don't want to think that you've sent the same message to every single Etsy seller in Tucson. I want to be greeted personally and I want to know why you're inviting me to vend at your event.
2. Provide pertinent details. I don't need to know everything about your event, but there are a few things I do want to know before I make a decision:
Where?
When?
What?
How do I get more information?
3. Be honest about the size and scope of your event. You may have big plans, but if it's your first year you're probably going to have to start small. Even if you're an established event, you might still be low-key. Please don't try to convince me that your local convention has almost as big of a draw as San Diego Comic Con.
4. Sell me on the event. Don't just say "It's going to be awesome!" Give me something specific to be excited about. For instance "This year our guest of honor is Matt Smith" or "Our art festival is a juried event that only allows handmade items."
5. Be professional. Use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. You can have a friendly tone and inject some personality into it, but you're still trying to do business with me so act like a pro.
6. Be realistic. I am not going to travel halfway across the country for a first-year convention. I am not going to spend $500 for a table at an art fair I've never heard of. If, for instance, you're inviting vendors to a small faerie festival, try to only invite people from your state and neighboring states. Don't send an invite to every single person who paints faeries, even if your event is in Canada and they live in Australia.
If I receive an invitation that fails to meet most of these criteria, I am not going to respond positively and I'm not going to think of recommending it to my fellow vendors or attending it for fun.
Have something you'd like to add? Share your thoughts in the comments section! Have a sticky situation of your own you'd like help with? Send it to Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in a future column.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Consider the Source
Hello Polite Readers!
We're going to talk about gift-receiving etiquette again. This week's topic comes courtesy of my husband, who was curious about my opinion on this and thought it would be good blog fodder. Thanks love! So the question is: What do you do when someone gives you a gift that you know comes from a shop you don't like? There's no one blanket answer for this, so let me break it down into a few examples of possible situations.
1. The item is offered to you casually, rather than as a hand-picked gift for your birthday or a holiday, ie, "I got a great deal on these at the store, would you like one?" In this case, you can gracefully say "Oh, no thank you" without getting into why.
2. The item was chosen specifically for you and is given at a group gathering, but comes from a store you have a mild objection to. Say "Thank you" and try not to think about the source. Perhaps make some use of it in order to make the gift-giver happy, then quietly donate it to the thrift shop a few months down the road.
3. As above, but the gift comes from someplace you have a strong objection to, like the gift store that donates all proceeds to Puppy Kickers International. As above, say thank you, but at some later date take the gift-giver aside and say "I know you picked that scarf because it brings out the green in my eyes, but were you aware that Kicks Ahoy is associated with PKI? You know that as a dog lover I just can't stand those guys. I hope you don't shop there anymore!" Again, donate the offending object and if you're feeling really bad, donate some money to a group that fights puppy kicking.
Remember that no matter what, it's the thought that counts. So if the person KNOWS that you hate PKI and they bought an "I Kick Puppies" t-shirt for you anyway, you don't even have to pretend. Fall back on the "Oh, you shouldn't have" and then throw that thing away as soon as you get home. Just don't make a scene at the party, because that's awkward for everyone else around you.
I think the best way to avoid this sort of situation is to be pretty clear about your opinions. If, for instance, you feel strongly about supporting the local economy and you love to patronize small coffee shops instead of large national chains, make that obvious. Occasionally check-in at your favorite local businesses. Talk about the delicious meal you had at that new restaurant. When you get complimented on your dress, mention that you purchased it at that cute downtown boutique. Share your political convictions, the causes that you care about, and your religious affiliations or lack thereof (all of this at whatever level you're most comfortable with). Of course you'll avoid being annoying or self-righteous about any of this, because you're so polite!
Once people have a pretty good read on you, it will be less likely that they'll give you a gift that you find morally objectionable. As a non-moralistic example, I love the color green. I make it clear by wearing lots of green, having a Pinterest board dedicated to green, using a green color scheme on my blogs, etc etc etc. As such, whenever people want to buy me a gift, they tend to buy something that is green if possible. There are even people who have certain shades that they now associate as "AJ Green" which makes me ridiculously pleased.
Dear readers, have you navigated this problem before? If so, how have you handled it?
I am waiting for YOUR letters. Write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in my next column.
We're going to talk about gift-receiving etiquette again. This week's topic comes courtesy of my husband, who was curious about my opinion on this and thought it would be good blog fodder. Thanks love! So the question is: What do you do when someone gives you a gift that you know comes from a shop you don't like? There's no one blanket answer for this, so let me break it down into a few examples of possible situations.
1. The item is offered to you casually, rather than as a hand-picked gift for your birthday or a holiday, ie, "I got a great deal on these at the store, would you like one?" In this case, you can gracefully say "Oh, no thank you" without getting into why.
2. The item was chosen specifically for you and is given at a group gathering, but comes from a store you have a mild objection to. Say "Thank you" and try not to think about the source. Perhaps make some use of it in order to make the gift-giver happy, then quietly donate it to the thrift shop a few months down the road.
3. As above, but the gift comes from someplace you have a strong objection to, like the gift store that donates all proceeds to Puppy Kickers International. As above, say thank you, but at some later date take the gift-giver aside and say "I know you picked that scarf because it brings out the green in my eyes, but were you aware that Kicks Ahoy is associated with PKI? You know that as a dog lover I just can't stand those guys. I hope you don't shop there anymore!" Again, donate the offending object and if you're feeling really bad, donate some money to a group that fights puppy kicking.
Remember that no matter what, it's the thought that counts. So if the person KNOWS that you hate PKI and they bought an "I Kick Puppies" t-shirt for you anyway, you don't even have to pretend. Fall back on the "Oh, you shouldn't have" and then throw that thing away as soon as you get home. Just don't make a scene at the party, because that's awkward for everyone else around you.
I think the best way to avoid this sort of situation is to be pretty clear about your opinions. If, for instance, you feel strongly about supporting the local economy and you love to patronize small coffee shops instead of large national chains, make that obvious. Occasionally check-in at your favorite local businesses. Talk about the delicious meal you had at that new restaurant. When you get complimented on your dress, mention that you purchased it at that cute downtown boutique. Share your political convictions, the causes that you care about, and your religious affiliations or lack thereof (all of this at whatever level you're most comfortable with). Of course you'll avoid being annoying or self-righteous about any of this, because you're so polite!
Once people have a pretty good read on you, it will be less likely that they'll give you a gift that you find morally objectionable. As a non-moralistic example, I love the color green. I make it clear by wearing lots of green, having a Pinterest board dedicated to green, using a green color scheme on my blogs, etc etc etc. As such, whenever people want to buy me a gift, they tend to buy something that is green if possible. There are even people who have certain shades that they now associate as "AJ Green" which makes me ridiculously pleased.
Dear readers, have you navigated this problem before? If so, how have you handled it?
I am waiting for YOUR letters. Write me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and you could be featured in my next column.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)