Caught in the Middle

Hello Polite Readers!

We've all been there -- two (or more) friends, family members, co-workers or other acquaintances are having a fight and they both want you to take their side. Each gleefully recounts what happened, skewed to make it look like they are the wronged party. They might ask your opinion, they might ask you to serve as a go-between in delivering snide messages, or they might even go so far as to ask you to cut off your relationship with the other. It's one of the most uncomfortable positions to be in.

In my youth, I heard a response to this that has stuck with me for my entire life and served me well: "If I'm not part of the problem, and I'm not part of the solution, I don't want to be involved." Treat this as your mantra whenever someone tries to drag you into their fight. Do they genuinely want you to help mediate a dispute? Great, you're willing to help because you want everyone to get along. But if they want you to just join their anti-the-other-guy posse, you don't want any part of that.

I know it's hard sometimes. Maybe you do feel genuinely closer to one party than the other (for instance, it's your Mom vs a distant cousin), or maybe you so desperately want to give in to the human nature to indulge in a little gossip. There have been times when I've wanted to know all the dirty details about a conflict, but I refrained. The problem is that when you get either or even both sides of the story, it tends to color your perception of each person and damages the friendship -- beyond the initial damage done by them trying to drag you into it.

There are a few polite variations you can use that are a little softer than the mantra:

"I'm sorry, I love you both and I just don't want to get involved."

"If there's anything I can do to help mend fences I'd be happy to, but I don't want to hear all the dirty details."

"It sounds like a really complicated situation. I hope you guys can work it out."

As usual, I advise quickly changing the subject before they can say "But just this one thing..." and tell you what horrible thing so-and-so said to them. If necessary, you may even need to walk away if you can. Let me tell you, there are few things worse than being stuck in a car with someone who wants to get something off of their chest. You may need to turn the radio up really loudly (just kidding, that's kind of rude).

Staying out of it will serve you well in the long-run. Ideally, the warring parties will eventually make up, and you won't be left with any awkwardness about things that you said to them during the fight that was never yours in the first place. If they do never reconcile, you can make your own decision as to whether to maintain the two different relationships, or if not, which one to keep, based solely on your own experience with them and not with having been forced to choose by an ultimatum.

Do you need a graceful way to handle an awkward social situation? E-mail me at Politelyworded@gmail.com and I may publish your letter on this blog.

Friends and Money

Hello Polite Readers!

Whew. This week is a doozy! A friend asked me for advice on how to handle it when friends owe you money. Now, growing up I was always told "Don't mix friendship and money" but the truth is, that's really hard advice to follow. If you're selling a car and your friend wants to buy it, are you really going to turn them down because you'd rather sell it to a stranger? Of course you're not.

So. For whatever reason, a friend owes you money. First, decide if you really need the money back. If, for instance, you were out for lunch and your friend only had AmEx and the restaurant only takes Visa, and you say "Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it" and your friend swears they'll pay you back after payday but then they forget, that's a pretty easy debt to dismiss. But if, as mentioned above, your friend is buying a car from you and is behind on the payments, that's pretty hard to let slide.

Start up gentle and amp the pressure up. The next time you see them in an appropriate situation, casually mention the money and give them the chance to pay you. Maybe they were already planning to. If that doesn't work, you'll probably have to call or e-mail them and say something like this:

Hey friend! Just wanted to remind you that you're three months behind on the car payment. According to my records, you still owe me $2000. I know things are tight so I'm willing to work with you on this. We can change the monthly payment or when it's due if you need. Let's talk about it.

Adjust as needed to fit your particular situation. But do try to be flexible if you can. Of course, things may be just as tight for you, so you may need to be a little more firm:

Hey friend! Just a reminder that you still owe me $500 for your share of Jill's bachelorette party. That's $200 for the hotel, $100 for dinner, $100 for the limo, and $100 for the sexy fireman. Let me know if your math is different. Either way, we had agreed you'd pay on the 10th and it's now the 18th. Please get the funds to me ASAP! Thanks!

One important note: Keep the money dispute between you and the friend in question. Please do not drag it out at group gatherings. I once witnessed a very messy friendship-breakup over money where they kept bringing it up at social gatherings until they had to be asked not to. That's an awkward situation for everyone involved.

That's it for this week! Remember that you can E-Mail Me if you'd like your own Politely Worded way of handling your problems.